Reaching Upward

The Lord’s Way

2011-11-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

Intro: This comes from a talk by Elder Uchtdorf called Providing in the Lord's Way from the Priesthood Session of the October 2011 General Conference. As I was rereading it, I was surprised at how much of the talk could be applied to my own situation. While I don't want to put words into Elder Uchtdorf's mouth, I believe in the invitation to liken the scriptures unto ourselves. Here is my edited version with omissions marked by . . .; and changes indicated by [brackets] .

There are many good people and organizations in the world that are trying to meet the pressing needs of [SSA Members]. We are grateful for this, but the Lord’s way of caring . . . is different from the world’s way. The Lord has said, “It must needs be done in mine own way.” He is not only interested in our immediate needs; He is also concerned about our eternal progression
Too often we notice [our own] needs . . ., hoping that someone from far away will magically appear to meet those needs. Perhaps we wait for experts with specialized knowledge to solve specific problems.

The Lord’s way is not to sit at the side of the stream and wait for the water to pass before we cross. It is to come together, roll up our sleeves, go to work, and build a bridge or a boat to cross the waters of our challenges. You men of Zion, you priesthood holders, are the ones who can lead out and bring relief to the Saints by applying the inspired principles of the [Gospel]! It is your mission to open your eyes, use your priesthood, and go to work in the Lord’s way.

The place to begin is to familiarize ourselves with what the Lord has already revealed. We should not assume that we know. We need to approach the subject with the humility of a child. Every generation must learn anew the doctrines that undergird the Lord’s way. . . Brethren, study the revealed principles and doctrines first. Read the handbooks; take advantage of the Internet website providentliving.org;

Once you have studied the doctrines and principles . . ., seek to apply what you have learned to the needs of those within your stewardship. What this means is that, in large measure, you’re going to have to figure it out for yourself. [Every individual, e]very family, every congregation, every area of the world is different. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. . . It is a self-help program where individuals are responsible for personal self-reliance. Our resources include personal prayer, our own God-given talents and abilities, the assets available to us through our own families and extended family members, various community resources, and of course the caring support of priesthood quorums and the Relief Society. This will lead us through the inspired pattern of self-reliance.

You’re going to have to chart a course that is consistent with the Lord’s doctrine and matches the circumstances of your [personal life]. To implement divine [gospel] principles, you need not look always to Salt Lake City. Instead you need to look into the handbooks, into your heart, and into heaven. Trust the Lord’s inspiration and follow His way.

In the end you must do in your area what disciples of Christ have done in every dispensation: counsel together, use all resources available, seek the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, ask the Lord for His confirmation, and then roll up your sleeves and go to work.

I give you a promise: if you will follow this pattern, you will receive specific guidance as to the who, what, when, and where of [living the gospel]. The temporal is intertwined with the spiritual. God has given us this mortal experience and the temporal challenges that attend it as a laboratory where we can grow into the beings Heavenly Father wants us to become.

Always Love You

2011-11-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that I believe God speaks to me. I've experienced messages conveyed through many means. Dreams, conference talks, personal meetings with my Bishop, insight from me therapist, both gospel and secular scholarly talks and books, and even movies like Gladiator. But one of the most common and powerful ways God speaks to me is through music. Sometimes it's a melody or harmony that touches me. Often it's a word or phrase in the lyrics. Once in a while, I know that an entire song is speaking directly to me.

So, five years ago my wife introduced me to Ryanhood. They are a fun musical duo from Tuscon. We've been following them ever since. They released a new album today. We got an advanced copy a couple of weeks ago and since then I've been dying to share this song.

Ashley and I were lying in bed listening to the new album which we had just downloaded. We'd heard most of the songs at concerts, though it was nice to hear them polished for recording. There were a couple of fun new songs that were very much Ryanhood's style. Then we got to this song. I think both of us were expecting a cute, possibly sappy, little love song. It didn't take long before we both just stopped and looked at each other and started tearing up. At least I did. I was stunned.

Always Love You can be taken as a song about a man who is deeply in love regardless of whether or not he's loved in return. But I heard my Savior's voice. I heard my Heavenly Father talking about His love for me. I don't know if this song will be meaningful for anyone else, but that possibility is part of the reason I am posting it. The other reason is that I just need to testify of God's love for me. I know He cares deeply about me. He has a plan for me and wants me to be happy. I'm grateful for that knowledge.

You can listen or download at http://ryanhood.bandcamp.com/track/always-love-you?permalink

Addendum

2011-10-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

I need to amend my previous review of Voices of Hope. I still stand by what I said about the Introduction and the Plenary Chapters. They teach gospel truths plainly and clearly. I love that. I know I need those plain and precious truths more and more as I live in a society that is loosing its way at an alarming rate. As President Monson said:

"Where once the standards of the Church and the standards of society were mostly compatible, now there is a wide chasm between us, and it’s growing ever wider. …

“The Savior of mankind described Himself as being in the world but not of the world. We also can be in the world but not of the world as we reject false concepts and false teachings and remain true to that which God has commanded.”

That being said, I think that the personal essays are even more powerful. I think part of my reluctance to read and discuss the personal essays is that one of them is mine. I'm not self-promoting. I also know many of the authors personally. I felt that I already knew their stories. However, I was humbled by reading their stories. I gained a new admiration and respect for the difficulty they've faced and the faith and strength they've exhibited in response. I also got to read the stories of men and women I don't know. Their stories of pain, courage, and the redeeming power of Jesus Christ stirred my heart and gave me hope.

I don't think I can fully convey how powerful and inspiring these personal stories have been in my life. They show me that my way of facing this issue is only one of many approaches. I feel uplifted and supported as I read the words of others who share similar experiences. There were so many moments where what I was reading could have been written by me. At the same time I was edified to read of the uniqueness of each author. All of our stories are different. What we share is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and a commitment to follow Him.

I want to express deep gratitude to those individuals who took the risk to share something so personal and sacred with the world. I'm sure there are many who will discount, deny, and disparage our offering. But I know that I'm not standing alone.

Voices of Hope by Ty Mansfield

2011-10-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

So, this guy is my hero. :) I have lots of heroes. But Ty is definitely one of them. I absolutely love his courage in moving out of the victim role. He takes action for making a positive change in the world around him. I'm grateful to have the privilege of participating in his efforts.

Last week, I got my copies of Voices of Hope. I will say that I haven't read all of the personal essays yet. I have read the plenary chapters, and I am in love. I love the frank compassionate voice that comes through in all of the writing. I love the courage with which the authors teach the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I wish everyone I know would read this book. Individuals who experience SSA, my family, friends, priesthood leaders, everyone can benefit from the principles discussed and the love shared in this book.

I can say that for myself, a single reading is not going to be sufficient. There is so much truth and valuable insight packaged in there, that I will study and re-read. I recently read a scripture that struck me. In 2 Nephi 27:20 the Lord says "I am able to do mine own work; wherefore thou shalt read the words which I shall give unto thee."

I can truly say that the Lord has given me these words. I believe He would like to give them to you as well.

Francis Webster's Bigger Story

2011-09-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

Last night on my hour long commute home from class in Pocatello, I listened to Wendy Ulrich's presentation at the 2007 FAIR Conference. You can listen to it here, or read it here. I highly recommend anything written by this amazing woman. I relate very much relate to many of her ideas and thoughts. She has helped me clarify many things regarding my belief and faith.

She recounted the words of Francis Webster, a pioneer in the Martin Handcart Company. As I heard her quote his words, I heard my own testimony of the experiences I've had in the Church in regards to my homosexuality. I hear so many people complain about the lack of understanding in the Church. I hear and read criticism of Church leaders. I hear about all the failures and all the things that "should" be better. I've modified his word to match my experience. The original text, as well as a good treatise on the quote and Francis Webster's life can be found here.

“I ask you to stop this criticism. You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. Cold historic facts mean nothing here for they give no proper interpretation of the questions involved. Mistakes in handling homosexuality? Yes. Mistakes in Church policy and Church discipline? Probably. Mistake to support prop 8? Maybe. But I was affected by those choices and my wife was also. We sufered beyond anything you can imagine and many died not only spiritually but literally as well. Many lost families, friends, faith. Some lost hope. But I will never complain about that. I will never leave my faith, because I came through my experiences with the absolute knowledge that God lives for I became acquainted with him my our extremities.

I have risen from bed when I was so weak and weary from depression and hopelessness, that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead to tomorrow and I have said I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot endure this suffering. I have gone on to that day and when I reached it I found just enough strength to try for the next. I have looked many times to see who was keeping me alive and I saw and felt many people. I knew then that the Angels of God were there, both mortal and immortal.

Am I sorry that I chose to experience homosexual attractions within the context of the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ? No. The price I have paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful that I was privileged to experience homosexuality and the LDS Church in the time and culture where I did.”

Now, Wendy Ulrich points out that not all of the survivors of the Martin and Willie Handcart Companies developed this perspective. Many may have only come to view this bigger story years later. Others never did. In her words:

Francis Webster did more that day than quiet a heated Sunday school class. He opened up a story. A story big enough to hold both leaders who make mistakes, and a God who can turn all things to our good. In fact he opened up story for all of us. A story that includes the possibility that we too may come to know God in our extremities. They find the hand of angels in our most difficult hours. They come to see the price we pay for mortality as a privilege, for it can open our blind eyes to see the face of God.

For instance, Webster’s story is one of many stories however, among the handcart pioneers. Some of those pioneers may not have felt the hand of angels or come to know God in a tangible way. Some of them may have simply finished the track, moved on with their lives. Some may have simply given up, some may have never made much sense out of what happened, and others may never have really questioned at all.

But for Francis Webster the bigger story was one of unseen angels, and acquaintance with God. For others the biggest story may be one of personal stamina, and extraordinary luck, for others the bigger story may be one of the power of friendship and human compassion. It may have taken 40 years for some to learn to see the hand of God in some redemptive way in that experience, or that clear vision may not come until the dawning of a much brighter day. But the stories we create of our experience, stories shaped by our past but invested with our creativity and hope. These are what in turn shape our future.

I hope all of us can seek for a bigger story in our own lives.

A Bigger Story

2011-08-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

Dear J----,

My name is Kevin. I'm a Mormon. I've read your posts quite regularly for a while now. I disagree with some of the opinions you've expressed. I'm comfortable with that disagreement, because I accept the fact that you and I have had very different life experiences. Due to that acceptance, I haven't felt any outrage or emotional reaction to your writings. Until now. I was very disappointed in recent article about Rich Wyler. As a man who has attended Wyler's Journey into Manhood weekend and served on staff twice, I found your remarks hurtful, belittling, and intolerant.

You usually write with an admirable professionalism, a sense of being fair and reasonable. I'm curious as to why you lost that perspective in this situation. It seems that you have a real hang-up with homosexuality and the doctrine of the LDS Church. I can relate to a feeling of dissonance regarding the issue. I have personal experience with feelings of sexual attraction to other men. At one point I identified myself as Gay. During that time, I had many negative feelings about the Church. I felt betrayed by the very God I had trusted so innocently. I wasn't able to reconcile my understanding of God with my personal experience. That time was the most painful, agonizing period in my life. I was suicidal.

In a moment of tender mercy, at the peak of my rebellion against God, I was given the opportunity to meet other men who had experienced many of the same feelings I had. They understood where I was coming from and accepted me as I was, sans facade, doubts and all. I was introduced to the writings of Wyler and Matheson which resonated strongly with me. For the first time in years, I felt a connection to my God. I began to learn about a story that was bigger than the one I had been telling myself. I was brought to look honestly and humbly at the lies which I had come to believe. Some were lies handed to me by well-intentioned, but misguided members of the church. Others were spoon fed to me by a blinded society groping in darkness. The most painful were lies I had created myself to dull the pain of a wounded conscience. But paradoxically, the journey inward led to a new understanding of what was outside of me. I saw a world that was big enough to encompass me and my often conflicting experience. I met a God who was big enough to perfectly love and nurture an imperfect me. I met a self who was no longer a victim, but an agent capable of mighty change. I met a Savior, who was powerful enough to provide just such a change.

But that is just me. My story is also big enough for people who don't have an experience like mine. My world is big enough to encompass people who resolve their inner conflicts differently. My God is big enough to love and save all of his children. My self is willing to accept others as they are and trust my Savior to heal others as He sees fit, and not necessarily just like he healed me.

Is your story big enough to include me?

General Conference Prep

2011-04-01T18:22:00.001-07:00

This post is for anyone who has ever had a negative experience with General Conference-probably mostly for myself.

I generally struggle with Conference primarily because I "trifle with the words" that are spoken. I'm often listening just with my ears. Part of me is concerned with what someone I know might be thinking of a particular talk. Sometimes I'm thinking of who I think needs to hear this talk. Honestly, part of me is usually looking for any fault, anything I can construe as shame based or out of harmony with my own experiences. Sometimes I'm wondering what I would have felt if I had heard this talk three years ago when I was struggling with my testimony. All in all, I haven't really been listening properly. I haven't been listening with my heart. I haven't been listening to the Spirit.

It has been helpful for me in the past to read through part of a talk given by Elder Oaks at a CES fireside in May, 2005.

Last week I was talking with a member of the Quorum of the Twelve about comments we had received on our
April conference talks. My friend said someone told him, “I surely enjoyed your talk.” We agreed that this
isnot the kind of comment we like to receive. As my friend said, “I didn’t give that talk to be enjoyed. What
does he think I am, some kind of entertainer?” Another member of our quorum joined the conversation by
saying, “That reminds me of the story of a good minister. When a parishioner said, ‘I surely enjoyed
your sermon today,’ the minister replied, ‘In that case, you didn’t understand it.’”

You may remember that this April conference I spoke on pornography. No one told me they “enjoyed” that
talk—not one! In fact, there was nothing enjoyable in it even for me.

I speak of these recent conversations to teach the principle that a message given by a General Authority
at a general conference—a message prepared under the influence of the Spirit to further the work of the
Lord—is not given to be enjoyed. It is given to inspire, to edify, to challenge, or to correct. It is given to be
heard under the influence of the Spirit of the Lord, with the intended result that the listener learns from
the talk and from the Spirit what he or she should do about it.

King Benjamin understood that principle and explained it. His great sermon that is recorded in the first few
chapters of the book of Mosiah begins with these words:

“My brethren, all ye that have assembled yourselves together, you that can hear my words which I shall
speak unto you this day; . . . I have not commanded you to come up hither to trifle with the words which I
shall speak, but that you should hearken unto me, and open your ears that ye may hear, and your hearts that
ye may understand” (Mosiah 2:9).

As this prophet-king taught, when we come to hear a servant of the Lord, we are not “to trifle with the words”
that he speaks. It is our duty to open our ears to hear and our hearts to understand. And what we should seek
to understand is what we should do about the message.

I feel sure that is what King Benjamin meant, because he said later in his great message, “And now, if you believe
all these things see that ye do them” (Mosiah 4:10).

. . . . . .

Now, brothers and sisters, if you are troubled about something we have just said, please listen very carefully to what I will say
now. Perhaps you are a young man feeling pressured by what I have said about the need to start a pattern of
dating that can lead to marriage, or a young woman troubled by what we have said about needing to get on
with your life.

If you feel you are a special case, so that the strong counsel I have given doesn’t apply to you, please don’t
write me a letter. Why would I make this request? I have learned that the kind of direct counsel I have
given results in a large number of letters from members who feel they are an exception, and they want me to
confirm that the things I have said just don’t apply to them in their special circumstance.

I will explain why I can’t offer much comfort in response to that kind of letter by telling you an experience I had
with another person who was troubled by a general rule.

I gave a talk in which I mentioned the commandment “Thou shalt not kill” (Exodus 20:13). Afterward a man
came up to me in tears saying that what I had said showed there was no hope for him. “What do you
mean?” I asked him. He explained that he had been a machine gunner during
the Korean War. During a frontal assault his machine gun mowed down scores of enemy infantry. Their bodies
were piled so high in front of his gun that he and his men had to push them away in order to maintain their
field of fire. He had killed a hundred, he said, and now he must be going to hell because I had spoken of the
Lord’s commandment “Thou shalt not kill.”

The explanation I gave that man is the same explanation I give to you if you feel you are an exception to what I
have said. As a General Authority, it is my responsibility to preach general principles. When I do, I don’t try to
define all the exceptions. There are exceptions to some rules. For example, we believe the commandment is not
violated by killing pursuant to a lawful order in an armed conflict. But don’t ask me to give an opinion on your
exception. I only teach the general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must
work that out individually between you and the Lord.

The Prophet Joseph Smith taught this same thing in another way. When he was asked how he governed
such a diverse group of Saints, he said, “I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves” (in
John Taylor, “The Organization of the Church,” Millennial Star, Nov. 15, 1851, 339). In what I have
just said, I am simply teaching correct principles and inviting each one of you to act upon these principles
by governing yourself.

Brothers and sisters, it has been a thrill to be with you. I pray that the things that have been said this evening
will be carried into your hearts and understood by the power of the Holy Ghost with the same intent that they
have been uttered, which is to bless your lives, to give comfort to the afflicted, and to afflict the comfortable.

I know that as I go into this weekend, I need to focus on what the Lord is trying to teach me through the Holy Ghost. I need to focus on what I need to do differently as a result of the things that I will learn through the conference. I need to worry less about what someone else might think about a talk or how I might take offense at what is said. I hope to be able to hear what I need to to progress and improve. Perhaps someone else might benefit from some of the things that I have been thinking.

Rambling about Kinsey

2011-01-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

Kinsey's scale is definitely a big step up from the simple gay-straight-bi classification. I know one of my biggest challenges is falling into all or nothing thinking and failing to recognize the subtleties of human experience (my own as well as others').

Still I think that the Kinsey scale is limited in its usefulness. It creates an artificial continuum of heterosexual to homosexual. I do like the way you've written out the descriptions as they focus more on overt behaviors than on subjective judgments.

One of the reasons I dislike Kinsey's scale is because it assumes that heterosexuality and homosexuality are opposite poles of a single spectrum. My personal experience and judging from the vast majority of men that I have interacted with, is that sexuality is much more like an infinite Stereo equalizer. In an equalizer, each slider controls the volume of a set range of frequencies. Those sliders can be moved independently and only work in relation to the overall volume control. Most equalizers use fairly large ranges and have relatively few sliders. However, it is possible to use much more restricted ranges and have many more sliders. It is also possible to give the sliders a greater ability to increase or decrease the volume of certain ranges.

I believe sexual, (and romantic, physical, and emotional) attractions are largely learned desires. The process of learning those attractions is largely influenced by the genetic and physical composition of the brain, spiritual attributes brought from premortality, and the environment/experiences of the individual. Those attractions can be influenced by very broad ranges or very narrow and specific ranges(i.e. I'm attracted to everything that's human; I'm only attracted to men; My attraction to men is very high, but there is a subtle attraction to women; I'm only attracted to women; I'm only attracted to blonds; I'm attracted to lots of men, but as far as women go I'm only attracted to my wife and Holly Marie Combs.) There are an infinite number of specific attractions that can be learned. For example, I would argue that Polynesian men are not born with a gene that makes them attracted to large women rather than skinny women. Rather this attraction is more the product of their culture. Also consider the learned boundary-for most people-of not being sexually attracted to one's siblings. Despite arguments to the contrary, there really isn't sufficient evidence to suppose that there is an anti-family gene. That's much more of a cultural (a.k.a. learned) boundary.

2010-12-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

I originally wrote this letter with the intent of sending it out to my family members. I felt a strong desire to work within my sphere of influence to increase understanding about the issue. It is my hope that members of the Church will eventually be informed enough to know how to respond constructively to individuals who experience feelings of same-gender attraction. I also believe that this change is not going to happen in a "top-down" fashion. Rather as those of us with personal experience open up and share with those we know personally, compassion and understanding will blossom.

As I re-read this letter, I realized that I really didn't give any clear suggestions as to what they could do to help someone with SSA. It didn't serve the purpose for which I had written it. Nevertheless, I think there are some really good things in here. The thought came to post this on the blog, so here it is:

A segment about same-gender attraction and Mormons, aired on ABC's Nightline last night. Another piece was done on Fox 13 in Utah.

As, I watched both and reflected on them, I've had a number of feelings come to me. I've felt a need to write some of my feelings down and share them with my family. I know the email is long, so I won't be offended if anyone doesn't read the whole thing.

The first is a gratitude for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, taught in its fullness through the Restored Church. I've lived through some very difficult circumstances. These trials and challenges have had an enormous impact on who I am today. I don't know that my life has been uniquely challenging. I can only speak about my own experiences and how I perceived them. I know that the the mortal afflictions I've experienced, have had the power to bring me closer to Christ. Through them I've learned what it means to rely wholly on the merits of Him who is mighty to save. I've been taught how to be humble; I've grown in charity, towards myself and my fellow men.

I feel a need to bear testimony that Heavenly Father does love each of us as his children. He is anxiously waiting for us to turn to Him, to open our hearts to His power and his love. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ has the power to save us from ourselves. It allows us to grow and become more like our Father. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true and living church--that the men called as leaders are called by God.

Over the last three years, I have worked through issues relating to my feelings of same-gender attraction. It has been quite a journey! I am grateful that Heavenly Father has guided that journey (as much as I've allowed Him to). A critical part of my healing has been counseling with an inspired, well-trained therapist. Journey into Manhood, the weekend that is featured in the Nightline segment, also had a profound impact on me. These are some of the means God used to heal me. I know that if I had trusted in either of these resources as my sole support, they would have failed. But with a foundation of Faith in Christ, a testimony of the plan of salvation, and an open heart and a willing mind, I was able to grow, overcome the obstacles of mortality, and become more like Heavenly Father.

Like Lehi, one of my greatest desires since tasting of the peace and joy that are available through the Atonement of Jesus Christ has been to help others find that fruit. It is natural for me to wish, like Alma, that I would accomplish that through great and miraculous means--like the voice of an angel. But I'm learning that the Lord really does work by small and simple things. Like me bearing testimony to my family members and friends who at some point may in turn be in a position to help someone else.

There is so much debate in the world about same-gender attraction. Far too often the issue becomes polarized, which leaves many conflicted, confused, and lost. I am grateful for living prophets who have testified of the truth of the plan of salvation and make very clear what is right and wrong. I am grateful that they speak of foundational principles: faith, repentance, prayer, scripture reading, fasting. These principles apply to everyone and are essential to growth and progress. . I am also grateful for Apostles who teach that through these means, we are able to receive guidance through the Holy Ghost that will be individualized and tailored to our circumstances. Sometimes that guidance will come through a variety of different means, such as good books, inspired priesthood leaders, trained professionals. Which tools we use and how we apply the things we hear or read is done as directed by the Spirit.

But sometimes, members of the Church (especially those with challenges like same-gender attraction) can become convinced that these foundational steps are the entire process. Many may be like I was, and strive diligently to do everything they are taught. But if those things are done without a broken heart, without humility and a true willingness to learn, even true principles like fasting and prayer will not provide resolution to our challenges. This can be the cause of a great dilemma. Individuals may feel that they have tried to live the gospel, to do all the things they should do, and still are not happy. Most are sincere in their desperation. The conflict between what they believe to be true and what they are experiencing is very intense. Unfortunately, many find relief from that conflict by abandoning their beliefs and surrendering to the natural man. Though they cannot ever find happiness in sin, they can experience a reduction of the conflict, which reinforces their choice.

I believe that it is part of our covenant to bear one anothers burdens to help those who may struggle with same-gender attraction. The issue carries a very negative stigma with it. This feeling of shame can discourage those who need help and support from reaching out. We as a church are making great progress in combating this problem of ignorance and judgment. The General Authorities are making an effort to increase awareness and compassion. There is another area where we as members of the church can also make progress. We can be more informed about the issue and about the resources available to those who are struggling. I've come to understand that this is not the duty of the Brethren. Part of that obligation rests on me and others who have personal experience to share our experience and offer our testimonies and our support.

That's why I've typed this incredibly long email. It is my hope that you would feel of my testimony. Maybe what I have shared today won't mean anything to the majority of those who read it. But perhaps one of you knows someone who is affected by same-gender attraction who wants desperately to do what is right and be happy, but may not know how to do that. I'm very open to questions or comments. I am very willing to share more about my experiences if asked.

Thanks to the rest who still read this.

With Love,

KL

The link to the Nightline episode is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2oHXsstW8c

Fox 13's piece can be found at: http://www.fox13now.com/news/local/kstu-gays-mormons-and-change-part-one,0,3499131.story

These two articles are what the Church has recently issued about the issue of same-gender attraction:

http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction

http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/official-statement/same-gender-attraction

Other resources for Same-Gender Attraction include

www.peoplecanchange,com (the official site of the Journey into Manhood program)

www.EvergreenInternational.org

and www.NorthStarLDS.org -- both organizations for LDS members with same-gender attraction who want to live in harmony with the Gospel of Jesus Christ

Semester Forecast

2010-08-26T06:39:00.000-07:00

Well, the preliminary reports are in. It looks like this is going to be an awesome semester. Sure, I'm taking two introductory science courses. Those are going to be kinda sucky. I've really liked upper level psych classes, so a freshman general isn't my idea of fun. But, at least they won't be very hard. My two psych classes are going to be fun.

I'm also way excited to take an institute class this semester. I love the peace and perspective the gospel bring to my life. At times, the folks at institute can be a bit simple in their understanding of the gospel. I may have to work on not becoming cynical and annoyed with their ignorance. But I'm looking forward to devoting time in my life to further study and understanding.

And So It Begins

2010-08-24T06:55:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in class waiting for my professor to start, and I'm thinking, "Wow, it's really here!"

Summer is long gone. Now it's back into the fray. I'm taking a lot more classes than I have in the last 3 years. Plus, my father-in-law still has some work that he wants me to do on the afternoons I'm not in classes. It's crazy.

But I'm really excited. I may have to drop a class if it turns out I'm not up to everything, but that's cool.

Opened Eyes

2010-07-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

So, I've recently spoken with a young man who has helped me better understand that people differ from each other. I've come to see more clearly that the path which has worked for me--that the Lord has prepared for me--is not the only path for other people. I still believe that true happiness is to be found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The Plan of Salvation--the Plan of Happiness--is designed to make us happy. I love that. I know that.

I also know that for some, the Lord's time-line is different. I am not saying that we just give up for this life and do whatever feels good. However, we all need to have an open heart and a willingness to do whatever we are prompted. Having the courage and strength to pursue those promptings faithfully in spite of difficulty. . . That's what we need the Savior for.

Happy

2010-07-18T13:55:00.001-07:00

I want to keep this post short so more people will read it.

I am happy. Really, truly, deeply happy. I'm attracted to men. I'm in a monogamous heterosexual marriage. I'm active in the Church. I have a strong testimony of the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I experience joy on a daily basis.

I want everyone to know that I've found peace through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement can do so much more than fix sin! While I'm far from perfect and I still have my share of difficulties, that peace is undeniable. It is unchanging.

I'm happy. Really, that's all I've ever wanted. I think that's what we're all really after. The problem we face is figuring out what will actually bring that happiness. I know I have only found this level of peace and joy through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

The End.

Fireside Report

2010-07-05T18:10:00.000-07:00

Here is an expanded version of the Fireside Report that I prepared for North Star. Bravone also helped put this together, but I wrote most of it in the first person. I know that there was some level of opposition to the whole idea of the fireside in the first place, especially since we were in full support of the doctrine of the Church. I truly believe that the Spirit of the Lord was present, and that the fireside went just like Heavenly Father wanted it to. Anyway, here's the report:

When I started actively dealing with my own same-gender attraction almost three years ago, I could never have even imagined anything like this evening. I felt so alone, so misunderstood, and so hopeless. I felt helpless to fix things in my life and in my marriage. I am eternally grateful for the blessing of supportive friends, loving family, and righteous priesthood leaders who chose to let their light shine, guiding me to the source of true healing: the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

As my wife Ashley and I began to find peace and resolution to our own trials with the issue, we felt a powerful desire to reach out to others. With her support and the guidance of the Spirit, I organized a support group for men dealing with same-gender attraction. We now have a strong group of amazing men. About a year ago, I started feeling that the Lord wanted something more. The ideas for this fireside started to flow. The Lord blessed our efforts. Things came together. And here we are reporting on one of the most amazing things that has ever happened in my life.

I talked with Steve about putting a fireside together in our area about nine months ago. He was super supportive, but neither of us knew quite what to do. A few months later, the Lord impressed on my mind that He was very serious about this fireside idea. My wife and I brainstormed a few ideas, and I contacted our Area Authority to propose the event. He was supportive, but told me that I would need a Stake President to host such a fireside. I told Steve, and reported that I was going to set up an appointment with my Stake President. He said that he already had an appointment with his and offered to bring it up.

President Bowen was extremely supportive, and with his green light, we started inviting speakers. President Bowen worked with the Area Authority to send the word out to 60 local Stake Presidents. I had to take the initiative and type up all of the publicity stuff. I know I'm certainly not the best at that, but I did what I could. The decision on how to pass the word on (or not) stayed with the individual Stake Presidents. We had no idea how many people to expect. In all, over 400 people were in attendance.

I opened the fireside with a few instructions on the evening and I suggested a few thoughts for the participants to keep in mind about the issue. “First, people often use the same words to mean different things. Tonight you may hear words such as gay, homosexual, same-gender, or same-sex attraction used in different ways. Please be careful about making judgments based on your own definitions of these words. If necessary, ask for clarification.

Second, tonight, you will likely hear many suggestions and ideas. Some may resonate with you. Others may not. That’s okay. Not all solutions will work for all people. We are all unique individuals in different places in our journeys. Only the Lord can help you know how to apply these suggestions or ideas to your own personal and unique circumstances.

Finally, there may also be times this evening when you are pushed outside of your comfort zone. For many, just showing up here has already done that. One of our greatest challenges as members of the Church is to dispel the shadows of fear and shame that surround this issue. This can only be done by bringing it into the open and exposing it to the light of the Son. The ways we talk about same-gender attraction, the extent to which we are open in our discussions with each other and especially with our youth—This is what is going to determine whether or not those who feel alone and discouraged because of their same-gender attraction will have the courage to reach out for help. Creating an atmosphere of love and acceptance where that can happen, and responding compassionately to the reaching of others is a central part of our covenants to follow Jesus Christ. Please be patient with others and with yourselves as we seek to better understand how we can keep our covenants in regards to this issue.

I recognize that all of us have our own challenges and trials. I know that they are unique to each individual. But I also know that the most effective solution to every one of our trials and challenges is found within the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. Through the Atonement of our Savior, we can find the promised peace and joy we seek. That happiness can come to us regardless of, and in part, because of our mortal circumstances. It is my prayer that the Spirit of the Lord will be with each of us tonight to help us learn how we can more effectively access the power of the Atonement in our own lives and teach us how we can help others to do the same. “
We then broke out into four different sessions: Men who experience SSA, Women who Experience SSA, Friends and Family, and Priesthood Leaders.

I participated in the Men’s group. We had a talk from a former Stake and Mission President. His remarks were pretty generic. I do remember him saying very clearly two different times, “We are sons of a living Heavenly Father who loves each of us.” Other than that, the only thing that really stuck out was a letter he asked his wife to read. It was from his Son, who experiences SSA and is just returning to the Church. It was such a special and powerful testimony.

Next, a clinical psychologist spoke to us. His words were addressed to us, and at times dealt with the actual attractions. Most of the time, though, they dealt with the emotional wounds we as SSA men have experienced. The Spirit spoke to me many times, pointing out areas in my life that I needed to address as well as areas God had already started to heal.

At the beginning of the Question and Answer Panel, we didn’t have any questions. One brave man offered a question. We didn’t have enough time to answer even close to all of the questions. One comment really struck me. Answering a question, Ty Mansfield, suggested that SSA is not a single issue. Rather, it is a combination of many different emotional, psychological, spiritual, and even purely physiological wants, needs, and challenges. Sometimes, we can address the emotional, psychological, and spiritual issues. Other times, the issue at hand is little more than sexual energy that simply needs to be rechanneled into different facets of life.

The Friends and Family session was our largest group with over 200 people. Fred Matis spoke first. The message was that loved ones dealing with same-gender attraction need to be loved. This challenge may be a big deal to them, but it isn’t their defining characteristic. They need to know that they are loved, accepted, and supported in all aspects of their lives. Ashley Lindley touched on three points from Elder Holland’s Ensign Article: we must reach out in love to those who struggle, marriage is possible but it certainly isn’t a solution, and we should keep our lines of communication open. The Question and Answer panel was a great opportunity for those close to the issue to see other families who are in similar situations. Both those with loved ones who have strayed from the gospel as well as those who are supporting a loved one’s decision to live righteously were given encouragement and hope.

President Brad Bowen began the session for Priesthood Leaders by expressing his love for those who experience same gender attraction and gave a few personal experiences he has had as a priesthood leader working with both those who have desires to remain faithful to the covenants they have made and a few who felt that, because of their 'identity,' they needed to pursue a homosexual relationship. He encouraged priesthood leaders to recognize same gender attracted individuals as sons and daughters of God who live with a 'thorn in the flesh,' much as did Paul, and that just having same sex desires is not a sin. He emphasized that if an individual has not acted on these feelings, he is as worthy of serving in any capacity as anyone else. He also reminded all of the cleansing power of the atonement. Dan Barnes, a therapist at BYUI gave an excellent talk on his opinion of how, based on his professional experience, priesthood leaders could help individuals who are same gender attracted. He focused on helping dispel shame, showing compassion, and helping one overcome addictions that may fuel SSA feelings. One prevailing message was that some may never marry, and leaders should not encourage it as a cure, but rather help individuals understand that personal happiness can be found living the principles of the gospel and relying on the enabling power of the atonement.

This fireside was simply breathtaking; not only in its scope, but also in the depth of the Spirit that was present. Was it perfect? No. It is impossible in that amount of time to say everything. Our audience was very diverse, which made it difficult to offer specific solutions, even in the breakout sessions. In spite of these limitations, I feel that the Lord’s will was accomplished. Many lives were touched. Progress was made. I am truly humbled to have been a part of this work. It will go forward. Future Firesides will be held in our area, and interest has been expressed in using this model for Firesides in other areas. I know that our Heavenly Father loves each of us. I testify that the surest path to happiness and peace in this life and the next is to be found through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

SSA Fireside in Idaho Falls

2010-06-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

I wanted to announce the Fireside I've been working on. I posted earlier calling for volunteers, but it's now put together and it's almost here!

Here's the flier that's been sent out:

Finding Joy in the Journey

An evening of education and hope for individuals who experience same-gender attraction, their families, friends, and priesthood leaders

Date: Sunday June 27th, 2010
Time: 6:00 – 8:30 PM
Location: Idaho Falls North Stake Memorial Building (Next to the Temple)

In harmony with efforts by the First Presidency to approach the challenge of same-gender attraction with a new level of compassion and understanding, everyone is invited to participate in this unique fireside to strengthen their testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. You are welcome whether you experience this challenge personally, know someone who does, or just want to understand the issue better

This special fireside will include instruction and encouragement for Priesthood Leaders, for those who experience same-gender attraction, and for friends and family. Presenters will include Priesthood Leaders and Mental Health Professionals. We are also honored to announce that Ty Mansfield, world-renowned author of In Quiet Desperation, will be our feature speaker.

For more information contact:
Kevin Lindley at (208) 201-8306 or idahofalls.ssa@gmail.com

The following is an excerpt from a letter sent out to 60 Stakes in Southeast Idaho:

We live in a time of increasing difficulty and temptation. The world is relentless in its efforts to ensnare Latter-Day Saints. One particularly devastating and challenging trial faced by many members of the Church is same-gender attraction. This unwanted difficulty is increasingly common. While the percentage of individuals who embrace alternate lifestyles is small, nearly 10% of people experience feelings of sexual attraction to members of the same sex. The nature of this trial leads far too many of our members to become discouraged and abandon hope. Far too many fall away from the sweet peace that the Gospel can bring.

Recently, the First Presidency and other Leaders of the Church have made an effort to approach same-gender attraction with a new level of compassion and understanding. Elder Jeffery R. Holland wrote an article for the Ensign which was published shortly after the release of the new pamphlet God Loveth His Children. Reading these documents, it is clear that the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve recognize the need for us to reach out in love and understanding to those who experience same-gender attraction.

To that end, we have organized a fireside designed for all members of the Church: individuals who experience same-gender attraction and Priesthood Leaders, as well as every parent and friend in the church. We invite your stake or ward to participate in this unique opportunity. Please make an effort to let every member know about this invaluable learning experience. This special fireside will include specific instruction for you as Priesthood Leaders, for those who experience same-gender attraction, and for friends and family. Presenters will include Priesthood Leaders and Mental Health Professionals. We are also honored to announce that Ty Mansfield, world-renowned author of In Quiet Desperation, will be our feature speaker.

We've included a flier that could be posted in your buildings. We've also included an announcement to add to your bulletin for the next couple of weeks. Additionally, we encourage you to consider announcing this event from the pulpit. Perhaps you are aware of individuals who would benefit from this fireside; they would most-likely benefit from a special personal invitation for them to attend.

Thank you sincerely for your efforts in reaching out to those who struggle daily with this incredibly difficult and often misunderstood challenge. As we all strive to increase our understanding and compassion, we will be better able to offer the Christ-like love and support so desperately needed.

Peace, Joy, and Happiness

2010-05-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

I’ve been pondering a lot about happiness and the gospel of Jesus Christ lately. I will admit that such reflection is due in part to a number of conversations here on North Star, but the topic has been on my mind for some time thanks to the circumstances of my personal life. I have experienced a number of insights that I would like to share. I do so hesitantly. For some, my words may seem harsh or unfeeling. For others, they may come across as weak. Nevertheless, I truly believe that someone might benefit from the thoughts and feelings I have had. That possibility is enough to move me to risk. I am extending myself and being vulnerable.

I am motivated by a deep love for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and a burning desire to help my brothers feel of the peace, love, and joy that He offers regardless of their individual life circumstances. It is my hope that the rest of my post would be read and felt with that spirit. I know that I don’t have the eloquence or ability to convince anyone of anything. All I can do is share my own experiences and the thoughts that have come to my mind. So, please don’t “trifle with the words which I shall write.” (Mosiah 2:9) Instead, I would ask that you open your hearts to the influence of the Holy Ghost and sincerely seek to learn from Him how my words might apply to your life.

“Men are that they might have joy.” Happiness and it’s deeper, longer lasting cousin, Joy, are what all of us are really after in this life as well as the next. I really believe that. Everything we do is an attempt to gain or increase our happiness. Sometimes we choose temporary pleasures that bring painful consequences later. Sometimes we choose something difficult because we believe that it will bring us happiness in the future. Sometimes (maybe often) we don’t really understand how our actions are related to the search for happiness.

The Church talks about happiness a lot. The usual “recipe” for happiness typically includes keeping the commandments and understanding the Plan of Salvation. That used to really annoy me. I was keeping the commandments, and I knew the Plan of Salvation. Yet I still wasn’t happy. The recipe simply wasn’t working. I heard a bunch of Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods talking about how wonderful life was, and I hated it. It made me furious that they had never had any problems in their lives. Because, I was sure, the only way that a person could believe that keeping the commandments somehow equaled being happy was is they’d never really had any life experience.

However, the harder I tried to “un-believe” everything about keeping the commandments and God’s plan, the more I knew I couldn’t. I felt like Laman and Lemuel. They chose to go into the wilderness with Lehi. They could have stayed home or turned back at any time. But despite all their complaining and threatening, they never did. It was as though they couldn’t let go of what they knew, but it wasn’t bringing them the happiness they were looking for. So they followed along, resentful that they couldn’t just abandon their beliefs, complaining cynically at every opportunity.

Nephi had asked the Lord to help him believe and understand. The Lord answered his prayers. But Laman and Lemuel reported that “the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.” That’s how I felt. I mean, I wasn’t perfect. I was pretty much addicted to porn and masturbation. Time after time, I tried to stop. I plead for forgiveness and for help in overcoming. I begged for some little mercy, just a taste to know that God was there, that he loved me. I got nothing. I worked so hard to be perfect in every other area of my life. Still, I was far from happy. Nothing I did could fill the aching void inside me. I started to believe that the only way I could find happiness—the only thing I hadn’t tried—was to find a relationship with another man.

But I was trapped. I wanted to turn back to Jerusalem, to leave the traditions of my fathers. But I couldn’t just ignore what I knew. I tried to find some way to justify or rationalize a romantic/sexual relationship without totally abandoning my beliefs. I got really good at it. I got picky and choosy about what I would believe and not believe. And I found a level of happiness. It worked—sort of. I was moving farther and farther from what I used to know. For the first time in my life, the void was being filled. But I was still missing something. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. I did my best to push all thoughts of the missing piece far from my mind.

I’m sure many men find effective ways of keeping the feeling of missing something at bay. Some are able to ignore or repress that longing through a variety of different ways. Some build a reactive anger toward anything that reminds them of the feeling. Some become very good at distracting themselves. Some manage it until they die. They focus on the limited happiness available to them and try not to think about the missing piece. Others aren’t so lucky. They can’t seem to ignore the longing they feel and the conflicting desires just become too much. They try to escape the conflict by escaping life.

Luckily for me, the Lord had a different plan for me. My life unraveled extremely quickly. I hit the end of my rope. I could no longer ignore the war being waged inside my soul. It was killing me. I was desperate for something to change. I had to either stop living or figure something out. I am grateful that the Lord had arranged my life so that I had a real motivation to figure things out rather than end my life. He also led me to a solution to my problem.

I remembered learning some principles from this book by Elder Richard G. Scott called Finding Peace, Joy, and Happiness. He said that happiness was what God had created us for that "It can and should be the general background in which life is lived." But in order for us to be able to actually feel that happiness, we first had to have peace. Peace is an elusive little thing.

It comes in two forms. The first is peace of mind. It means that we are free from forces which would cause us unhappiness or pain. The second is peace of conscience. Peace of conscience is a natural consequence of living a life that is in harmony with keeping the commandments of God and repenting when we fall short. It is function of the Light of Christ that influences every man and woman on the earth. Without peace of conscience there can be no peace of mind. Without both forms of peace, we are not able to feel the happiness that is our nature.

Restoring peace of mind is not always easy. Sometimes, we can take relatively simple steps to resolve the conditions that interfere with our peace. Other times the process is more complex. Peace of conscience on the other hand cannot be obtained by any means other than righteous living and repentance. The discomfort caused by a lack of peace of conscience can be eased in other ways. I became very good at using rationalization to reduce the tension between my behavior and my beliefs. I also used another powerful tool: pornography. Others have used alcohol, drugs, or compulsive sex. These behaviors distract us from our lack of peace of conscience. They also have disastrous consequences.

Every time we sin and fail to fully repent, we are forced to change. The incongruity between belief and behavior creates an unbearable tension. We either have to change the behavior or change the belief. Even when I refused to completely abandon my belief (which some have successfully done), I was still having to rationalize how what I was doing could fit into my beliefs. This process did ease the tension, but it was not able to fully erase it. I still lacked a peace of conscience, because no matter how effective I was at changing my thoughts or beliefs, I could not change my spiritual sensitivity to the Light of Christ. I could ignore it, but ignoring it doesn’t bring peace of conscience. The peace can only be felt by being in harmony with God’s laws. Since none of us are able to always live in such harmony, the merciful opportunity of repentance allows us to return to a state of peace.

But even peace of conscience isn’t enough to make us feel happiness. I can have perfect peace of conscience and still be miserable. I have to also restore peace of mind. This can be very tricky. In order to resolve the issues that are interrupting peace of mind, a person needs to understand the cause of those issues. Only by getting to the root of what is behind our “un-peace of mind” are we able to figure out what we need to do to restore our peace of mind.

I had reached the point where my mind was so far from peace that I couldn’t stand it any longer. I needed peace of conscience. I was led to read Alma 31:34. Harden not their hearts. Was my heart hard? How else could I explain the failure of the Plan of Redemption—the Plan of Happiness—to take effect in my life? I had to truly repent, to come unto Christ and soften my heart. It took a lot for me to realize how stubborn I had been. I was so prideful and hard-hearted. I knew that what I had been doing hadn’t worked—hadn’t brought me the happiness I so desperately wanted. The problem I couldn’t see was that I wasn’t allowing God into my heart. I was so determined to make it on my own that I wasn’t willing to submit to His influence. Mosiah 3:19 came to mind.

I feel a deep gratitude that the Lord blessed my fist effort to truly humble myself and open my heart to Him. I was flooded with a profound sense of His love and, for the first time that I could remember, a peace of conscience. It was unlike anything I could imagine. It was a taste of happiness. The more I sought to open my heart and develop humility—the more I learned to just let go and turn control over to the Lord—the more that peace grew. I realized quickly that half-hearted efforts were not sufficient. I couldn’t expect the Lord to bless me with the peace I wanted, unless I was willing to completely let go of my selfish desires and surrender everything to Him. That humility and submission were the key to unlocking my peace.

The happiness I experienced, however, didn’t last. It couldn’t. I had finally obtained a peace of conscience, but without a peace of mind, I couldn’t hold onto happiness. I had to do something about my peace of mind. I know that my feelings of SSA seriously got in the way of my peace of mind. I needed the help of a competent therapist who helped me understand the root issues. However, the therapist could not give me the solutions I wanted. He didn’t know what steps I needed to take to restore my peace of mind. I sure as hell didn’t know what those steps were. If I did, I’d have taken them long ago.

I was pretty disappointed that the advice I received from other SSA friends, therapists, and priesthood leaders really didn’t work. I mean, some of it was helpful, but there simply was no formula for resolving the issues I was facing. Well, at least not that any mortal knew. My Father in Heaven knew what I needed to do. He knew the answers. I can only get them from Him. He does use many means of communicating with me: dreams, professionals, friends, priesthood leaders, good books, scriptures, direct revelation. But however He communicates with me, I absolutely have to let Him direct me in the application of the principles I learn. Whenever I try to figure things out on my own, I misapply the lessons I think I’ve learned. I am an individual. I am unique. Only God knows what I need. I only know that I need His wisdom and His guidance to know how to incorporate the things I’m being taught into my life.

As I’ve allowed God into my heart and into my mind, I have felt His guidance. He has led me to resolve the issues that interfere with my peace of mind. New things come up. Old things creep back in. But as I turn to Him, I am given solutions to my problems. If I follow those promptings, I find peace of conscience and of mind. When I have that peace, I am able to feel of the happiness that is who I am. It’s my nature. It’s me.

My heart aches for my brothers and sisters who seek to find happiness outside of Father’s plan for us. I love them. I know that they are likely finding reprieve from the conflicts and longings that have caused so much pain and suffering in their lives. I’m not judging them or condemning them. I’m happy if they feel less pain, less despair. But I am sad for them, because I know that the solutions they have chosen will never lead to lasting peace, true happiness, or full joy. Even worse, those solutions have a way of trapping individuals—of binding them with the chains of hell. Still, though, I am comforted in the knowledge that the power of Jesus Christ is greater than the power of the devil. His Atonement is strong enough to free any caught in the snares of the adversary.

I am so grateful for the Atonement. I’m even more grateful that I have learned how to access its infinite power. I know that my own imperfections and shortcomings would prevent me from finding true, lasting happiness if it weren’t for the Savior’s sacrifice. I know that not everyone who tries to keep the commandments finds happiness. I am all too personally and intimately familiar with that feeling. I am, however, also sure beyond any doubt that it is not possible to experience peace of conscience, peace of mind, or true happiness unless we are living in harmony with the commandments and constantly repenting.

I know that it is the Lord’s plan for each of His children to find peace and joy. He is anxiously waiting for us to return to Him—to allow Him to restore our peace of conscience. He is ready and willing to provide us with the solutions we need to restore our peace of mind. He is aching for us to feel the happiness and joy for which He created us. May we each humble ourselves, open our hearts, sincerely seek His guidance, and faithfully follow His counsel. May we be willing to make the changes that He suggests. I testify that as we do, He will bless us with peace and happiness. I know that this is true.

Term Paper

2010-04-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

So, it's long. It's a paper I wrote for my Theories of Personality class. I know it's a big risk, but I trust my professor.

In Defiance of Nature: Embracing the Human Potential to Change

It’s hard to deny that our 21st century American society is highly sexualized. Sex is used in advertising to sale everything from sporting gear to alcohol. Our entertainment media, in an attempt to more accurately portray “real life,” portrays sex frequently. Despite a bitter debate about causes and effects, the facts speak for themselves. Sex has grown to be one of today’s key motivators. As a result, it is becoming rare for individuals to choose something over sex. Sex is who you are; it’s a natural urge that cannot be ignored or denied.

This is especially true when it comes to homosexuality. The homosexual individuals may be even more focused on sex and physical attractiveness than heterosexuals (Martin, Tiggemann, & Churchett, 2008). There are many different ways to conceptualize homosexual behavior and attractions. As a happily married man who also experiences homosexual attractions, I have faced many explanations and their conclusions about my behavior. In the context of personality psychology, I would like to illustrate two explanations for homosexual behavior. First, I will consider a biological approach to the issue. Then, I will examine the behavior from a social learning perspective. Finally, I will discuss the short-comings of an individual approach and suggest an additional dimension for consideration.

We often speak of sexual orientation as though it is some innate, immutable characteristic of a person’s nature. Unlike extroversion or conscientiousness, though, many understand sexual orientation to be a categorizable trait. We rarely hear an individual describe himself as scoring “relatively high for homosexuality.” We don’t talk about situational sexual orientation. One is, or one is not. This way of understanding sexual orientation rests heavily on the biological approach to personality psychology.

The biological approach to personality is founded on the idea that our physical composition, a result of genetic differences, is the primary factor in behavior. While most biological psychologists admit an interaction between an individual’s genetic code and the environment, the physiological mechanisms are still given the credit for driving the behavior. In the case of homosexuality, a biological psychologist would attempt to find physiological differences between homosexual individuals and heterosexual individuals. Findings in this area cover such differences in finger length (Kraemer et al., 2006), brain structure (Wheeler, 1991), and olfactory reception (Neff, 2005). Other biological psychologists are interested in the way a person’s environment affect the physiological underpinnings of behavior. These researchers have investigated the effect of prenatal hormone levels on sexual orientation (Meyer-Bahlburg, Dolezal, Baker, & New, 2008).

Even biological psychology has its own branches. Genetic psychology is the study of psychology in relationship to information passed from an organism to its offspring. The hallmark study of genetic psychology is the twin study. Twin studies investigate the relationship between genetic code similarities and personality or behavioral differences. Monozygotic twins share one hundred percent of their DNA. Fraternal twins on the other hand, have fifty percent of their DNA in common. By finding the correlation between the occurrence of personality traits or behavior and the level of shared DNA, biological scientists report the extent to which the trait or behavior is determined by genetic code. Twin studies show a higher occurrence of homosexuality in identical twins than dizygotic twins. The correlation between biological and adopted siblings is very low (Verweij et al., 2008). These findings lead biological scientists to conclude that homosexuality has a major genetic component.

Whether they attribute the causes to environment or genetics, biological psychologists would most likely agree that homosexuality is permanent. If an individual’s sexual attractions are directed toward the same gender, there isn’t much a person can do. In many ways, biological psychologists are entity theorists. The understanding is that an individual’s traits and predispositions are inborn and stable. An incremental theorist would argue that those aspects of personality are subject to change depending on an individual’s free will or environmental factors. Biology and physiology on the other hand are quite static; if characteristics are determined primarily by “nature,” they are also likely to remain static. Therefore to an individual conflicted over his homosexual feelings, the answer is simply to remove any values or beliefs that conflict with the desires. Change is a dangerous word in the gay world.

An alternative approach to biological psychology’s determinism is the perspective offered by social learning theorists. Dollard and Miller first proposed the idea of drives nearly fifty years ago. They defined a drive as a state of psychological tension that feels good when it is reduced. A person is then “driven” to reduce that tension by performing some action. Dollard and Miller divided drives into two separate categories. Primary drives are those drives that are innate to an individual. These are the most basic drives, such as for warmth and food. Even infants are motivated to reduce unpleasant feelings such as hunger and coldness. Other drives are learned. These secondary drives become associated with primary drives. Money can be used to provide both shelter and food, so a drive for money may become learned. Fame, power, and avoidance of fear are other examples of secondary drives. Rotter proposed that individuals learn to associate behaviors with anticipated rewards rather than actual rewards. Combining these two social learning theories, An individual can develop a secondary drive that is anticipated to reduce the tension, even if the resulting action doesn’t actually bring the desired effect.

At least one psychologist applied the social learning approach to homosexuality (Matheson, 1995). He begins with the premise that the need for same-gender acceptance and love is a primary drive. This drive is usually reduced through interaction with the same-sex parent and same-sex friends. (As a side-note this approach also incorporates Freudian thought: Freud argued that the latency stage, characterized by association with same-sex peers precedes the stage of mature sexuality.) However, some individuals fail to reduce that drive through such interaction. While not all of these individuals become homosexuals, some early experiences can create an association between homosexual behavior and a reduction of the primary drive for same-sex inclusion. This creates a secondary drive for homosexual behavior that is aimed at reducing unpleasant feelings of isolation. Whether or not these behaviors actually reduce the drive is irrelevant, according to Rotter. If they provide temporary relief of the psychological tension (as sex of any type can), or even if they are expected to reduce the discomfort associated with the primary drive, those behaviors will move up the individual’s habit hierarchy. The further up they move, the more likely an individual is to continue such behavior.
Contrary to the proposition of biological psychology, social learning theory does allow for a change in behavior. If an individual were to learn other ways to reduce the tension of the primary drive, the power of the secondary drive will be diminished. This decrease will move the behavior farther down the habit hierarchy. The associations between the tension and the homosexual behavior may never completely fade, but such behavior need not continue indefinitely. An individual wishing to change homosexual behavior would, using this approach, seek to understand the primary drives associated with the secondary drive of homosexual behavior. Once those needs are identified, the individual would seek to meet them in ways other than homosexuality. To help this process, this individual would be wise to attempt to alter his expectancies. If he views the behavior as failing to address the primary drive, his behavior will change to what he does see as successful at reducing that drive.

The problem with using only one of these approaches is that one may focus to narrowly on one aspect of the behavior and miss other essential components. Trait theory, psychoanalysis, cultural approaches, and humanism all offer unique perspectives into behavior. While it is admittedly impossible to focus on all of these approaches at the same time, an individual seeking to truly understand a behavior would consider all of these aspects. Failure to do so may lead to a sort of myopia which ignores, or even denies, key elements of human experience.
One of those key elements is the role of faith in the actions of an individual. Faith in a Higher Power can have a great effect on behavior. Often, this faith provides a deeper sense of purpose and motivation. Whether faith is passed on from parents or society, or is the product of a more individual experience, this faith can have a counter-intuitive influence on the actions of a person. Psychology as a science is reluctant to give credence to supernatural powers, which is understandable. Regardless of the nature of reality, an individual’s perception of reality is what matters most. Religious values play a role in the experience of many individuals seeking to change homosexual behavior (Spitzer, 2003). While many “realistic” psychologists may argue that suppressing homosexual tendencies will always lead to unhappiness, the reality is that individuals do change homosexual behavior and experience happiness and life-satisfaction. The role of faith in this process seems to be pivotal.

One thing that becomes clear the more one investigates behavior is the complexity of it all. There seems to be no easy answer as to the cause of behavior. The search for simple answers is futile at best. A wiser course of action would be to examine behavior from many different perspectives, searching for a more holistic solution to the question of why. While there are clearly recurring themes in human behavior, a careful and broad analysis of the unique circumstances may yield the most fruitful results in understanding and changing behavior.

References

Kraemer, B., Noll, T., Delsignore, A., Milos, G., Schnyder, U., & Hepp, U. (2006). Finger length ratio (2D:4D) and dimensions of sexual orientation. Neuropsychobiology, 53(4), 210-214. doi:10.1159/000094730.

Martin, Y., Tiggemann, M., & Churchett, L. (2008). The shape of things to come: gay men’s satisfaction with specific body parts. Psychology of Men and Masculinity, 9, 248-256. doi:10.1037/a0012473.

Matheson, D. (1995) Pathways into homosexuality. Retrieved from http://www.genderwholeness.com/Pathway/path_title.html.

Meyer-Bahlburg, H., Dolezal, C., Baker, S., & New, M. (2008). Sexual orientation in women with classical or non-classical congenital adrenal hyperplasia as a function of degree of prenatal androgen excess. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 37, 85-99. doi:10.1007/s10508-007-9265-1.

Neff, L. (2005). Scents and sexuality. Advocate, (942), 34-41

Spitzer, R. (2003). Can some gay men and lesbians change their sexual orientation? 200 participants reporting a change from homosexual to heterosexual orientation. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32, 403-417.

Verweij, K., Shekar, S., Zietsch, B., Eaves, L., Bailey, J., Boomsma, D., et al. (2008). Genetic and environmental influences on individual differences in attitudes toward homosexuality: an australian twin study. Behavior Genetics, 38, 257-265. doi:10.1007/s10519-008-9200-9.

Wheeler, D. (1991). A researcher's claim of finding a biological basis for homosexuality rekindles debate over link. Chronicle of Higher Education, 38, A9.

Tired

2010-04-13T13:38:00.001-07:00

I'm tired today. It's been almost two months since I have felt this tired, foggy, and drained. I don't know what's up. I slept well last night, but woke up feeling drained. I don't know what's up. But I made a goal to post regularly and it's pretty much been a week. I'll write more when I have enough energy to think.

2010-04-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

So, I'm not entirely sure what to write. It has been an interesting week. Life really is good. The challenges and stresses never seem to cease, although it does seem that they are always changing. As I figure one set of trials out and grow until I can handle them, something else always comes up and makes me grow further. I really am grateful for the plan of the Lord that is designed to maximize our growth. I'm amazed how it is possible to feel peace and joy even when life is stressful and chaotic.

I loved General Conference. It is always good to listen to the words of inspired men. I had what I consider to be a fairly odd reaction to the messages I heard. While there were many moments of inspiration and encouragement, the main impression I came away with was that I am simply not normal. That doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. I don't feel any shame or isolation as a result of that realization. I'm not beating myself up, nor am I bragging in the least. Most of what was said just didn't feel like it was directed at me. Maybe I'm just totally insensitive to the Spirit and super prideful and hardened. But I really don't feel like that.

I really do feel like the Holy Ghost was passing on a message from my Father that said, "You're doing really well. Don't get too worked up about any of these talks." I felt a lot of help accepting that message. In the past, I've had some very different reactions to General Conference talks. I used to get so caught up in the literal message--or to use King Benjamin's words, I used to trifle with the words--that I would frequently miss the message that the Lord was trying to teach me. I would get discourage when Apostles would exhort us to do better in our callings. I was already giving my best effort. Or when they would counsel us to just have faith and be obedient. I was doing the best I could and I was still miserable. Why weren't they addressing the real issues that I was dealing with? I knew that I wasn't the only one. And not just SSA. Depression, Loneliness, a lack of charity in the ward. Why were they ignoring the real problems? I was so frustrated. Could this really be God's Church, under His direction, if this is what the leaders were saying?

I've come to realize that the Lord is really, intimately involved in my life. He is willing to teach me everything I need to know. He can match his message to my exact situation. After all, He understands it better than anyone else, even better than I do. It is just interesting how often His answers to my problems are in opposition (or more often, in addition) to what is being said at the pulpit. Am I totally misunderstanding the Spirit? I have a hard time believing that. I am way too happy and I feel way too much peace.

Some might say that I've been brainwashed by the philosophies of men as I've studied psychology. I sure don't feel like that is true. I find it easy to fit what I'm learning into the framework provided by the Gospel and the Plan of Salvation. It feels good and right. I just think that there are times when we need more than scripture reading, prayers, and faith. I'm not saying those things are ever unimportant and I certainly don't believe that any of them are ever harmful. But in circumstances where there is a need for additional help and counsel, focusing too much on those solutions as a panacea for all mortal problems may prevent some from receiving the help they need. Even more risky is the possibility that some individuals will give up on the Gospel because faith, prayer, and other basic answers are too often the only answers given. I see that way too often.

I don't know how many people read my blog, I bet even fewer people are still reading at this point. I feel like I'm rambling, but I guess that's kind of the whole reason I have a blog in the first place. Mostly I write just to journal and process my thoughts and feelings, but I'm really curious what my readers (if I have any) think. Is there a place for psychological principles in the lives of Latter-Day Saints? Are there times when the "basics of the gospel" are not enough to deal with the issues in our lives? If the answer is yes, how do I reconcile that with the fact that the General Authorities don't talk about more than they do? Or was my initial impression correct and I am just crazy?

25

2010-03-30T13:15:00.000-07:00

So I had to change the description of my blog. Last Thursday I turned 25. Now that may seem really young to a lot of people, or really old to others, but it was interesting for me. 25 is kind of a big number in my mind. I had always set that as the point when I was no longer a young adult. I like squares, and I've always liked 5, so 5 squared has to be one of the best numbers ever! Oh, and my birthday is March 25th, so 25 has always been one of those numbers. I guess it's just that I never really imagined that I would be 25. Or any older for that matter.

It's not like being 25 is really all that much different. In fact, I felt decades younger this year than I did last year. We've figured our all my issues with sleep so that I'm no longer so ridiculously sleepy all the time. I have energy and motivation. It's great. I don't feel 70 anymore. But other than that, I'm just me. I say that I'm 25 is just a little weird for me.

Other than that, life is really good. I stay busy with school, work, and the foster kids. It's definitely been a challenge for me to force myself to take care of myself. I am so lucky that I have this incredible wife who knows me well enough to recognize when I'm running low. It's even better when she allows me--even encourages me--to take care of the things I need to. Guy time, me time, relaxation, rest, excitement, when I am taking care of myself, the rest of it kind of just falls into place. Everything doesn't necessarily just right, but I am in a lot better place to handle the issues that do come up. I have the energy and desire I need for my marriage and the kids.

Part of me taking care of myself is taking the time to really be authentic with myself. It means really paying attention to what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. It means going past the initial thoughts and feelings and giving myself enough time to get into the deeper, underlying feelings and thoughts. Only when I'm really in touch with my whole self can I be truly content with myself. I'm not trying to suppress or hide parts of me from my consciousness. When I do that, there is always a tension. It takes a lot of energy to keep things under the surface. When I remove the walls and experience myself as a whole, I find a strength. Even if I don't particularly like all of these parts of myself(my painful emotions, my weaknesses, my imperfections), by accepting them, I receive a sense of peace and hope. That peace and hope is essential to my happiness.

Just as important as being authentic with myself is being authentic with others. The more that I allow myself to really be real with my wife or with my brothers, the more I can feel their love and acceptance. It can be really scary to be completely open and vulnerable with others, especially men. But the rewards are totally worth the risks.

Perhaps the most important relationship in which I can be authentic, is in my relationship with the Godhead. To the extent that I am not being open and honest with Heavenly Father, I close myself off from His love and support. If I am trying to hide any feeling or thought from Him, I inhibit my ability to feel the Spirit. I have to be open and truly willing to accept grace, the power of the Atonement in my life. If I am holding back, if I am trying to do things on my own, if I am not being honest about my shortcomings as well as my strengths, I limit the connection I have to my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and the Holy Ghost. On the other hand, when I really feel that connection, when I allow myself to be open to the influence of the Godhead, it brings with it a joy and peace that help me rise above the concerns of mortality.

Authenticity prepares me to experience the greatest blessings that Heavenly Father wants to grant me. For me, authenticity makes life worth living, even if I'm 25.

Me. Today.

2010-03-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

Balance between “me” and “family.”
A tricky dichotomy.
Horses, Guitar, Sleep.
Piano, Sax, Outside.

Spring.
Time traveling.
Live in the present.

Laundry, dishes, bedroom.
Spring Break.
Relax.
Two papers to write.

Time, so limited . . . too much.
Boredom: not giving myself permission to express myself.
Balance.

Spring Break.
Remembering . . .
California, Wicked.
Wishing for a repeat.

Kids, Responsibility,
chains.
Longing . . .
unknown.

Anger, frustration.
I try . . .
pointless, futile.
Magniloquence.
Is that all I am?

Overwhelmed.
So much . . . too little.
Desire.
Alone. Scared.

Balance.
Open or Closed?
Walls.
Heart or Mind?

Deep inside . . . Peace.
Surrounded.
Safe.
Happy.

Mortality.
As a Dream.
Through the glass darkly.
Light. Joy. Don’t understand.

Grace.
Father . . . Dad.
Brother . . . Friend.
Son . . .

Son . . .
Heir.
Beloved.
Me?

Light.
Peace.
Grace.

Son.
Happy.
Peace.

Avoidance

2010-03-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

So, in my last post I talked about avoidance and my lack of connection with the warrior in me. I've been working on that a lot lately. I've changed up my pharmacological routine and it has really helped with my general energy level. I used to be so tired and groggy. I have noticed now that I have somewhat normal levels of alertness and energy my connection to my warrior has increased. I've got a lot more done at school, at work, around the house, in my relationships. It's really made a huge difference for me to be proactive in my relationships again. When I don't make the initiative, for whatever reason, I get discouraged about the lack of interaction I have. On the other hand, when I make that effort, I find much more meaningful connection with others. It's almost like what you get out of the relationship has something to do with what you put unto it. Who knew?

And then I looked at my blog. I have checked it darn near every week since my last post and each time had the thought, "I need to post something." And then I never do. I'm starting to get the feeling that I am avoiding blogging. The next question that comes up in my psychological mind is: Why? Well that's simple. I don't like writing about myself just to write about myself. Now, when I can convince myself that what I'm writing about can benefit someone else. . . . no problem. I can go on forever. (As you may have noticed from my previous posts.) But to write just because. . . .not so much.

I'm not sure this post will benefit anyone else. If you can't already tell, it hasn't flowed nearly as easily as my other posts. But I was determined not to give into the spirit of avoidance and just write something. And I think I've succeeded.

My Deepest Fear; My Greatest Need

2010-01-31T19:16:00.000-08:00

So, a couple of nights ago I had a pair of really vivid dreams. They both had the same theme. While there wasn't any graphic content in either one, both focused around me finding a lifetime boyfriend. They were both set shortly after my senior year of High School. In each one, I wasn't actively seeking a boyfriend, but they found me. Both guys were guys I knew from High School (mostly; I have a knack for blending people from real life into a single character in my dreams). Both guys were bigger than me, smarter than me (at least in the dream), and basically had their lives completely put together (again, in the dream). The main point in both dreams was that these guys not only had the ability to keep their act together, but still had energy, time, and love left over for me. I didn't have to worry about anything. They truly wanted me to be with them, even though they were pretty much taking care of me.

When I woke up, the feelings of those dreams were still present and still very powerful. In spite of my attempts to simply forget the dreams, the longing for that sort of relationship lingered well into the day. I was subbing at a school close to where my Dad works, so I sent him a text message asking if I could stop by his work and get a blessing. He agreed. I am so grateful for the prompting I had to ask him. I won't cheapen the sacred nature of our discussion by making it public, but I am truly, deeply thankful for that experience. I felt that our relationship was greatly strengthened and healed. I gained a new respect and appreciation for my father. He truly is a great man.

While the blessing provided a tremendous help and strength to me by lessening the intensity of the feelings and helping me refocus on what I really want and need, namely my wife and family, I still had this feeling that I still needed to resolve the issues that those dreams had brought up. It wasn't until Saturday night and on into Sunday that I was able to untangle the mess of thought and emotions. As I did, I came to a very profound understanding.

I thought about John Eldredge's claim that the central question that every man asks is "Do I have what it takes to be a man?" I realized that I am still asking that question. For a long time, I was convinced that the answer was simply "No." However, over the past couple of years, I have experienced a lot of healing of that wound. That doesn't mean that I have an affirmative answer. Not yet anyway. As I thought about how this insight related to my dreams, I realized that one of the main reasons I was so affected by those dreams had nothing to do with romance or sex. It was a feeling of relief, of relaxation and peace. I contrasted that with my usual, waking state of mind. I am almost always in a constant state of fretting about something. Usually, it has a lot to do with my ability to handle all of my duties, challenges, and obligations; to live up to all the expectations set by myself, others, and even God. It isn't that I'm sure I'm going to fail, I just don't know if I can handle it all. That is a lot of stress. It is a burden that weighs down on me constantly.

It came down to one primary question: "Do I always have to be 'the man?'" Do I always have to step up, cowboy up, soldier up, be strong, be tough? Do I have to always have to do my best, perform at the very top of my ability? Do I have to get everything done? Doesn't my failure to live up to these obligations make me less of a man? What if I don't want to always be busting my balls to live up to everything that is expected of me?

If the answer is "yes," then I want to know why I feel so daunted and overwhelmed by that task. More importantly, how do I get to a place where I am comfortable with that? It seems so foreign to my nature to always be the go getter and on top of everything. If God expects that of me, how do I get there? I have to believe that He doesnt' expect anything out of me without Him providing a way for me to do it. So, how is he going to help me? What do I need to do to access that help?

If on the other hand is, "No, I don't always have to be in control and be the strong one," then to whom to I defer that obligation? It there a specific time when deferring is acceptable? How do I do that? I know that I can not find the answer in Eve. If I turn to Eve to find my strength, it not only isn't going to work, it's going to blow up in my face hard core. It will always feel wrong and awkward and will sap what little masculine strength I do have.

I am not okay without the safety and confidence that comes from knowing I have what it takes to do all that is expected of me. When I am in a place where I feel uncertain about my capability (a place where I am almost always, even though I'm not always aware of that feeling), I am usually looking to bring some essence of masculine power into my being. It can feel so real and satisfying to try to complete myself through an intimate relationship with another man--one who is capable, powerful strong, so much so that he has time, energy and love for me. That He wants to be in that relationship with me. That he not only has the capability to compensate for my weaknesses, shortcomings, and failings, he actually wants to.

So when I was writing down those thoughts, I realized 2 things.

1) It isn't terribly likely that I am going to find a man like that. I'm not saying it is impossible. It's just that even if there is a man out there who is like that, the chances that he would go for me. . . . . pretty slim. Plus, I have a pretty damn firm testimony that that isn't going to work out like I want. I know that God's plan is for man to have a family and doesn't include romantic or sexual relationships with other men.

2) There is a Man who fits the bill perfectly. Even better, not only does an intimate relationship work in the Plan, it is the Plan.

So, I came to the conclusion that there have to be times when I can relax. When I have to be okay with the fact that I am not going to live up to every expectation. But rather than turning to another mortal man to make up for those shortcomings, I have to trust in God and my Savior. I have to turn my stress and fear over to them. I have to learn to be more understanding and forgiving of myself. I have to learn to feel His love and support; his acceptance and encouragement.

At the same time, I have to trust in His ability to transform me--over the long haul; in time; eventually--into just that sort of man. One who is perfectly capable of doing everything, having no stress about it, and still having the time, energy and love to care for others. As I learn to connect with and develop the King and Warrior that is with in me, that is part of my divine nature, I will feel more comfortable being the man I am meant to be. Until then, I have to let Him be the Man.

So my tasks from here:

1) Figure out how to transform my desires for that relationship being a sexual one with a mortal man into that of an older brother and Savior with Jesus Christ.

2) Find out how to feel of his love and support in those times when I don't have the energy to be everything, and feel his confidence and encouragement when I just don't feel like I do.

3) Learn how to access my Warrior.

4) Learn how to connect with my King.

5) Find out what this struggle is trying to tell me about my self. Eldredge claims that the Adversary has strategically placed our woulds in the place where he can best maximize the damage, where he is most likely to be able to thwart our true purpose and calling. What does that say about my purpose and calling?

Committee for Idaho Firesides

2009-11-18T15:59:00.000-08:00

I've posted this elsewhere, but thought I'd try it here as well.

About a year ago, I felt a need to be a part of a support group. Unfortunately there were no support groups in Idaho. So, the prompting came to take the initiative and organize a support group here in Southeast Idaho. Over the past year we have had a number of individuals join the group. I hope it has been helpful to them, as I believe it has.

Over the past couple of months I have felt a similar prompting to organize a fireside similar to what has been done in Lehi and in Logan. Also, I have felt that many individuals, including priesthood leaders, here in Idaho would benefit from the type of information and support available at the annual Evergreen Conference in Salt Lake City. However, distance and cost are definitely a significant obstacle to many. Evergreen has suggested a mini conference for those who live some distance from SLC.

I am determined to follow through with this prompting. At the same time I freely recognize my own limitations of wisdom, creativity, and time among many other shortcomings. I don't know a great many things about this endeavor, such as where or how often we ought to put on firesides, if the mini-conference would be in conjunction with a fireside, an independent event, or a sort of kick-off to the firesides, I really don't know what the mini-conference would look like or what it would include. And that's just a sampling of what I don't know. In light of that acknowledgment, I am hoping to recruit individuals who would be willing to assist in planning and putting on something like this.

I'm pretty sure that my stake president would be willing to allow us to use our stake center and I have contacts with LDS Family Services here in Idaho Falls who would likely help us get the word out to Church Leaders. But before I go any farther with the planning, I would really love to organize a committee to get this project underway. If you, or anyone you know, might be interested in serving on the committee or helping in any way, please email me at kllindley@gmail.com. I am also extremely open to suggestions, questions, or comments of any kind.

Thanks!

Kevin Lindley

My "Best Friend" and Realistic Male Friendships

2009-10-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

I posted a lot of this in response to another post on one of the North Star discussion groups.
I have thought a lot about this in my life and felt like I should post this here as well.

A while back I was consumed with a desire to find a "Best friend." Some other guy who I could do everything with. Some guy who understood me completely and who I would always call to talk with or go hang out with. I never found that someone. That sort of relationship has eluded me. I used to be very discouraged that I didn't have a "Best Friend."

I think that I've come to the conclusion that it really isn't a realistic or even desirable thing. I will admit that marriage can be a relationship where you're the most important person to your spouse, a "Best Friend" relationship, but the relationship I have with my wife doesn't fill that desire completely. She is the most important person in the world to me and I know that I am to her. I also feel completely safe with her. I know that she'll never leave me or try to hurt me. She really is my best friend.

Still, there has been a similar desire to find that sort of a relationship with a guy as well. I know for sure that no man is supposed to be completely consumed in his relationship with his wife to the point where he doesn't need other male friends--deeply fulfilling, intimate friendships. A man who believes that is going to find that he is never quite happy. However, I've come to the conclusion that the more I think about finding a deep and permanent soul mate in another guy, the more disappointed I am going to be. I don't think that is how God created us to relate to other men.

Over time, I've been able to change the way I think about my relationships with other men. I've come to find that more important than being someone else's best friend, is being a true friend to someone else. The more honest and authentic I am with other men and the more open and vulnerable I am with them, the more they reciprocate. Even more, when I am completely authentic, I feel a deep connection with other men, that truly nourishes my soul. I have friends that I only see a few times a year, if that. Still when I interact with those friends I feel as loved and accepted as I can imagine. I don't necessarily feel that way about guys in my elder's quorum who I see every week, because I am not as open and authentic with them.

I know for sure that it is possible to develop friendships that are deep and meaningful enough to fill the void we feel. It can take a some time, but most of all it takes trust and risk to be completely authentic and real. The best way to go about filling that void is to find as many sources of love as possible. When I was trying to get everything I needed from a single source (even my wife!) I would end up draining the relationship and still feeling empty. But by getting my quota of love from a lot of different relationships, I am not only filled with joy, but those relationships can go on forever without wearing out. And the longer they go, the deeper and more fulfilling they get. I can't wait for eternity with my wife and my beloved brothers!

Marriage, Dating, and SSA Men

2009-10-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking about the topic of marriage as it relates to men with
SSA for a while now. I tend to feel a surge of emotion when I've heard so
many men express the idea that they are sure that they won't be married in
this life. I fear that will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy that isn't
necessarily meant to be true.

The key culprit in this issue is the idea that "I don't date girls because
I'm not attracted to them." Let me explain a bit more. Guys who I hear say
this usually have a follow-up explanation that basically says: "If at some
point, by some miracle, I develop attractions for women I'm totally open to
the idea of getting married, but since I don't feel any attraction to them,
it isn't fair for me to date them, and frankly, I don't have any desire to."

I strongly believe that this attitude is motivated by the enemy of our
souls. He would like nothing more than for us to put off courting and
dating until we are "attracted to women." This is because he knows that if
we do, the attractions to women will most likely never come.

I'm a firm believer that one of the most effective way to develop sexual
attractions to women is to develop a deep emotional bond with that woman.
One of the most effective ways to develop a deep emotional bond with a woman
is to spend time with and to serve that woman. Dating provides an excellent
opportunity to spend time with and to serve a woman.

I wonder if the Church-School Culture isn't at least partly to blame here.
Dating is not about going on a date with a woman who you can imagine
yourself marrying. I think dating is more about the process of getting to
know someone and figuring out if there is any possibility that you might be
able to find joy in a marriage with that someone. That process not only
takes time, it requires actually going through the process.

I kind of got sucked into dating my wife. We were totally not dating for
the first 2 months we were hanging out. She started it all. She asked me
to go walking with her one night, because no one else would go with her. I
had barely met her three nights before at our Singles' Branch Family Home
Evening. I felt bad for her needing to get out and walk, but not feeling
safe that late at night. I grudgingly left my interesting and extremely
isolated evening routine to go walk with this girl from the branch. I found
out I kinda enjoyed spending time with her and talking to her. So when she
said she wanted to get together again, I just blurted out that there was a
Multi-Stake dance that weekend. For the next couple of months we spent a
lot of time together. Then one night we were in my parent's basement
watching a movie. She told me about her week (one in which she had spent
some time with some other guys). I started to experience this
uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when she told me that she was
considering dating one of them. I liked spending time with her and, after
all, she was my only friend. It's not like I wanted to marry her or even
kiss her. I just wanted to have to to myself so I could spend time with
her.

For the next 2 months, I thought up every way I could possibly come up with
to break up with her without breaking her heart. I made numerous plans just
to break it off, only to lose my nerve when the moment came. Finally, I
settled on what seemed like a fool-proof strategy. I committed to an
Internship 14 hours away. I would move away and the distance would simply
be too much for the relationship. She wouldn't take it personally and I
would avoid having to tell her that I wasn't interested in marrying her.
Everything was going perfectly, until the night that I realized I loved
her. I was totally unprepared for that 2x4 to the head. I mean I knew I
really like her and cared about her and enjoyed spending time with her. But
that wasn't love. There sure as hell wasn't any sexual attraction. At
least that's what I had been telling myself. After that, I was really
confused. I loved her but I wasn't sexually attracted to her. I couldn't
picture having sex with her. I had no idea what to do.

However, once I realized that I loved her, the craziest things started
happening. My body started having physiological responses. When we cuddled
or kissed, my pulse quickened and I started breathing funny. Blood started
flowing to new places. Over time, I found myself thinking about her in ways
that I'd not previously thought about her, and much to my dismay, I wasn't
repulsed at the thought.

Before I knew it I had asked her to marry me and move to Nebraska with me
while I did my internship. There's a lot of other crap that came from me
being stupid and not addressing my SSA before my marriage. I was dumb and
naive enough to think that once I had an appropriate outlet for my sexual
energy, the SSA would just fade away. Oh, boy was I ever wrong! Things got
a lot worse before they got better. However, I know that the process of my
falling in love with my wife was real.

I know a couple of friends who say that the process of sexual/emotional
attraction tends to happen backwards for men with SSA. I agree with this.
For a large number of straight men, the reason they date a woman in the
first place is because they think she's hot and they want to find out if
there is any way they can get along with her emotionally. So the sexual
attraction comes first and then as they spend time with her, an emotional
attraction develops. We don't get the same hormonal jump start to dating.
We spend time with her, develop that emotional attractions and then
eventually develop a sexual attraction. But the dating part is still
essential to developing the necessary emotional attraction.

I know this has been incredibly long and maybe it's too much, but the bottom
line is that if SSA men have any interest in someday getting married, they've gotta
date now regardless of the level of sexual attraction that they currently feel
toward women.

A Call to Arms

2009-10-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

I heard this song yesterday and immediately thought of my last post. It's like the perfect soundtrack.

"I Had a Dream" and now I have one

2009-10-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

So, lately I've been pondering the direction my life should go. Not in a way that would allow for any major changes. My chosen career path is pretty well set in stone. It has been confirmed too many times to change now. Getting through the rest of my schooling is one of my top priorities. But a couple of weeks ago, I lost my job. I had been planning on staying with that job for at least another three years. I found a temporary job, but it really wasn't working out, so I resigned yesterday. I have a bunch of applications in and I'm very optimistic about the probability of finding a job. Still, such a major shake to my world has caused a me to think quite a bit about what the Lord wants from me.

Also this last week, we've added two new members to our support group. That feels really good. I love knowing that something I've done actually benefits another person. But at the same time I'm discouraged when I think about all those individuals who are still struggling in quiet desperation; when I think of the parents and friends who don't know what to do when their son or daughter tells them that he or she is gay; when I think of the church leaders who don't know how to help members who come to them with issues of same-sex attraction.

I want to yell with the voice of an angel to tell everyone how it is. I want be able to reach every ear and penetrate every heart with the sword of the spirit. At the same time, I tell myself that I'm a nobody. I'm not a psychologist yet. I'm not in any position of authority in the church. I'm not even perfect. How can I make much difference? There are so many deeply entrenched beliefs about same-sex attraction that simply are not true and those beliefs are wide-spread. What can I possibly do to change anything?

Last night I had an interesting dream. I was waiting outside of a building for a group of men to come out of a meeting. It was the committee in charge of the LDS Family Services response to same-sex attraction. As the committee came out, I saw a number of men who are very prominent in the LDS Same-sex attraction community. Most of them have not experienced the effects of same-sex attraction in their lives. Most of them are still influenced by thoughts and ideas that are, quite frankly, ridiculous and out-dated. Yet these men were the ones deciding how the members of the church were going to respond to same-sex attraction. I remember expressing the thought "But you don't understand the issue!"

Their reply was immediate, "How dare you question us? We are the one's the Lord has chosen to make these decisions."

I woke up shorty after that. The response I didn't get the chance to say was still burnign in my mind and heart. "No, you're just all He has to work with right now."

Then I got an email from a friend and role-model of mine. He quoted President Monson as saying:

"In professional business, scientific work, and technological life, there is a rule which can be a very good one for ambitious young persons. The rule is this: Find a vacuum and expand into it. Ask yourself, 'What is there that needs doing and is not being done?' Then assess you capacity for doing things, and let it be your ambition to do the work that you can do best, in an area where it’s needed most, and then put all of your mind to it."

This quote really struck me with power.

It seems to me that the Lord is calling each one of us to step up and do what needs to be done. He doesn't want us to expect others to do it and then criticize their perceived lack of action while we wait lazily on the sidelines. It is up to each of us to many things of our own free will and bring to pass much good.

This understanding me has given me the power and motivation to undertake tasks that once seemed daunting. The Lord wants me to expand into the void that currently exists regarding education about same-sex attraction. He wants me to grow and stretch.

I only hope that I am not the only one attempting to fill this massive void, though even if I am, I know that I can anything the Lord desires as long as I have His help.

Amazing New Book

2009-09-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

So, I just had the opportunity to read a book. I have had great intentions of writing a really neat, professional review to post all over the place, but with school and the whole mess with work (more on that later), I'm going to have to postpone that until future notice.

No Going Back by Jonathan Langford is an amazing book. It is the story of a teenage boy who learns to come to terms with his membership in the Church and his same-sex attractions. It is written with an exceptional understanding of the challenges of being both gay and Mormon. The author is sensitive to a wide variety of feelings and opinions. Through his writing, the author challenges each one of us to re-examine our own beliefs closely while at the same time developing understanding and tolerance for others' beliefs. This novel is a very uplifting story about the struggle between desires and faith. It is about the strength of the human spirit and the power of true friendships.

I am very happy I read this book and wish everyone I know would read it. For members of The LDS Church who might be cautious of the subject matter, I would say that this is a doctrinally sound book; it remains in harmony with the teachings of Christ. To people who do not belong to the LDS faith, this book is not an attack on gays in any way. It is neither homophobic nor bigoted. It is simply a story about a boy who realizes that he has the ability to decide what he wants to do with his life.

I highly recommend that everyone reading my blog buy and read this book! It is available from Amazon here: No Going Back.

Here are some other reviews of the book and the blurb from the back cover:

A gay teenage Mormon growing up in western Oregon in 2003. His straight best friend. Their parents. A typical LDS ward, a high-school club about tolerance for gays, and a proposed anti-gay-marriage amendment to the state constitution. In NO GOING BACK, these elements combine in a coming-of-age story about faithfulness and friendship, temptation and redemption, tough choices and conflicting loyalties.

“No Going Back is not just for anyone with same sex attraction. It is a must for leaders who work with those struggling with these choices, as well as for family and friends as they love, reject, support, or fail to understand what such a struggle costs.” — Linda Hunter Adams, former director of the BYU Humanities Publications Center, past president of the Association for Mormon Letters

“Jonathan Langford’s No Going Back is a heartfelt, heart breaking, and ultimately enriching tale of what it means to be a fifteen year old Mormon boy who truly wants only to do what is right, but is faced with the terrifying fact that he is gay. The main character’s troubling journey is honest and sheds light on one of the most difficult dilemmas facing hundreds, if not thousands, of young Mormons who just want it to go away. Langford writes honestly without becoming bogged down in the politics surrounding this issue.” — Gerald Argetsinger, Associate Professor of Performing Arts, Rochester Institute of Technology; former Artistic Director of the LDS Church’s Hill Cumorah Pageant

“As I began reading, I found myself engaged with the characters and sharing their hopes and fears.... To me this was an important work, exploring the territory of coming-of-age in the challenging context of same-sex attraction in a young man whose honest faith forbids acting out the behaviors associated with the attraction. The characterizations of the bishop, the best friend, the parent and the population of the school and church communities were credible and empathetic. As I read it, I often thought that this book should be required reading for bishops and others who are called upon to help youth navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence and faith.” — Evan A. Ballard, former bishop, father of seven

“People are my area of interest. All people. For years, same sex attraction has been an area that I have tried to understand so that I can be compassionate or helpful to those that struggle.... I found the book to be a page turner and for me that says a lot. There were times that I wanted to take it with me as I rode in the car so that I could continue reading. I was anxious for the day to end so that I could pick it up again. The characters in the book felt very real to me.” — Connie Bankston, mother of five, long-time stake specialist working with LDS Family Services

“The story opens a window into the often silent and lonely world of a young man who is coming to understand his same-sex attraction while he experiences the ignorance and cruelty of an intolerant society. Paul’s experiences with his family, his best friend, his church leaders, and his peer group tell not just the story of a gay young man coming of age, but a very human story that any person who has struggled to find himself will relate to. What makes this story most gripping for me is the intersection of Paul’s strong religious beliefs, his desire to be happy with himself, and his loyalty to those he loves most. Paul’s personal struggle also sends shock-waves through the lives of those closest to him, as they dig deep within themselves to find what matters most.” — Brian Burns, professional counselor, former Scoutmaster

“For perhaps 72 hours after reading No Going Back, it was almost the only thing I thought about. You have touched very sensitively, compassionately, and thoughtfully on a very important topic about which Mormons are almost completely silent.... I see this book as an essential first step in opening a viable dialogue about a struggle that is very real for many members of the church. In truth, I believe this book will save someone’s life.” — Clark Draney, Associate Professor of English, College of Southern Idaho

“Two main aspects of my life coincide with themes in your novel. I was a Scoutmaster with the Boy Scouts of America in my local ward for about ten years, and I also struggle with the dilemma of being a believing and faithful Latter-day Saint who struggles with same-sex attraction. For me, your novel was a home run exploring these issues. You captured many of the things I have personally felt as I have navigated those waters.

“The tensions abound in your novel, between faithfulness to the Church, Scouting, family issues, single parenthood, too-busy bishops, neglected bishops’ wives, and being part of the gay world but not welcome in it. These tensions are all well-portrayed and thought out. This will be a novel that many thoughtful Latter-day Saints will want to read. It is simple, but far-reaching in its ability to make people think and consider their own feelings, without being preachy or trying to advance a point of view. As much as I’ve thought about these very issues from a personal standpoint, you still gave me plenty more to think about.” — Rex Goode, AML-List member, trained social worker, webmaster for the Latter-Day Sexual Recovery website

“I was drawn into the story and wanted to see what happened. Having read the book, and from my own personal experience, I am convinced that it told the story the way I would see it in many cases in real life.... The book seems faithful to LDS church standards and positions as I understand them. My understanding of the topic is better. I understand more of the problems people face in dealing with it. I feel as if I know the characters in the story and would recognize them if I was introduced to them.” — Larry Jackson, AML-List member, father of eleven

“I love the way it brings to life through narrative what I imagine will be the struggle of many youth growing up in today’s evolving culture around gay issues. Parents, friends, priesthood leaders, and peers are all a critical part of how we negotiate our sense of self-identity and life choices, and this story is masterful in how it brings to life all the tensions associated with that process. A couple of times, I even found myself forgetting this was fiction and wanting to get in contact with the main character to assure him he’s not alone. Each of the characters, with their different personalities and roles in the narrative — Barbara, Sandy, Richard, Chad, Paul, the kids at church and the kids at school — offers something quite meaningful to the story.” — Ty Mansfield, coauthor of In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction, published in 2004 by Deseret Book

“I thought a more literary, more postmodern treatment was necessary. I was wrong. By telling the story simply, tying it to a particular time and place, and focusing on the teenage protagonists, Langford is able to confine the discussion of this issue to a manageable narrative — and a compelling one. The approach Langford takes is genius. I love the way he threads the middle of American Mormon mores, doctrine, and practice in a way that is in some senses mundane — this is basically a domestic drama — but also incredibly radical.

“These teenagers act like teenagers, even though they are basically good kids.... Any discussion of same-sex attraction makes a lot of Mormons uncomfortable. But the novel is thoroughly orthodox. Its characters are orthodox Mormons. Its tensions and ultimate solutions and resolutions are firmly rooted in active LDS life — prayer, scripture study, repentance, the priesthood, love, charity, hope, the family.” — William Morris, founder of the Mormon arts and culture blog A Motley Vision

“I knew that a story about a Mormon teen who has recently discovered homosexual tendencies in himself was not going to have an easy or tidy resolution. However, I found the manuscript easy to read because the characters were all appealing. I liked them and wanted to see how they would interact and deal with the situations they were facing. The ending was as positive as I could imagine. I cannot attest to the reality of the experiences, since I have never been a teenaged boy myself, of any orientation (gay, straight, east-west), but the characters felt real to me. I periodically had to remind myself that this wasn’t a problem I was expected to help with, since the characters were only fictional.” — Laura F. Nielsen, children’s author, mother of five

“Abiding by Mormonism’s high standards challenges all its faithful adherents. Coping with one’s besieged status as a young gay is no less difficult. What if you are both at the same time? Like no other work I know, Langford’s frank and poignant novel brings this real-life impasse into bold relief.” — Thomas F. Rogers, BYU Russian Professor Emeritus; Mormon playwright and essayist, author of Heubener, Fire in the Bones, and A Call to Russia: Glimpses of Missionary Life

“I was surprised with how nuanced and rounded your handling of the issue was. As a faithful but not quite mainstream-thinking Mormon, I appreciated that the work affirmed gospel principles, but didn’t treat the church as a whitewashing panacea for obstacles. I felt that you did a good job of representing and honoring the level of difficulty, sacrifice, and commitment that (I’ve always imagined) staying in the church would require of a homosexual person.” — Heidi Tighe, AML-List member

“It’s high time we came to terms with same-sex issues, the more so where we are most reluctant to do so. I welcome both this broaching of the issue from a Latter-day Saint perspective and its frankly positive dealing with an issue this touchy. I suspect much of the appeal of the narrative for others — as for me — will lie in its ‘this is part of life’ naturalness, in the good-natured refusal (like the bishop character) to be prissy or unrealistic about gay realities.

“Jonathan Langford’s first novel is engaging stuff. The narrative opens into some of our deepest concerns, and the prose makes us glad to be there.” — Steven C. Walker, BYU English Professor

GO READ IT!

Family

2009-09-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

So I found out a couple of months ago that a lot of my extended family found my blog. I'm not 100% sure who or how, but thanks to Google Analytics and a reliable source, I know many did.

I'm totally okay with that. I have nothing to hide as far as my sexuality is concerned. I didn't choose my attractions, but I am choosing the way I live my life. I am comfortable with that choice and am confident that the Lord is pleased with it as well. I don't make a big deal of my attractions with everyone, but I'm not going to hide them.

What does bother me, is that no one from the family (other than my source)has said anything to me about it. This puts me in a really awkward position. I don't feel like I can contact any of them or visit any of them until I get some kind of reaction. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen. I can't. I would always be wondering if this person or that person knew and what they would think of me. I want to be able to be completely authentic with my family, but I don't think I could. I know that sounds a lot like I'm concerned about what other people think of me and I don't think that's the case. I just want to know how open I can be in whose company without making them uncomfortable or getting the wrong impression about me.

I don't know, maybe this is just silly. I worry way too much. I know that. I have so many problems! For instance, at school the other day I checked out 3 FEMALES! It was crazy. "And life just keeps on running!"

Obedience

2009-08-18T05:19:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about obedience lately.

My thoughts on obedience at this point are that it is at the same time the first Law of Heaven and a response rather than an independent action. It seems that when we really have a perfect knowledge of the origin of commandments being God and a perfect trust in Heavenly Father's love for us to the point of knowing that He only asks us to do those things which will benefit us, we naturally and instinctively obey those commandments perfectly. It is not hard for us. Without a perfect knowledge of either the source of a command or the subsequent knowledge of His love and an assurance of His motivation, obedience can become a challenge. In fact, when obedience is relatively easy in the absence of those two things, I'm not sure it can truly be called obedience.

There is a caveat. Faith is knowing. It is not a perfect knowledge, but it is a certain level of knowledge that can motivate us to a corresponding level of obedience.

We can only truly act according to our knowledge. This is why Adam's “obedience” in the Garden of Eden was not what the Lord was after. Adam was perfectly obedient, but the Lord was not satisfied. Why? Because Adam did not have a knowledge of good and evil. He was as a child who obeyed only because he was told to and knew nothing else. That wasn't enough for God. Perhaps the symbolism of the obedience of a child, like any symbolism, can be taken too far. I think that the Lord wants us to obey for the some of the reasons a child obeys but not others. He wants us to obey because we trust Him, love Him, and want to be more like Him. I'm not convinced that our Father is pleased when we obey because we are afraid of punishment, because we want Him to like us, or because we simply don't know better.

It seems that obedience, then is not prerequisite to righteousness or knowledge rather an indicator of these things. A person who is not obedient does not have a problem with obedience. He has a problem with knowledge. He has a problem with faith. I think this is why God is so pleased when we are obedient. It is a sign that we are coming to know Him. It seems that if this were not so, everyone could reasonably be expected to live perfectly. Just be obedient, right? But we aren't. That obedience comes line by line, precept by precept, just as knowledge also comes.

It's interesting though, that while obedience is the natural result of knowledge, it is also the way by which we gain knowledge. At first this seemed very contradictory to me. But in that sentence, the references to the word 'knowledge' refer to two different things. Think about a set of stairs. One level of knowledge leads us to an act of obedience that elevates us, bringing us new knowledge which leads us to another act of obedience. The process is gradual and, as far as I can tell, not one we will finish any time soon.

But where does the process start? It seems that if knowledge is a prerequisite for true obedience, we have to start with some knowledge. I believe that this is the responsibility of the Light of Christ. Without it, we would all be lost, without the needed tools to help us find our way. However, with the Light of Christ helping us discern the most basic truths, such as the existence of a God, or the importance of family, we have a foundation on which we can begin the smallest steps of obedience. When obedience comes from knowledge, from faith, it will lead to more knowledge, leading to greater obedience.

So, if I have trouble living obedient to a certain commandment, say not watching R-rated movies, I have to remember that the root issue is not obedience. I'm not just weak or uncommitted to the gospel, and I don't just need more willpower. I don't have to be hard on myself. What I need is more faith in the commandment. I need more knowledge about that commandment. I don't mean that I always need to understand the “why” of every commandment I keep. But I do need to have an assurance that it is what Heavenly Father wants me to do. This probably requires prayer. It definitely requires an open heart, a willingness to obey whatever commandment the Spirit delivers. In short, the prayer must be made with real intent. A spiritual confirmation, or testimony, will go a long way toward helping me be obedient, but it usually isn't enough.

We receive that knowledge, that faith, through obedience to the commandments that form the staircase up to the commandment we are currently working to master. I believe that is why new converts aren't immediately asked to live the Law of Consecration. In the same way, if I am having trouble keeping a commandment, I'm probably not doing some of the smaller things that would lead me to the knowledge I need to keep that commandment. So instead of getting frustrated with my weakness, I could look at my life to see if there is some other commandment that I might obey more fully in order to gain the faith necessary to obey.

I'm still working on this. I'd love input whether you agree or disagree.

(Disclaimer: I firmly believe that addictions do have the power to take away our agency and are not usually overcome by “spiritual” solutions alone. However, truly gaining the faith/knowledge of the power of the Savior's atonement and of the goodness in God's command will help immensely in the battle.)

Ponderings on CS Lewis

2009-07-14T07:32:00.000-07:00

I love how Gmail frequently shows random quotes above the inbox. Most of the time, they are funny or odd quotes. But occasionally, they are really insightful and thought provoking. A while back I read this quote from C.S. Lewis. It has been on my mind a lot since then.

He said: "We are what we believe we are."

I've thought a lot about how I think of myself. I know that sounds confusing. It's not half as confusing written out as it is in my head! Anyway, I know that as far as SSA was concerned I used to think of myself as a normal guy (I know, I was really confused). I chalked up all the feelings and thoughts I had about other men to natural teenage horniness. After I got married and those thoughts and attractions didn't go away, I started to change the way I thought of myself. I began to believe that maybe I was just gay. The more I started to believe that about myself the less and less happy I became. I was more and more convinced that I couldn't be happy living the gospel. And sure enough, I was miserable trying. It wasn't untill I met other married men with SSA, that I started to consider maybe I wasn't gay. I started to think of myself as a faithful SSA Latter-day Saint. Althought this was a whole hell of a lot better than believing I was gay, it wasn't perfect. Becasue of the way I viewed myself, my SSA was an integral part of my slef-image. Without SSA, I wouldn't be anyone. I'd go back to being the inconsequential nobody I was before I got married. But with SSA, I had a reason for people to pity me. I had great friends who shared my struggles with SSA. If it werent' for my SSA I'd never have met them and they surely wouldn't like me.

Over time that view changed. I realized that my SSA did not define me any more than my hieght of 6'4" defined who I really was. I wasn't a man who was attracted to other men and also happened to be LDS and married. I was a Son of God. I am valuable for my own personal gifts and personality. I have divine attributes that make me a unique. I am a good and loving husband. I happen to be attracted to guys, but that really doesn't mean that much. I've made covenants to the Lord and my wife.

Changing the way that I thought about myself allowed me to focus on things I really enjoy. My life opened up in ways that I had never imagined. Instead of focusing on all the things that were wrong with my life, I was able to make my life better.

My Favorite Movie Quote

2009-06-28T11:42:00.003-07:00

Oh, this is hard. I have a ton of "favorite" movie quotes. Maybe that reflects on my own inability to come up with good stuff myself. I don't know.

One of my all time favorites comes from the John Wayne movie Big Jake. Towards the end, in the face-off with the men who kidnapped his grandson he repeats the phrase: "Now you understand: anything happens, anything at all, your fault, my fault, nobody's fault, it don't matter, and I'm going to blow your head off, simple as that." The reason I love that quote so much has nothing to do with the movie. One of my favorite insights into the healing power of the atonement relates to a modification of that quote as repeated by the Savior. "Now you understand this: anything happens, anything at all, your fault, my fault, nobody's fault, it don't matter and I will fix it through the atonement if you come unto me, simple as that."

As I'm thinking, a lot of my favorite movie quotes come from John Wayne movies. Also from Big Jake, in response to people saying that they thought he was dead: "Not hardly!" From the old rancher in Rio Lobo: "Aren't ya glad you brung me along?" From True Grit: "Mister Rat, I have a writ here that says you are to vacate the premises and I'm serving you."

I love the Karate Kid trilogy. From Karate Kid III, after Mister Miaggi has thumped all three bad guys he mocks Mr. Silvers with "Waaa, waaa, waaaa." It's a less usable quote, but "funny as hell!"

Which brings me to the person I quote most often. Jeff Dunham. (to which I would always add: "Jefafa Dunn HAM dot com!" Peanut is true to his quote "funny as hell!" But my all time favorite Jeff Dunham character is Achmed. From "I have so many problems" to "No, there's more" to "what the hell is poliosis?" and "Hey, I could have Clay Aiken!" He's hilarious. It's so funny that I think of each character as being funnier or less funny than Jeff Dunham himself. It's like his own line where he tells two of his puppets to stop talking in Spanish because "I don't speak Spanish." To which his puppets just stare at him. Anyone reading this and not familiar with Jeff Dunham should definitely YouTube him for more.

My First Kiss

2009-06-28T11:42:00.001-07:00

So, My first kiss was with my wife. A long time before we were married. Although I had a couple of mission companions who were determined not to kiss a girl until they were across the altar from their wife. I think that is just plain silly.

Anyway, my wife and I were sitting on my parents' couch watching Elder Eyring's CES fireside. We'd been dating for a couple of weeks. I had my arm around her and I just had this urge to reach down and kiss her. So I did. It was a little more than a peck, but not much. I really can't remember the first time we really kissed. My wife and I did kiss quite a bit before we were married and I never really believed that French Kissing is a sin before marriage. A couple needs to be careful so they don't go further than they should.

Anyway, my wife thinks it's hilarious that she was the first person I kissed. It makes more sense now that she knows about my SSA. I think it's kinda cool.

Speech

2009-04-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

After posting my evaluation, I thought I'd post another pretty big assignment in my life. Last semester I took a public speaking class. For my final speech I decided to talk about homosexuality. I took a slightly different approach. My goal was to simply increase communication about same-sex attractions and clarify that while people don't choose their attractions, they should be free to pursue happiness in whatever way they see fit.

I was so nervous, because I started my speech by reliving a night last January when I was holding a knife in my hand contemplating suicide. Then I was going to out myself to the whole class. Adrenaline was definitely pumping. It was so awesome. One girl had a look of complete disgust on her face from the moment I pulled out the knife. Other than her, everyone was so supportive and totally cool about it. There was this one guy who I had worked really hard to develop a friendship with over the semester. I was worried about how my disclosure would affect our relationship. It strengthened it. He came up to me and told me that he has a bunch of friends from high school who are gay. We've even done stuff together this semester. It's really cool.

The best part, though, was the way my teacher responded. We talked after class for half an hour. She isn't a member, but she is an active Christian. She thanked me like a dozen times for helping her understand. She asked a bunch of questions and we talked about the gospel and the atonement quite a bit. It was such an amazing feeling. Then she asked if I had any other groups of such that I could give my speech to. I told her not really. So she said that I ought to come into the speech lab and record my speech as an example speech for future students. I thought that was totally awesome. So I did.

So, coming out to people is such a rush. I love doing it. It feels so good to try to help others understand this challenge.

So the formatting in blogger sucks. Good luck with my outline.

Topic: Homosexuality
General Purpose: To persuade
Specific Purpose: My purpose is to persuade my audience to speak up to those within their sphere of influence, especially youth, about homosexuality.
Thesis: My audience should speak out about homosexuality because ignorance about the issue has serious consequences and this solution is simple, yet effective.

Attention Step

I. (Attention Getter) "I'd like to take you to a kitchen table in a small apartment."
A. I was ready to end my life.
1. Then, I realized that I needed to make my death look like an accident.
2. About this time my wife walked out of the bedroom, and after overcoming her initial shock and panic at the sight of this knife in my hand, she made sure I got the help I needed.
B. Stuart Matis wasn't as lucky.
1. On February 25, 2000 in Santa Clara California, Stuart put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. (Mansfield, 2004)
2. Every year, as many as 800,000 youth ages 15-24 attempt suicide; 250,000 of those share one common trait---they are attracted to members of their own gender.(CDC, 2008; CDC, 2005)
C. There are a number of word that evoke meaning and emotion.
II. (Topic Justification) Homosexuality is one of the most controversial social issues of our time.
A. Those who speak loudest about the controversy come from the furthest extremes of the issue.
B. These voices continue to polarize the population, leaving the middle ground unspoken.
III. (Credibility Statement) My name is Kevin Lindley.
A. I am happily married and active in my Church.
B. And I am a 5 on Kinsey's Scale if Sexual Orientation.
IV. (Preview Statement) I am going to explain how ignorance about sexual orientation has contributed to the controversy surrounding this issue, then, I will propose a simple, yet effective solution to the problem, and show why this solution is so important.

Transition: First I want to talk about the problem of misinformation regarding homosexuality.

Problem Step

I. (Statement of the Problem) Before we decide if there is a problem with the information currently available to our youth, we should ask, what is the truth about homosexuality?
A. The exact reasons why some people experience homosexual, or same-sex attractions are unknown.
1. (Evidence-Authority) Many scientist believe that genetic nature and the environment play complex roles in influencing an individual's sexual attractions. (APA, 2008)
2. One thing is certain, most individuals experience no choice in the development of sexual attractions. (APA, 2008)
B. Individuals who experience homosexual attractions should have the freedom to pursue happiness in whatever way they choose.
1. Contrary to what many pro-gay activists proclaim, there is scientific research to prove that many individuals can reduce their same-sex attractions and find happiness "living the straight life." (Spitzer, 2003)
2. However, many individuals with homosexual attractions choose to seek same-sex relationships.
a. These individuals can find happiness as well.
b. Regardless of the majority's beliefs, no minority should be denied the opportunity to seek happiness.
C. The problem is that vocal activists on either side would have the public see only black or white.
1. Religious extremists would have those with same-sex attractions feel that they are "sinners;" they claim that the only option is to try to change their sexual orientation.
2. Meanwhile, pro-gay activists reject that as religious bigotry and assert that the only option for such individuals is to embrace their homosexuality and pursue same-sex relationships.
3. The truth lies somewhere in between.
4. Individuals who experience same-sex attractions do so at no fault of their own, and so they can't be held responsible.
5. All individuals should be free to pursue happiness in the way that seems best to them.
II. (Extent and Seriousness of the Problem) So What? This lack of balanced information has serious consequences.
A. A very large number of people experience homosexual attractions.
1. While 4.1% of Americans identify as gay or bisexual, as many as 15% experience some degree of same-sex attraction. (Gate, 2006; CDC, 2005: Fergusson, 2005)
2. That is 32 million individuals, or 20 times the entire population of Idaho.
3. That equals roughly 1 in 20 who are gay, but 3 in 20 who experience homosexual attraction.
4. 30% of Gay and Lesbians report having attempted suicide at least once. (Remfardi, 1998)
B. The US government has found that gay or lesbian teens are 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than their "straight" peers.
1. In fact, gay and lesbian teens account for as many as 30% of all teen suicides in the US. (US Dep. HHS, 1989)
2. That means that 1,600 teens will commit suicide this year because they are attracted to members of their own gender.
3. Every six hours another parent or brother or sister will find a teen dead.
C. Gay and Lesbian youth do face increased prejudice and discrimination.
1. The APA and 12 other mental health organizations produced a research based pamphlet that reported that gay and lesbian youth do experience prejudice, discrimination and even violence. (Just the Facts, 2008)
2. The APA reports that virtually 100% of Gays and Lesbians experience verbal harassment and abuse. (APA, 2008)
3. One study showed that homosexual youth are more likely to miss school due to fear, being threatened by other students, or property being damaged. (Garofalo, 1998)
4. Another study found that 78% of all teens feel gay and lesbian youth are teased or bullied too much. (NMHA, 2002)
5. Bobby Griffith did a backflip off a highway overpass into an oncoming semi truck, because he lacked suppport from family and friends. (Miller, 1992)
III. (Audience Involvement) Whether they know it or not, this audience is affected by the lack of correct knowledge about homosexuality.
A. 85% of this audience reported knowing someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
1. Remember that 1 in 3 gays, lesbians, and bisexuals attempt suicide.
2. Also, 72% of gays and lesbians report being suicidal-compared to 10% of heterosexuals.
3. (Motive Appeal-Love and affection) Many of you have someone you care about who has been suicidal because of their sexual orientation.
B. Also less than half of this class feels that gay and lesbian teens are bullied too much.
C. However, more than 75% of you would still maintain a relationship if your friend told you he or she was gay.

Transition: It is obvious that America has a problem on our hands, so what are we going to do about it?

Solution Step

I. (Evaluation of proposed alternative solution) Many people want to combat prejudice and discrimination based on sexual orientation.
A. One of the most common approaches is to try to make laws regarding homosexuality.
1. (Evidence-Analogy) As we saw with racial prejudice and discrimination laws did not change what people believe.
II. (Statement of solution) What this world needs is for people who know the truth to speak up.
III. (Explanation of solution) This is an easy and powerful approach.
A. Correct knowledge about a subject often reduces the prejudice and stereotypes surrounding it.
B. (Stylistic Device-Metaphore) By correctly educating those around us, especially the youth, we can erase the ugly shroud of intolerance and cruelty that smudges our society.
IV. (Illustrate/demonstrate effectiveness) This solution is very powerful and effective.
A. (Evidence- Authourity)The APA recommends that heterosexual people help others reconsider their attitudes toward homosexuality. (APA, 2008)
B. (Evidence- Authourity)Mary Griffith belives that correct education about homosexuality would have prevented her son's death. (Griffith, 1988)
C. (Evidence- Authourity) Talking about sexual orientation at a young age helps prevent a child from developing prejudical attitudes.
D. (Evidence- Authourity)(Motive Appeal-Compassion and Understanding) Talking about homosexual orientation also helps pass on universal values of respect and understanding to children. (Ponton, 2006)
V. (Refutation) Some may say that we shouldn't talk about homosexuality, but that is absurd.
A. I have heard that we shouldn't discuss homosexuality, because we might encourage kids to experiment.
B. Talking about homosexuality doesn't increase experimentation.
C. Evidence shows that this argument is not valid.
1. (Evidence-Analogy) Studies have shown that talking to youth about sex does not increase sexual activity.

2. (Evidence-Authority) Dr. Lynn Ponton of the National Mental Health Association believes that talking with kids about sexuality is beneficial not harmful. (Ponton, 2006)
D. I have shown that fear of experimentation is not a reasonable argument against discussing homosexuality.

Transition: Now that I've explained my solution, let's look at speaking out can affect our future.

Visualization Step

I. (Negative Visualization) If we stand by and let vocal extremists control the information our youth receive, more youth will commit suicide.
A. More parents will experience what John and Maria Melo did.
1. John Melo had to cut his son, Joshua, down from the tree Joshua used to hang himself.
2. Maria Melo also retold her experiences about her son's suicide.
3. The interesting thing is that Joshua wasn't gay; his peers just bullied him because they claimed he was.
B. As the two sides become more polarized, the argument over gay rights will become more vicious.
II. (Positive Visualization) On the other hand, if we speak out about homosexuality, our youth will grow up in safety.
A. Fewer youth will choose to end their own lives.
B. Fewer youth will feel unsafe at school, in their neighborhoods, and in their families.
C. More youth will learn compassion and empathy towards people who are different.
D. More youth will find happiness as they try to live with their own sexuality.

Transition: That is a world I want my children to grow up in; exactly how can we create this kind of world.

Action Step

I. We need to talk more about homosexuality, without taking part in extremist attitudes.
A. Our youth need to know the truth about same-sex attractions.
1. Youth need to know that sexual attractions are not chosen, that they are not bad because of who they're attracted to.
2. Youth need to know that they have the freedom to choose how they react to theri attractions.
3. Youth need to know that it is not okay to bully or tease others for any reason.
B. All individuals need to know the truth about homosexuality.
1. We can stand up to and correct those who make prejudiced comments.
2. We can and should make it clear that we don't approve of intolerance.
C. Speaking up doesnt' take a great effort on our part.
1. Simply take advantagesof opportunities to talk when they come up.
2. It does take some courage to talk about topics like sexuality.
3. However, the benefits outweigh the effort it takes.
II. (Punch Statement) We must raise our voices because one teen attempting suicide every two minutes over their sexual attractions, is one teen too many.

Audience Analysis Paragraph:

My audience consists of a population of diverse ages. A majority are bween the ages of 18 and 25. The majority are female. 85% of my audience is exclusively heterosexual. Most of my audience would be okay with a gay friend. Less than half feel that gay and lesbian teens are bullied too much. Less than half would favor adding sexual orientation to school curriculum. I don't really have to convince them that they should not be prejudiced against homosexuals. My biggest challenge is going to be to get them to overcome their fear and discomfort regarding speaking about homosexuality. I plan to help them by appealing to their compassion using gay teen suicide information

Enthymemes:

Major Premise: If something is causing death among our youth, it should be fixed.
Minor Premise: Ignorance about homosexuality is causing death among our youth.
Conclusion: Ignorance about homosexuality should be fixed.

Major Premise: If we want to change the current situation, we need to change how we act.
Minor Premise: We want to reduce the number of sexual orientation related suicided.
Conclusion: We need to change how we act.

Inductive Evidence:

I. (Evidence-Authority)Many scientist believe that genetic nature and the environment play complex roles in influencing an individual's sexual attractions.
1) Organization of Professionals. Yes, they are related to the field.
2) Yes, this organization must be free from bias
3) Yes, this authority used to believe that homosexuality was a mental illness
4) Yes, the APA maintains a very consistent point of view on homosexuality.
5) No, the APA continually bases their views on scientific research.

II. (Evidence-Statistics) 4.1% of Americans identify as gay or bisexual.
1) Yes, the American Government is reliable.
2) Yes, the statistic has been gathered within the last 3 years.
3) Yes, the CDC used a large sample size (12,571) and the sample is a nationally representative multistage area probability sample.

Stylistic Devices:

I. (Stylistic Device-Metaphore) We can erase the ugly shroud of intolerance and cruelty that smudges our society.
II. (Stylistic Device-Anaphora)Fewer youth will. . ., Fewer youth will. . ., More youth will. . ., More youth will. . .

Motive Appeals:

I. (Motive Appeal-Love and affection)Many of you have someone you care about who has been suicidal because of their sexual orientation.
II. (Motive Appeal-Compassion and understanding)Talking about homosexual orientation also helps pass on values of respect and understanding to children.

References

American Psychological Association. (2008). Answers to your questions: For a better understanding of sexual orientation and homosexuality. Washington, DC: Author. [Retrieved from www.apa.org/ topics/sorientation.pdf.]

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2005). Sexual Behavior and Selected Health Measures: Men and Women 15–44 Years of Age, United States, 2002. Washington, DC: Mosher, William D., et.al.. Retrieved from [http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/ad/ad362.pdf]

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2005). WISQARS Fatal Injuries: Mortality Reports. Washington, DC: Author. Retrieved from [http://webappa.cdc.gov/sasweb/ncipc/mortrate.html]

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2008). Suicide: Facts at a Glance. Washington, DC: Author. Retrieved from [ http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/suicide/suicide_data_sheet.pdf.]

Fergusson, David M., et. al. (2005). Sexual orientation and mental health in a birth cohort of young adults. Psychological Medicine, 35, pp 971-981

Garofalo, R.,Wolf, R. C., Kessel, S., Palfrey, J., & Du Rant, R. H. (1998). The association between health risk behaviors and sexual orientation among a school-based sample of adolescents. Pediatrics, 101, 895-902.

Gates, Gary J. (2006). Same-sex Couples and the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Population: New Estimates from the American Community Survey. Retrieved from [http://www.law.ucla.edu/
williamsinstitute/publications/SameSexCouplesandGLBpopACS.pdf

Griffith, Mary. Testimony. Los Angeles School Committee, Public Hearings. June 23, 1988.

Just the Facts Coalition. (2008). Just the facts about sexual orientation and youth: A primer
for principals, educators, and school personnel. Washington, DC: American Psychological
Association. Retrieved from [www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/justthefacts.html.]

Kevin Caruso. (2006) Remembering an Angel: Joshua Melo. Retrieved from [http://www.suicide.org/ memorials/joshua-melo.html]

Mansfield, Ty, et. al. (2004). In Quiet Desperation. Salt Lake City, UT: Author.

Miller, B. Jaye. "From Silence to Suicide: Measuring a Mother's Loss." Homophobia: How We All Pay the Price. Boston: Beacon Press, 1992. pp. 88-89.

National Mental Health Association. What does gay mean? Teen Survey. Alexandria, Va: Author. Retrieved from [http://www.nmha.org/whatdoesgaymean.]

Ponton, Lynn. (2006) What does gay mean? How to talk to kids about sexual orientation and prejudice.
Alexandria, VA: National Mental Health Association. Retrieved from [http://www.nmha.org/ whatdoesgaymean.]

Remafedi, G., Frendh, S., Story,M., Resnick,M. D., & Blum, R. (1998). The relationship between suicide risk and sexual orientation: Results of a population-based study. American Journal of Public Health, 88, 57-60.

Spitzer, Robert L. (2003) Can some gay men and lesbians change their sexual orientation? Archives of Sexual Behavior. 32. pp 403-417

U. S. Department of Health and Human Services, "Gay Male and Lesbian Youth Suicide," by Paul Gibson, Report of the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide, ed. Marcia R. Feinleib, Washington, DC, January 1989.

Evaluation

2009-04-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

So, kinda random, but I just finished am assignment for my English class. We had to evaluate two articles or essays of the same genre based on criteria we had selected ourselves. Most of the class decided to pick two stories from our book. I chose two articles written for men with SSA. Both have their strong points. One just has a lot fewer weak points.

What Works and What Doesn't: An Evaluation Based on Four Criteria

Few things shape character and personality like the difficulties people experience. Perhaps one of the greatest challenges people experience is being attracted to members of the same gender. This is especially true when those attractions conflict with a person's personal or religious convictions. While the literature available to those individuals is still limited, two essays on the subject are often recommended. David Matheson's article "Four Principles of Growth" speaks directly to men who experience unwanted same-gender attractions. "Homosexuality: What Works and What Doesn't" by Jeff Robinson is a more general work for anyone trying to understand same-sex attraction and possible solutions. Among essays written to help men trying to overcome same-gender attraction, Matheson's "Four Principles of Growth" is more helpful than Robinson's "Homosexuality: What Works and What Doesn't" when judged on readability, accuracy, applicability, and credibility.
"Four Principles of Growth" addresses four concepts that Matheson states "are intended as a guide to help [men] understand this complex process of changing [their] life" (Matheson 12). He uses the acronym M.A.N.S. for these principles. After a discussion of the problems associated with each principle, he suggests some solutions to those problems. Matheson first addresses the principle of masculinity. He says that most men who experience same-sex attraction do not feel masculine. He separates true masculinity from society's portrayal of a stereotypical expectations. Matheson then discusses the ways that authenticity, or more correctly a lack of authenticity, can contribute to the development of homosexual attractions. From authenticity Matheson moves to unmet needs. Matheson defines a need as anything an individual must have in order to experience joy. He claims that by meeting the unmet needs at the root of same-gender attractions, a person can greatly diminish the intensity of those attractions. Matheson concludes with the principle of surrender. Matheson asserts that ultimately a man has to surrender to a higher power those things which are out his control. Matheson clearly explains his belief in his conclusion by saying, "To me, 'change' means that growth toward mature masculinity and heterosexuality is resumed and completed" (12).
Robinson takes a very religious approach to overcoming same-sex attraction. His theories are deeply rooted in his religious beliefs. This is clear from the first page of his essay when he says of men who felt that they could not change their sexual orientation, "If the gospel is not true for these men, then it cannot be true for me" (Robinson 1). The first area of focus in this essay is on the characteristics that Robinson claims are common to all men who experience same-sex attraction. He lists three: sensitive, introspective, and determined to be right. Robinson then asserts that same-sex attractions are simply a learned behavior. He defends this by explaining what he states are the universal experiences shared by men with same-sex attractions and the interpretations of those experiences. Robinson concludes with his recommended method for reducing same-sex attractions. He says the way to get rid of homosexual attractions is simply to walk away from them, to stop thinking about them. In his own words, "What works is to leave it alone" (13).
Both essays read quite well. Robinson's essay is written in a narrative style. There is a good flow from one idea to the next. He begins with underlying personality traits, moves into experiences that contribute to the development of the attractions, and closes with his solution. He uses transitional words and signposts frequently. He tends to organize ideas into groups of three and clearly states the first, second, and third concepts. Matheson on the other hand organizes his article according to his acronym. He states that the principles are overlapping and no one is more important than the others. Even though he discusses one principle and then moves to the next, he still finds ways to tie the principles together. Both authors organize their ideas so that they are easy to understand.
While both essays are well organized, Robinson's essay contains many grammatical errors. It seems almost that he wrote he article on a typewriter and then didn't go back an edit it. One of many examples is when Robinson writes, "it's a pretty good bet that these men have been, had some sort of . . . experience" (Robinson 3). Errors like this abound in Robinson's essay. This makes reading his writing difficult. Matheson writes with a very different style. His tone is professional; his writing is polished. He uses a number of stylistic devices. One example of this can be found in his use of a simile: "Splitting these principles out is somewhat like shining white light through a prism" (Matheson 1).
Factual accuracy is very important when judging the helpfulness of an essay. Matheson makes every effort to talk about his principles in general terms. He resists the human tendency to make broad, sweeping generalizations. He uses phrases like, "Many men . . . " and "I have noticed that men with SSA tend . . . " (Matheson 6-9) This helps the reader feel that his experiences and feelings are being respected even when they don't match Matheson's descriptions exactly. By creating an feeling of inclusion, Matheson contributes to the overall accuracy of his paper.
Another way in which Matheson ensures that his writing will accurately describe as many individuals' situations as possible is focusing on broad ideas. He talks about concepts like masculinity and authenticity. These are very general principles that can be understood on many levels. By not making specific, inflexible applications of the principles, Matheson leaves room for each reader to apply those principles to his life in whichever way fits best. Matheson's own disclaimer explains this clearly: "You may not identify with all of these. Try to focus on the areas where you do see similarities" (Matheson 2). However, Matheson does not leave the reader completely on his own to find the similarities. He gives a variety of examples of how a principle like authenticity, or need fulfillment can be lived. Matheson writes: "Many SSA men talk about how “normal” (i.e., heterosexual) men seem to have some mysterious masculinizing quality that they lack" (Matheson 4). Here Matheson presents a specific example of how a man might feel less than masculine. However, he doesn't try to explain this "mysterious quality" in depth. Matheson's examples are still general enough that they fit a wide range of individuals.
Robinson, however, seems to enjoy making statements that he claims apply to all men who experience same-sex attractions. Time and time again he uses phrases like: "These traits are universal," "Men who are successful . . . do . . .," and "They need to get on with their life." When an author makes a statement that asserts something is always true, the accuracy of that claim is vulnerable. It only takes one exception to make the statement false. This happens frequently in Robinson's essay.
Robinson does accurately describe the personality traits and molding experiences that contribute to same-gender attraction in many men. While Robinson does not allow for exceptions to his observations, he makes an even more grievous error. Robinson's understanding of same-sex attraction comes from a number of interviews performed during his doctoral dissertation and in his private counseling practice. This means that these observations do fairly accurately represent the experiences of most men. However, Robinson then draws conclusions from these experiences that don't actually hold true. He claims that same-sex attraction is very similar to alcoholism. He says that homosexual attractions are a learned behavior (Robinson 7). This theory is proven invalid by many scientific studies. Very few men feel that this idea correctly describes their experiences.
Perhaps the discrepancies in factual accuracy can be explained by the next criterion. The credibility of each author can be measured with two different scales. The first relates to the author's qualifications to write about a particular topic. Both David Matheson and Jeff Robinson have doctoral degrees in counseling. Both are Licensed Professional Counselors. However, Robinson's expertise on the topic of homosexual attractions comes primarily from his interactions with clients. Matheson, on the other hand, has worked for seven years with Joseph Nicolosi, the founder of the National Association for Research and Treatment of Homosexuality. Perhaps most importantly, Matheson has personal experience with same-sex attractions. He has experienced them and successfully dealt with them to the point that he is no longer affected by them.
The second scale on which credibility can be measured is the extent to which the author's ideas have actually helped people. While numbers are not available regarding Robinson's work, his efforts relating to same-sex attraction have been limited to his private practice. Matheson has, in addition to his private practice, created the Journey into Manhood weekend. This weekend has been attended by over one thousand men. In 2007, a survey was conducted regarding the effects of Matheson's principles as experienced on the JiM weekend. Seventy-nine percent of men surveyed reported that their same-sex attractions had diminished since the weekend. Ninety-three percent said that the JiM experience had a positive impact on their lives (Survey 2-4). That is a remarkable success rate.
The final criterion on which the helpfulness of the essays is judged is the applicability of the solutions they offer. Matheson provides very clear steps on how to implement the changes he recommends. His ideas are feasible and easy to understand. For example, he writes, "Creating friendships with so-called “normal” men is the only way I’ve found to contradict this lie. Very often, the first step is to make deep and real friendships with other men who are also in the process of change" (Matheson 5) Matheson makes no claim that his solutions are going to be easy, but he assets that they are within reach, "As difficult as the processes of learning about your needs may be, it is possible" (9).
Robinson doesn't make his solution nearly as easy to understand or incorporate into everyday living. He suggests that the only way to overcome homosexual feelings is to "walk away from the dragon" (Robinson 12). He explains that this means that if a man will just not think about it, it will go away. Yet with his analogy to alcoholism, would he tell an alcoholic that all he needs to do is not drink and the alcoholism will go away? If homosexual feelings are nothing more than a learned behavior, why do many men find it difficult to simply not do the behavior? Robinson admits that this "is "very, very difficult to do." But men who want to overcome homosexual attractions just need to do it again. It seems that Robinson's understanding of same-sex attractions is flawed. This makes his subsequent solutions less than feasible.
Many men have benefited from both of these essays. Robinson's article does provide some valid points and can help a person make sense of their attractions. However, if taken too literally this work can foster discouragement and frustration. Matheson's essay provides both hope for change and real results in the lives of those men who apply it's principles.

Works Cited
Matheson, David. "Four Principles of Change." Center for Gender Wholeness. Mar. 3, 2009.

Robinson, Jeff. "Homosexuality: What Works and What Doesn't." The Guardrail Foundation. Mar. 3, 2009.

"Survey of Journey into Manhood Participants." People Can Change. Mar. 12, 2009.

Songs

2009-04-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm going to post a couple of songs that I really like and have related to the battle of living with SSA. These songs are primarily Christian music, which I really like for the most part.

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but
she knows that when
She's all alone feels
Like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found but
The only way out is through
everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I know everything will be alright
I know everything will be alright

I don't know if I still have the strength to get up again
I don't know if I can face my own reflection
Jesus, take this heart that feels
so cold again, and make it new

I hold this hope inside that you'll never leave me

When all around me starts to fall,
and when my faith it seems so small
Even in my darkest hour, I will believe
Even if the sun begins to fall,
even when I feel nothing at all
Even if I'm all alone, I will believe

I don't know how I could turn my back and walk away
All I really want is for your love to hold me
Jesus, take this heart and make it whole again

I know you'll never leave me

2009-04-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

Scriptural Language

2009-04-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, I've been saying for a long time that the primary purpose of life is not a test. I really dislike when members of the church focus on the "test" aspect of our mortal existence.

I believe firmly that the purpose of life is for each of us to become more like our Heavenly Father. It isn't an examination to determine if we are "good enough" to be in the Celestial Kingdom. Father wants each of us to become like Him, to develop the character attributes that He has. This feels right to me. There have been a couple of scriptures that seem to contradict that point of view.

The first is in Abraham 3:25. God says to the Savior: "And we will prove them [the spirit children of Heavenly Father] herewith [using the world they are going to create], to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;"

The second comes from Mosiah 23:25. Here Mormon speaks about the people of Alma the Elder who had just escaped from King Noah. They are about to be brought into captivity by the Lamanites and wicked priests of King Noah. Mormon explains why the Lord would allow this to happen. He writes: "Nevertheless, the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith."

I used to be bothered by these passages. Then out of curiosity I looked up one word from each verse in the dictionary. It was thoroughly enlightening.

From the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

Prove: (a usage no longer common in modern language) to learn or find out by experience.

Try: (Another obsolete usage) To refine or purify.

When seen in the light of these "new" definitions, these scriptures take on a whole new meaning. I was grateful that even the scriptures teach that the Lord's intent is to make us better people. He wants us to become more like him. He gives us trials and difficulties in order to help us reach our divine potential.

Great News!

2009-04-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

So, I'm pretty pumped. Last Sunday my disciplinary council reconvened. I'm back in full fellowship! It feels really good. It just feels right, and there is such a peace knowing that I am right with the Lord. I got my temple recommend and went to the temple last Wednesday. It's funny how after a year of life changing experiences that completely changed the way I look at life, the temple ceremony also changed. It was totally different from the last time I went. So, nothing about the ceremony actually changed, but it was a completely new experience looking at it through different eyes.

Church discipline isn't easy or fun, but it is an inspired process. And totally worth it!

Detour

2009-03-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, I didn't know that the relatively near future meant over a month between posts. But I'm going to take a detour from the recap bit. I want to share a story about something that happened fairly recently. The other week, I got an email from a friend who deals with SSA. It was a "gay joke."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was a drunk and the other gay. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,

'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

I thought it was pretty funny. I laughed a lot. My wife laughed a lot. My mother-in-law has a great sense of humor and I wanted to tell her. I work for my mother-in-law and there are two other women who work in the office. I started to tell them that joke.

When I got to the second paragraph and said the word "gay," one of the other ladies there (H) said, "I don't want to hear a gay joke. It makes my stomach sick."

It wasn't a huge deal. The rest of us went into my mother-in-law's office and they loved the joke. It was just frustrating that (H) has been so rude to me ever since she found out a few months ago. It has felt like she wants to make sure I'm fired because she's uncomfortable with my SSA. In talking with the boss about this, I've learned that (H) is just like that to everyone. It really doesn't have anything to do with me. In fact, from what I gather she seems to like me a lot more than the last delivery guy.

I don't know what to think about her. I know that she her sister recently divorced her husband because of his bipolar disorder and SSA. (H) was in favor of the divorce. I know the man. I didn't know about the SSA or bipolar, but he was one of my favorite college professors.

I just wish people weren't so ignorant and insensitive to problems like SSA.

Oh, and a side note while I'm writing about the present. I started a new personal blog that is going to deal a lot less with SSA and is going to be more like my journal. If anyone is interested you can take a look at The Cooking Horseman.

I am a MAN!

2009-02-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

Last August, I had the opportunity to attend an event that dramatically changed my life. It didn't have anything to do with the world around me. Instead, it completely changed the way I perceive reality, the way I construct reality in my own mind.

Journey into Manhood (JiM) is an experiential retreat that focuses on healing old wounds and resuming the journey into full heterosexual manhood. Going into the weekend I thought that I wasn't really going to get that much out of it. I had signed up three months earlier when I was in desperate need of help. However, over those three months I had made tremendous progress. I was doing pretty well. I was not prepared in the least for the psychoogical 2x4 that hit me square in the forehead.

Although I have promised not to discuss the processes that go on during the weekend, I wouldn't disclose that because I believe that they are more powerful if a person is not prepared for them. I will, however, talk about some of the personal insights that I experienced during that weekend. The rest of this post will focus on what I felt was the most significant for me.

According to David Matheson's "Four Principles of Change," masculinity, or more correctly a lack there of, is a key factor in the development of Same-Sex Attraction. At first I disagreed with that assertion. However, as I have contemplated it more, I have come to agree with it completley. This is not to say that all non-masculine behaviors and attitudes will lead to homosexuality. This is on a more basic, deeply personal level. It has more to do with the meaning we attatch to the behaviors than the behaviors themselves.

So, I had come to see myself as different than other men. Men are mean, insensitive, cruel, arrogant, stupid, insensitive, and the list can go on and on. They were the "out" crowd; that was for sure. What, then, was the "in" crowd? It wasn't girls. I knew I had a penis. I wan't a girl. I had no desire to be a girl. It wasn't until I encountered the "gay" crowd that I found a group to which I might potentially belong. However, I wasn't entirely comfortable accepting full membership into that crowd. I still felt that the gospel was true. There I was: screwed up as hell. I had no "in" crowd, I simply didn't belong.

In the '90s there was a distinct trend in reparative therapy toward the theory that if a "homosexual" man did "heterosexual" things, he would become "heterosexual." This worked for some men. I would hypothosize that these men were primarily the type who had not yet developed a concrete self-image and were able to accept a more stereotypical "heterosexual" image/role. However, this didn't work for a lot of people. I tried for years to "be straight" through sports. I was even pretty good at them. However, I never really like them. I understand football, basketball, and wrestling quite well. I just don't care to watch them or participate in them. I like cooking. It's fun. It's fulfilling. I'm not going to give it up and start watching basketball all the time. That would mean going diretly counter to my personality. Is there no other way to reconcile my self-concept--the way I see myself--and my gender concept--the way I see masculinity?

Well, in the previous theory, the client tried to change his self concept. I can see some areas where this may be necessary. However, what would happen if I simply changed the way I define masculinity? That is what happened to me on the JiM weekend.

I was reliving a particularly painful memory form Jr. High. I was told by a kid in my gym class that I was in the wrong locker room. He then proceded to tell me that I had a "pussy" and that I was a girl. I was in the middle of expressing the anger that I felt at the time when suddenly I stopped. I started laughing. Someone asked what was going on. I responded: "Who the hell were they to tell me I wasn't a man?" They meant nothing. I was masculine then and I am masculine now. In fact, what was masculine anyway? Was it not the simply the characteristic of being a son of God? Who then is more masculine than me? Maybe Christ. Yes, He is the embodiment of true masculinity. Was he anything like the image of masculinity that society has painted? Not really, in fact he was anything but. Why then have I accepted society's definition of masculinity. I try to become like Christ. Am I not then masculine? Am I not a son of God?

It's kind of funny, now. I no longer define masculinity by society or any other an. I define masculinity by myself. I am inherently masculine. The source of my masculinity is my divine nature as a Son of God. If I allow myself to accept that, I feel masculine. I am equal to any man out there.

I didn't have to change my likes and dislikes. I didn't have to change what I did every evening. I didn't have to change my personality. I just changed the way I defined myself.

You know, when I got rid of my perception that I didn't fit into the masculine mold, things changed. Again I don't mean to overstate the extent of the change, but for a short period of time, I felt completely heterosexual. I wanted to have sex with my wife--not for her, not just for an orgasm, but because it felt right. I actually wanted it because I was a man. Now that didn't mean that my head turned at every set of breasts that walked by. In fact, I still wasn't attracted to "women." I was attracted to a woman, wholy and completely, sexually as well as emotionally. That was amazing. Keeping that emotion has been a challenge, but I'm getting better at it.

The most important thing I gained from JiM was the understanding that I am a man and I DO belong in the world of men.

Wow, I don't post much

2009-02-03T12:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not entirely sure why that is. It definitely isn't because I'm "cured," and everything is perfect. It may have something to do with the fact that I have figured out ways to deal with the issues that come up in my life in healthy ways. That sure doesn't mean life always flows smoothly, rather that when rapids appear, I can usually navigate them without landing in the river. In fact, I have even experienced some new problems in my life.

So, I don't feel like I have a whole lot to say lately about life changing insights or experiences. However, for the sake posterity and those who might possibly benefit in some way--even if they only gain some level of hope from my writing--I would like to go back over the past seven months and review a few of the insights and experiences that have helped me mold and modify my view of myself and the world around me.

So, my goal is to pump out the next couple of posts in the relatively near future. And then I want to continue to blog on a regular basis, simply documenting thoughts and feelings that I have relating to SSA, the Gospel, or about life on a more basic level.

I don't know what form this is going to end up taking. I guess what I'm trying to say is just that where I've geared a lot of my blog for my readers, I no longer feel that I have much to offer in that specific way. An quite frankly, I've lost the motivation to try. However, I have come to the conclusion that I do need to continue my blog more or less as a journal. Others are going to continue to be able to read it, but I'm not going to allow that to influence my writing in any particular way.

An Interesting Breakthrough

2008-07-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

I think I'm finally ready to write this post. I have been struggling for weeks to find the perfect way to put it. I have been so afraid that someone out there will take what I have to say wrong and hate me, or even worse be angry at the Church or worse still, be angry at God. I have finally found the courage to go ahead and write what is on my mind and just pray that people at least give me the benefit of the doubt and simply choose to respectfully disagree.

A while back, I posted a paper I did for a New Testament religion class. It was based primarily on insights that I had gained while reading James R. Ferrell's book The Peacegiver. I talked a lot about the nature of sin and how an accurate understanding of sin allows us to better appreciate and access the atonement. Interestingly, my breakthrough was simply an application of the principles I had learned, and even discoursed on, earlier.

I explained the principles with scriptural backing a lot more clearly in that earlier post: Sin and the Atonement . Even better, I highly recommend reading the original book. Brother Ferrell explains things much more eloquently and compellingly.

One night, I was explaining to the wife my sordid and complicated history with sex. By that I mean a lot of how my thoughts/fantasies changed over time and, rather in detail, the timeline of my addictions to pornography and masturbation. At the end of it, I stopped, looked at her, and said, "Oh, that's where my SSA comes from." I don't mean that SSA comes from looking at porn or masturbating! I do mean that by choosing to engage in those activities, I subjected myself to the captivity of Satan. By sinning, both in thought and action, I allowed Satan to gain power over me. By sinning, my very nature was changed. The way that I view the world was slowly warped. Finally, through the infinite power of the atonement, I was liberated from the chains of sin. I could see things as they really were. Again, I don't believe that sin is the ultimate root of SSA. I simply mean that much of the intensity of the allure of homosexuality-for me personally-came from the deception that Satan used to confuse me.

I would like to try to use an analogy to explain this idea. For a long time the only picture of happiness I could see was one that Satan had created, that of an intimate and sexual relationship with another man. Eventually, I began to see another picture. This one included my wife, children (still to come), and this time it fits into my beliefs of God and eternal life. So for the most part I tried to stay focused on this new picture. However, from time to time, something-like a hot guy or a memory-would draw my attention back to the other picture. It would take all my power to rip my gaze away from that picture of happiness in homosexuality and look at the picture of happiness with an eternal family.

Then suddenly, it was like looking at a picture on extremely high zoom. I saw all of the individual pixels-all the lies of Satan-that were woven together to make a very inviting picture.
Now when I look back all I see are lies. I am NOT "cured"!!! I am still attracted to men. However, for me a lot of the overpowering need and desire to have sex with another man is gone. I can see clearly that it won't make me happy. In fact, what I need is real connection with other men, and I know how to get that. And when I do, I can find happiness. And the happiness I do find is amazingly real and satisfying.

I want to clarify again. I'm not "cured" of my same-sex attraction. However, I have made a major breakthrough. I have made a really big step in learning how to deal and live with my attractions.

Now, I really don't know what I'm trying to say or if I've said everything I mean to, or if I've explained it well enough. I don't even know if this post will make it through the night. I'd really appreciate feedback on what you're thinking.

The Atonement Can Fix That Too!

2008-07-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

This is the first of a number of post about the insights I've had over an amazing month and a half.

I had an enlightening experience a few weeks ago. In one of our bi-weekly interviews, my Bishop told me that if I slipped up and looked at pornography again, we would start the year of my disfellowshipment over again. Needless to say, that really bothered me. I was livid! As far as I see it, this is a pretty difficult addiction to overcome, and to suddenly expect me to be able to really stop immediately is absurd. I have been trying for years and am finally starting the process of healing and overcoming this addiction. Well, I decided that I'd never talk to him again. At least I'd never tell him anything about what was really going on in my life.

I was venting one night to a friend who is much wiser and more experienced than me. I finished by telling him that "I guess I'm learning that church leaders are imperfect." He said:

"Yes, but I believe that the Atonement can fix that too."

Well that stopped me dead in my tracks. I was speechless. Tears welled up in my eyes. I thanked him and quickly hung up the phone. I got on my knees and prayed, begging the Lord to bless me through the atonement to make up for the mistakes of another. The most amazing thing happened next. A feeling of peace and comfort immediately came over me. I knew that despite my Bishop's inadequacy, everything was going to be okay. I was able to go to sleep without any frustration or anger.

Incidentally, my Bishop was appalled when I told him I was really hurt by what he said. He had meant that if I lapsed and acted out with another guy again! Still, that doesn't take away from the fact that I had been healed from this miscommunication. The atonement had made up for the mistakes of another.

In reflecting on that experience I was reminded of an old John Wayne quote. In his movie Big Jake, the Duke says to the bad guy "Anything happens, your fault, my fault, nobody's fault; and I'm going to blow your head off." Okay so the last part isn't so critical to this important insight. But I belive that through the Atonement, Christ can fix anything that happens to me, my fault, your fault, nobody's fault.

So next time something hurts, or isn't fair, or just plain sucks, even (maybe especially) when it isn't your fault, just remember that the Atonement can fix that too!

Breaking Points and Derparate Outposts

2008-05-31T11:39:00.001-07:00

Wow, it has been way too long since I last posted. Things have been going really well for me lately. That isn't to say that I haven't had my share of problems. It's just that I have found ways to meet my needs and take care of myself. I know how to get through my challenges while still keeping my priorities in line.

I have learned that God really likes breaking points and I believe that he wants us to become intimately familiar with our own breaking points. The Lord has a special way of pushing us right up to the point where we feel we cannot go any farther. Or in some cases, he lets us be pushed there whether by ourselves or by mortality. However, I have come to the conclusion that He never ever actually pushes us past our breaking points.

So often I get proud and think that I know better than God. I get convinced that He is simply pushing me too far. But the more I experience in life, the more He teaches me that He knows me and my strengths and weaknesses and if I allow him to He will show me who I really am. I'm a lot stronger than I think I am, I was reading a thread on North Star about CS Lewis and I remembered a quote by him.

"Meanwhile, little people like you and me, if our prayers are sometimes granted, beyond all hope and probability, had better not draw hasty conclusions to our own advantage. If we were stronger, we might be less tenderly treated. If we were braver, we might be sent, with far less help, to defend far more desperate posts in the great battle."

I used to look at it just like it says-in a negative way. "I'm not good enough no matter what." But now I turn it around. I feel like SSA and depression are some of the most desperate posts in this battle. So the fact that God has chosen to send me to to this situation, which is not being treated very tenderly and in which he doesn't simply grant me my prayers that all my troubles will go away, may just say something about me.

Through my trials, especially with SSA, I am coming to know who the Lord really is. I am beginning to know Him and what He wants. But just as importantly, my trials are helping me know who I am. Stripped of pride, I see that I am strong. Humbly, I see just how brave it is to face another day even with all the obstacles ahead of me. I've learned that even when it feels like I am ready to break, knowing that God won't push me further than I can handle has allowed me to find out just how far I can go. Then when God releases the pressure and I am able to relax a bit, I see that I endured more than I ever though possible

Whatever it Takes

2008-04-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

I don’t have a lot of explaining to do on this one, but my wife and I heard this song on the radio the other day and both started bawling. I couldn’t have written any words that better explain my situation and how I feel.

By Lifehouse:

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Brotherhood and Legitimate Needs

2008-04-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

I heard this song by Josh Groban on the radio earlier this week, and although I had heard it before, I was really touched by it’s message. I took it as the Savior speaking directly to me.

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

It resonated with something I had read. My counselor recommended I read the book Homosexuality: Symptoms and Free Agency by Scott Anderson. In it Scott quotes Elizabeth Moberly: “Healing must imply the fulfillment of unmet needs. God does not cure people of legitimate needs.” (from her book Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic)

That really hit me in a powerful way. For so long I have prayed to Heavenly Father to remove my desires. The truth is that those desires are not based on anything evil. My homosexual desires are simply an offshoot of the need to feel acceptance and emotional connection with my brothers. That is not a bad desire. In fact, it is a very natural and divine desire.

I was moved as I noticed the way the General Authorities expressed their love for each other in General Conference. That brotherhood is a very real part of God’s eternal plan for us. For the first time, I began to see that an “Eternal Family” was not limited to the mortal definition of family. Those who reach the Celestial Kingdom are going to spend eternity with their brothers and sisters. Sure I will have the opportunity to spend the rest of eternity with my best friend—my wife. But just as real will be the relationships that I form with my spiritual brothers. That makes me excited. I can imagine being happy in a heaven where I will interact with other males in an intimate, yet appropriate way. The idea of being happy in a heaven with only my wife and kids seemed incomprehensible to me.

Anyway those are just a few of my thoughts on brotherhood and the very real and legitimate need to experience that love. I know that as I have experienced that connection, my feelings of SSA have diminished and I have experienced true happiness.

Inbetweeners

2008-03-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post about some thoughts sparked by a conversation that I had with my therapist a couple of weeks ago.

Relationships are funny things. I was asked to define how I classify men in my Elder's Quorum. I really struggled with that one! I ended up grouping men into three main categories. Socially Overconfident, Socially Awkward, and the Inbetweeners. To explain those groups simply:

The Socially Overconfident are the "cool" guys. They frequently initiate contact and activities and respond well when I initiate interaction. I am usually attracted to this type of man to some degree or another. I really want to interact with and be like them. The problem with them is that they are so comfortable socially that they don't need me. They have a bajillion other friends, and while the fact that they don't have time to initiate things with me often isn't rejection, it doesn't change the fact that they are busy.

The Socially Awkward do not initiate and do not respond well to my attempts to initiate relationships. In fact I really have no desire to even try to initiate things with this type. It is obvious that they don't make very good candidates for fulfilling relationships.

And then there are the Inbetweeners. These are the guys who don't catch my eye at first glance (or even second) when I walk into a room. They usually don't go out of their way to initiate or form relationships beyond the casual hello. But they are unique. They usually respond well when others attempt to form relationships. This is why I love inbetweeners!

Now I'm not saying that it is easy for me to be the one to extend myself and make the first move. But I can do it. The problem has been that I have wanted so badly to be accepted by the Socially Overconfident group. When I try to form relationships with them, they are usually very kind, but then seem to forget me. I have taken that as rejection in the past.

So I got all down and think that my only chance to have friends is with the Socially Awkward group. You can see how those attempts would flop. So then I get really messed up and start thinking that my only hope is to have a gay relationship. I have completely overlooked the Inbetweeners.

Inbetweeners come in all different shapes and sizes. They can be talkative, relatively quiet, or somewhere in between. Inbetweeners, if given enough time, will actually initiate getting together or hanging out. They might be totally unattractive physically. Then again some of them are actually quite cute. Inbetweeners are almost always fun to be around. Best of all, Inbetweeners care. They really are interested in me. They accept me for who I am and like be because (or in spite) of it. I always feel better about myself and my life when I'm with an Inbetweener. They make me want to be a better person.

Inbetweeners really deserve a better name. Like Awesomers, or Reallyneatguys-ers. But those sound dumb and Inbetweeners fits my views of other men really well, so that's what I'll call them.

I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to meet a few Inbetweeners lately. It is so nice actually feel like I have friends. I know that they care about me and accept me. That feels so good!

So thanks to all the Inbetweeners out there. You really make life worth living.

The Sun in All its Glory

2008-03-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

As I was praying a scripture came into my mind. I thought of Mosiah 3:19. I realized that the struggle inside me was really between the natural man and the spiritual man. Until I was able to see my life spiritually, I was never going to be happy. Somehow I needed to truly complete the process of “becoming a saint through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” I knew that the process involved “yielding to the enticings of the spirit,” but I was unsure of how to do so.

That thought weighed on my mind a lot over the next day at church. Then in Elder’s quorum, someone brought up a scripture in Alma chapter 34. While I was open to the verse, I happened to glance over and read verse 31. “. . .therefore, if ye will repent and harden not your heart, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you.”

That verse hit me so hard! First was the possibility of the plan of redemption (forgiveness as well as its synonym the plan of happiness) being immediately enacted in my behalf. There was one small catch. I had to repent without hardening my heart. Given the insight that I had about my emotional openness that was a challenge. But then again, that was the perfect explanation to why I hadn’t felt the influence of the Lord in my life on a regular basis, despite the fact that I was doing everything I was supposed to.

I was that what I needed to do was turn my heart over to the Lord. To open my heart to Him. It took me a day to figure out how to do that and to be willing to open myself up; to become vulnerable. I was scared to death of opening the wall. But I knew that if I was going to have any hope of ever being happy, I had to have the Lord in my life. I realized that while I had been keeping the commandments, I had done so without having my heart in it.

Tuesday, I was truly open. I felt a lot of connection with the men in my group. I felt so happy! I felt so good. As I have continued to be open, I have been happy. Having come to accept myself and then being open to the connection, I felt it. It was really amazing. I found that I could either sit and whine about how miserable I was with a prosthetic and focus on all the ways it was inferior to a real leg and all the things I couldn't do, or I could live my life to the fullest and accept the prosthetic. That week, my therapist suggested to me that I shouldn't just content myself with a prosthetic for the rest of my life. He said that he feels that over time through a lot of emotional healing and effort on my part, the male relationships I form can become, little by little a real leg. I liked that thought.

Later on in the week, I found that as much as I tried to be open, my heart had figured out the password I was using to open it up and had changed it. It was locked. Try as I might, I still struggled with the same emotional bullshit that I had before. I was still trying to be "open" and it was helping, but things were far from perfect.

I had the opportunity to travel to SLC with my wife to meet two other couples that also deal with SSA. It was so good for both of us to start to establish a network of support. That is something that both of us have needed. And the best part is that, being emotionally open, I was able to feel that emotional connection with them. It is so good to truly feel that I have friends.

I told one of those friends about my new struggle with the locked gate and he said that we always plateau. At that point, we need to find a new way to think about it, new terminology to describe the process. He told me about a method that has continued to work for him. He called it sitting with the emotion. He said that you sit down and just chase the emotion through all the layers until you find out what is really at the root of the emotion. He referred to being “open” as being “present.” I have also heard it called being “authentic” or “genuine.”

As I have learned to accept my emotions and find out what those emotions really are, I have been happy. A big part of that has been being open to the Lord and the spirit and allowing them to influence my life. It has been a week now since I figured it out and there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t been happy. I had hoped for one day of happiness. I never dreamed that I would experience a whole week of it. What’s more I have had no signs that this has to end. As far as I can tell, this is the secret to a lifetime of happiness, to an eternity of happiness. And that, more than anything isW exactly what I have been looking for.

Stumbling

2008-03-24T20:32:00.000-07:00

Having freed myself from the pressures of shame, I no longer felt trapped. I wasn’t trying endlessly to prove myself worthy of love. However, I wasn’t quite convinced that I had worth that didn’t rely on my actions. Essentially, I needed to test out the assumption that my self worth was not dependent on what I did.

To make a long story short, (and I WILL NOT tell it in its full length) I acted out with another man.

The long part of the story that I am willing to share is the aftermath. The next morning I felt awful about having cheated on my wife. So I told her what I had done. Watching her reaction is something I never want to experience again. To see her pain and anguish over the betrayal and feeling her pain to a small degree was almost more than I could bear. She did assure me that she loved me and still wanted to be with me. Sill, that afternoon and night were long and painful.

I realized something in that time, though. What I had experienced with the other guy simply wasn’t worth the misery it put me through. My wife and I have come up with an analogy that we feel fits the situation pretty well.

She compared my emotional self to my physical body. She said that emotionally I have grown up with out a leg. That leg is feeling the closeness and love of another male. I got to feel what it was like to have that leg for a few hours. But that brought me to a decision. The leg was whole and I knew what that felt like, and honestly, it was amazing. However, I found out in no uncertain terms that I could have the leg only at the expense of everything else important in my life: my relationship with my wife, my hope of a future family, my relationship with my parents, my horses, my relationship with God. I could have one or the rest, but not both.

I didn’t want to cut off the leg that I had waited so long to get, but I wanted to keep everything else. The decision was which did I want to keep more?

If the choice was between everything else and living without the leg, I wasn’t sure. I was almost ready to just give up and not have to make a decision. However, that would have been a decision in itself and an irreversible one at that. Then my wife pointed out that I could have a prosthetic. It couldn’t be put on the stub immediately. I had to give the process some time, but if I was patient, I could have appropriate relationships with other men. Would they ever be quite what the real leg was? Maybe not, but I could still get by pretty well.

With that hope, I made my decision and cut off the leg to save the body. I called my new bishop and started the process of repentance which included being disfellowshipped.

A number of blessings have come into my life since that weekend. One is that my motivation to keep the commandments has been recreated. This time it has nothing to do with shame. This time it is about knowing what will truly bring me happiness in this life and in the life to come. It is in knowing that the Savior has suffered for me and that He and my Heavenly Father still do love me. That love and my worth to them is not at all dependent on my actions. If I want to be truly happy there are some guidelines that they have outlined to bring additional happiness into my life and I can follow them. Following or not following the commandments, however, does not affect the way they love me. I can choose for myself what I want to do, and I choose the path that will bring me the most happiness.

The next blessing came piece by piece as I prayed for the guidance of the spirit and for knowledge of how to obtain forgiveness and happiness in this life.

Night Again, But a Glimpse of a Permanent Dawn

2008-03-24T20:31:00.001-07:00

That experience helped to pull me out of my deep, suicidal depression. It was so powerful and uplifting. However, with in a couple of weeks I was back to being depressed. I told myself that if the only thing I had to look forward to in this life was one experience like that every ten years, or every year, or even just once every month, it wasn’t worth the pain that I experienced the rest of the time. I had a couple of good experiences with “healthy male relationships.” And the most frustrating part of the whole thing was that I didn’t feel that those experiences really helped me fill the void at all. I was pretty down.

Then I met with my therapist. He listened patiently while I ranted on about how miserable and hopeless my life was. Then he asked if I had ever heard of emotional reasoning. I told him that I hadn’t. He then used the example of a girl who has roommates who are fighting. She may feel guilty and somehow partly responsible for the argument, but the only proof she has that she is responsible is that she feels guilty. He then asked if I had any proof that I was unhappy, unfulfilled, and hopeless other than the fact that I felt that way.

I had to think about that for a minute. I had lots of reasons things sucked, but no proof that they were the reason I was feeling that way. The proof was that I felt that way. He then told me that all emotion has a motivational purpose. For example, if you are angry, your emotions are telling you to resolve some tension or to avoid being hurt in the future; if you’re lonely your emotions are trying to motivate you to connect with others. Well all emotions have a motivational purpose except one.

He asked me if there was any chance that the feelings I was having were based on the emotion of shame. I told him no way! This depression was not coming from the fact that I felt guilty about looking at porn now and again. I didn’t feel shame because of that. I was working to overcome it and felt good about my progress.

He then told me that shame didn’t have to be for actions at all. That stopped me in my tracks. It hurt like hell to admit it, but I realized that ultimately I was ashamed of who I was. I was ashamed of the “real me” that if anyone knew about, they’d hate me.

I saw how shame had effectively isolated me from the emotional connection that I so desperately craved and needed. I had been so miserable in Jr. High and High School. I faced so much rejection as I tried to fit in and find my place in the social world. It was painful. Eventually I became so desperate to escape from that pain that I learned to “numb” myself. I build a thick wall around my heart, effectively keeping out the unpleasant emotions that I was dealing with. Unfortunately, this wall also kept out the positive emotions. Worst of all, it cut me off from feeling any sort of connection with others, regardless of how outwardly outgoing and involved I appeared to be. It even blocked the connection with God.

The ironic thing about my wall, was that in building it, I had locked shame inside. I felt so much shame at who I was that I hated myself. I felt that I was, by nature, unacceptable to anyone. But there was one hope for me to become acceptable and good. I simply had to be perfect.

Such a simple solution. So much pain and discouragement. The more I tried to be perfect, the more I realized that I was lacking. That became my motivation for everything. Not just to make others think that I was good, but to prove to myself and to God that I was good enough. That was why I did everything: serving a mission, getting married, praying at night, reading my scriptures, serving in the church, working hard in school, everything!

Shame’s most vicious effect was that I was barred from feeling accepted by others. Until I could accept myself, I would never allow myself to be accepted, and until I could feel accepted, I would never feel the connection that is at the root of my attractions. Shame was keeping me from an emotional connection and then tried to tell me that I was broken: incapable of feeling fulfilled in a “healthy male relationship.” In reality if had nothing to do with my ability to be fulfilled, it is just that the connection is incompatible with shame

I think it is important to note that shame is in no way related to guilt, or Godly sorrow. It isn’t feeling bad for what you did, it’s hating yourself for what you did or are. My therapist explained that shame really has only one purpose: it is used to control people. That sounds an awful lot like someone else’s plan. And shame ultimately leads only to despair and misery.

The problem was shame was causing a lot of other feelings like discouragement, hopelessness, and the feeling of being unfulfilled. I was just accepting those feelings as being true just because I felt them. I learned that I have to follow my emotions to their core and find out what is really causing them, rather than just accepting them. I could then immediately reject any feelings that where shame based.

Once I learned to do that, I felt incredible! I felt free and liberated. I had hope of finally being happy. I was a good person. I had worth that was completely independent of what I did. Even if I sinned, I was still lovable and acceptable. I was holding myself to a ridiculously high standard. On to which I would never hold anyone else! So why was I so different?

Well there is my spill on shame. I know it was long, but those insights have been invaluable to me and they set the stage for what happened next.

Light Dawning

2008-03-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

About five days after I posted the last letter on the D2 and North Star support groups, I had received dozens of responses both public and private. Most of them were simply extending love and encouragement. I wrote the following update later that same week:

I want you to know that after shoving me head first into my personal
Gethsemane, The Lord has in great mercy gathered up my broken pieces
and made me whole. Well maybe not completely whole, but you get the
point. Almost all of that help can be summed up in a single
experience.

On Sunday, I had had the thought that if God really cared, He would
inspire my Bishop to talk to me. I sat through sacrament meeting
making to attempt to conceal my misery. After sacrament meeting I
waited around for the bishop to come talk to me and he didn't. So,
pouting, I left the chapel and sat on a couch in the upstairs foyer,
where no one from our ward ever goes. About half way through Sunday
School, I glanced over and saw my Bishop standing next to me. He
asked if I was okay, I told him that I wasn't and he led me to his
office. There I broke down and told him everything. He just cried
with me and let me know that He cared. I appreciated his concern, but
is didn't help. He then said, I have the distinct impression to tell
you to really pour out your heart to the Lord. I told him that I had
done that. He said, "That's just the feeling I have, to find a quiet
place and be perfectly honest with him." So I left right then,
missing priesthood and drove to a quiet place and really told the Lord
how I felt. I then waited about 40 minutes for an answer. I didn't
feel anything particularly special. I thought that I ought to ask my
dad for a blessing. So I went back to church, picked up my wife, and
drove to my parents' place.

I had told my parents a little while ago, and while they were loving,
they had no idea how to respond. Sunday night, I told them
everything, and my Dad gave my wife and I each a blessing. I was
thoroughly frustrated after the blessing. The counsel was to "keep
doing what's right eventually things will work out." He also told me
to know that my wife and my parents loved me very much and that they
were able to do so only because of teh Savior's love. I didn't feel
encouraged or more hopeful. But, after talking through the counsel
with my wife, I felt like I had the desire and strength to try to live
at least another week.

Then Monday night, I was laying in bed with my wife. One of the
things I struggle most with is feeling loved. Well, through the grace
of the Lord, I felt my wife's love for me in an intense, deep, and
powerful way. Then the words from my blessing came to me and I though
that that is a part of Christ's love for me. Immediately, I was
overpowered with the most intense feeling of love. It couldn't have
been any more real had Christ been there and physically placed his
arms around me. I knew that I was finally getting the answer of love
I needed from Him. It was amazing. Then yesterday, I had a great
session with my therapist. My wife was there and we both came to a
new understanding about male relationships and some very concrete
things that I can do to make that effort.

I felt that while the emotional void that has plagued me has not been
filled, that hope has acted like a balloon to fill the emptiness in my
life. This has allowed me to truly feel happiness for the first time
in my life. I am excited about living each day in my future. I know
that there are still battles to fight and emotional roller coasters to
ride, but hopefully by writing this down, I can look back and draw
strength from this experience adn know that the Lord really is in
control and that He will never allow anything to happen to me which
isn't for my good.

My Darkest Hour

2008-03-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, I was really struggling with the combination of depression and SSA. I was really being double-teamed hard. I talked to one friend who suggested that I turn to the D2 and North Star groups for help and support. This is a copy of part of the letter I wrote to both.

I'm just tired of fighting this battle inside me alone. I don't feel
God's help or live in my life. Even when I am living in accordance
with his commandments, I don't feel the strength or support promised.
Even when I keep the commandments, I am not happy.

So, worn out and exhausted from fighting, I tried to deal with my
situation in a different way. I started cruising the internet for gay
guys about two weeks ago. I met one who I clicked with and this last
Friday I had lunch with him. The whole two weeks I was happier than I
had been in months. I no longer had suicidal desires. I was able to
focus on my wife and love her more fully than I have in the past. It
seemed so perfect to simply live two lives, that way, both parts of me
could be fulfilled and I could actually find some semblance of
happiness.

However, later that night, after the date, I fell apart. I believe
that happiness in living a double life is possible. However, it
requires that the gospel isn't true, or at least that the individual
doesn't believe that it is true. For better or worse, part of me
still knows the gospel is true. I couldn't convince myself that is
was okay to cheat on my wife. So I told her all about what was going
on. She handled it remarkably well. The problem is that I didn't

I am back to preferring to be dead rather than fighting this battle.
I am so sick and tired of God's indifference toward me. I never
expected him to take this burden away from me in some miraculous way.
I only wanted him to occasionally let me feel that He is there and
that he cares about me. Now and again I need a little strength beyond
my own. I am having a hard time still having faith in the gospel when
I don't feel those things. Are they too much to ask?

My wife and I felt inspired and directed to live where we are.
However, that means that I am out of range for any support groups of
even a friend who understands or even cares about what I am going
through. It just seems to me that God must enjoy tormenting me and
seeing me suffer. It's like He wants to see how far He can push me
before I snap.

Except for the fact that my wife repeatedly insists that she couldn't
endure life without me, I would have killed myself a long time ago.
That is the only hope that the Church can give of any release from
this torment: the next life. I'd do it in a second, if I knew she'd be
okay. But with that not an option and without being able to bring
myself to act on my attractions, I simply don't know what to do. I
have no desire to live anymore. I feel like God has won. I'm
defeated. I no longer have any hope in any peace or happiness in this
life. Yet there is nothing I can do to escape the misery and pain I
constantly feel. I have tried therapy and living the gospel and they
haven't helped. They've only destroyed any hope I once had of
resolving the pain. So, I am left just praying that God, or anyone,
will finally have mercy on me and kill me.

What else is there?

Life and Explaining

2008-03-24T20:07:00.000-07:00

It’s about time I wrote an update. I have so much to share that I think I’ll do this in a couple of installments. First of all there are a few things in my life completely unrelated to my SSA that have happened in the last month. The biggest event is that my wife and I bought a house and moved into it. We really like it. The new house is in Idaho Falls. We are in a good ward, although I do have to say that I miss my old bishop. They just don’t come much more loving or understanding. My new bishop is loving and doesn’t claim to understand the SSA struggle, but recognizes that it is real. He just has a different personality.

In conjunction with the move, I started a new job working in a High School cafeteria. I really enjoy cooking and this job is great. The atmosphere is really fun and uplifting. I appreciate the lower stress level!

Also, once we knew we were moving to Idaho Falls, my wife told me that she was okay with me getting a couple of horses. When we moved into our apartment in Rexburg, we decided to sell all my horses because we didn’t have any place to keep them. Now we are close enough to my parents’ place that we are keeping them there. We bought one project horse for me and a really good horse for my wife to ride (and any friends who want to come riding). That has been really nice for me the last few weeks to be able to go do something I really enjoy. It is such a stress reliever for me.

Well stay tuned for my multiple part update.

A Prayer . . . and an answer

2008-02-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

I think that my post last night was as close to a sincere prayer as I've had in a long time. I really expressed my feelings and let the Lord (and others) know exactly how I felt. I haven't done that. I just pray for what I think I'm supposed to pray for. I usually feel too guilty to express anger at God. But that is where I ended up last night, with a desperate plea for some evidence that He cares.

And I think that I might just be experiencing that answer right now. I haven't received any clear answers. I'm still confused and angry and frustrated. But I don't feel quite as alone or abandoned as I did. I have a sense of hope about staying true and faithful, in spite of the struggle. I need to find a way to keep that sense of purpose even when I feel miserable and alone. I do still need a friend. I don't have a clue how that is going to happen, but until it does, I can rely on my Savior. I may still hate the imperfect way the Church and it's leaders handle this situation, but I know He loves me and cares for me.

I love my wife so much. I tell myself that I only love her as a friend, but what is the difference between that and what a husband "should" feel? Really? So I don't experience the "ideal" feelings with her. Isn't that the attitude I hate in the Church? Can't a relationship still be good, even really good, despite the fact that it isn't "ideal?" Can't I still be good, really good, even though I don't fit the ideal pattern? I really don't think that I could bring myself to leave her. I'd end up doing something stupid, and then I'd forever regret the damage I'd done to our relationship. I don't think I could live with that.

I'm not all better. One brief touch of hope can't compensate for weeks of pain and despair. However, it has made me stop and think. I'm curious to see what happens next.

On a Ledge

2008-02-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

I am referencing my very first post Making the Decision. I really don't know where I am going with this, but I need to write to sort some things out. Anyway I am back on the ledge: looking down, looking up. It isn't the same ledge, but I'm faced with the same decision.

Only now, I have already tried one of the two options. I have tried to climb upward. I was reaching so hard. I believed in the promises whispered by the still, small voice. I made every effort I could to rise to the top. In many ways I made it. The problem is that once on top (back completely living the gospel), I found out I really was as alone as I had remembered. There were a couple of people who may have given an effort to try to help. Unfortunately, all they could do was say, "Just be happy. Keep trying. It's worth it."

That's not a whole hell of a lot of help. It doesn't help to know that what I'm going through is normal. In fact it makes it worse. I simply cannot believe that a "Loving Heavenly Father" would put His "children" through misery like this. Whether or not the Church is actually true is of little importance. John 7:17 says "If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself." Well, I've done His will and I have felt nothing but abandoned. A testimony is a personal witness, the things we know. Well, I know that God has not lived up to the promises made by His servants. Now whether that means the Church is not true, or that God doesn't exist, or that He simply doesn't care, I don't know. And, really, it doesn't matter to me. I can't rely on other people's testimonies, and God has ruined his chance to preserve mine. If the Church really is true, then that means that I am simply not Celestial material, because I can't live the gospel with what he has given me to work with.

Maybe if God had directed me to Provo, then I would have had the opportunity to meet and make friends with other people who are going through the same thing. But I felt "directed" to be here. I never would have met my wife if I was in Provo. And I believed that I was supposed to marry her and that everything would work out for me as long as I kept doing all that I was supposed to do. Well, here I am alone. I guess that's God's plan for me. He really must want to see me fail, or else He made a really big mistake. He has just pushed me too far. His only hope to keep me from completely losing my faith in him is to find a way to kill me soon, so everything will be okay in the next life, just like He promised. I won't take my own life, though I have desperately wanted to. But the church teaches that death is the only way to be happy.

I know some of you are saying that there really is a way for me to be happy and fulfilled living the gospel. I don't believe it. There may be for you, but not for me. My therapist convinced me to talk with me wife to help her understand my needs so that she can work to fill them. 1) Sexually, telling her can't help. 2) I did talk to her about my emotional needs for connection. And she has been great at trying to meet my needs. The problem is that I feel even worse. I don't feel any more connection, but I do feel guilty that she is trying so hard. It is neither her fault nor mine that I am flawed to the point that the things that should help don't.

And it isn't like I sit around and wallow in m own self-pity. I do so much to serve her and try to make her happy. I also find a lot of ways to serve others. The gospel promises that service is supposed to help me feel better: happier and less concerned about my own problems. Again, it just makes things worse. I don't know what else I can do for the service cure to work.

The last week I have started to consider leaving the Church and everything. I don't believe that it could be any worse than what I am going through right now. Before, one of the main things keeping me from doing so was the fear of eternal consequences. But now, I really can't say that I believe that. Right now the ONLY thing keeping me from packing up and leaving is knowing how it would rip my wife's heart to shreds. Still, I know that this struggle is taking its toll on her as well. I'm beginning to think that she would be better off without me. She is still young enough to find someone who can feel and be what she deserves. It might hurt her like hell in the short run, but it would be better for her than me dragging her though this hell for the nest 50 years, or even worse, leading her on and having kids before I lose my strength to pretend anymore.

The funny thing is that since I have considered leaving, I have felt the first hint of hope and happiness that I have felt in weeks. If God really wanted me to live the Gospel why wouldn't he have let me feel some hope sooner? Why would my personal experiences go so directly contrary to what the gospel promises?

Anyway, I haven't jumped yet. I haven't actually decided that I am going to jump. However, I'm here on a ledge. I'm not in a great rush to make up my mind, but I can't stand here in the middle for long.

Drowning

2008-02-05T22:26:00.000-08:00

I really feel like I've hit the end of my rope. I am so sick of this fight going on inside of me. I feel like I really don't have any choices left. The gospel and everything associated with it have an iron grip on one half of my soul and my challenges in mortality have an equally unyielding grip on the other. Neither are going to let go. For all his power, God seems content to just keep pulling. I cannot choose one without cutting off the other half of my soul. I oscillate between which half I'd rather lose. In the meantime, my soul is getting stretched thinner and thinner. Maybe someday it will just snap and I won't have to worry about this struggle anymore.

I've lost all hope of finding any fulfillment in a "healthy" same-sex relationship. Straight guys simple don't like me. I used to have a lot of hope that developing relationships and making friends with other guys would help ease my pain. Now, I'm convinced that isn't possible within the Church.

I am so sick of the Church and it's incessant preaching that if I just "live the gospel," everything will work out. When? "Oh, In the next life. Then all the holes in your soul will be fixed." That brings two thoughts to mind:
1) Why would such wise leaders make it so painfully clear that the only hope I have for happiness in living the gospel is death. That could easily be 57 or more miserable, agonizing years away. That is, if I don't do anything to shorten it, which happens to be an unforgivable sin.
2) So the hopelessness of the above brings me to my current conclusion: maybe I don't want all those hole fixed. Maybe the holes are caused by the gospel.

I have become so apathetic toward everything related to the church: my callings, this stupid school, even worse the men leading it who get confused about whether or not they are God. I absolutely hate going to church on Sunday. I can't even read more than a few verses from the scriptures with out slamming them shut in disgust. Is it really better to read them at all then?

I am just so lonely. I am having a hard time believing that this can really be God's plan for me, if he even has one.

2008-01-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

Breathing

2008-01-26T23:29:00.000-08:00

I heard this song for the first time on Thursday. I have probably listened to it a hundred times since then. I love it. I feel that the words and the message could be my own.

"Work"
By: Jars of Clay

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

New Friends

2008-01-18T09:03:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that is had been over a month since my last post. So much has happened. The most important thing was without a doubt the amazing opportunity I've had to meet some great people. They are the numbers 2 through 9. Allow me to explain.

I had two pretty serious bouts of depression since my last post where I actually got fairly suicidal. When I told my counselor about this and explained what I was thinking, He told me that I have learned to rate my happiness with one of two emotions: Perfectly Happy and Life Sucks. When my life doesn't go perfectly (and with SSA it rarely does) I get into the rut of thinking that since my life isn't Perfectly Happy, it must, by default, really Suck. He said "In reality there is a whole continuum of emotion. I want to introduce you to the numbers two through nine." That phrase (which really echoes what another friend told me about all or nothing thinking) has really impacted my life.

I've come to realize that even though things are far from perfect, and with out complaining, they are pretty imperfect in my life. As many of you know all too well, this struggle isn't an easy happy one with a simple solution. I frequently wish that my feelings toward my wife were closer to the "ideal straight" feelings that I think I "should" have. I may never feel completely satisfied in my marriage. I don't yet get the male friendship and closeness that I need and crave. I may never get it if I stay in the church and with my wife. But then again I'll never be happy pursuing a lifestyle away form the gospel, and although my feelings aren't perfect, my wife is a dear friend. How could I crush her by leaving? Thoughts like this used to get me so depressed that the only option was ending my life.

Now, I can see that mortality is doings its worst to me. However, that doesn't mean that my life sucks. It isn't perfect. Whose is? Everyone has their own struggles and while mine may be particularly difficult, it sure as hell doesn't mean that my life sucks. My family may not understand my pain, but they live me. My wife may not fill every emotional need that I have, but she is as close to perfect as I could ask for. She is so understanding and caring. I sometimes feel that she feels every pain I do with twice the intensity. We have such an amazing friendship. And at times the Lord blesses me with the natural feelings and passions she needs. I have a close relationship with the Savior and am a Son of the Almighty God. I am Divine. So whatever mortality and Satan decide to trow at me, my life will never be a one.

Sure, there are a lot of days that fit in the 4/5/6 range, but I need to quit looking at that as a grade. That would be failing in school, but this is not school. 5 is half way to perfect. My wife and I went with another couple to see Martian Child last weekend. (WOW!) Anyway, the dad there says that he loves baseball because you only have to hit the ball three times out of ten to be great and is you do just a tiny bit better than that, you're a superstar. So is 3 is great, then two must be at least good, huh?

Anyway, I am happy. Today couldn't be any better than a six, but it doesn't have to be. I still have intense feelings of SSA. School still creates a lot of stress that I don't handle well.

But, Six isn't bad at all.

An explanation and update

2007-12-11T19:06:00.000-08:00

I thought I would post my final religion paper. I don’t know that is particularly good, but for anyone who is looking for some doctrinal encouragement, I think it fits the bill.

Otherwise I am doing great. This last Saturday I was invited by a friend in one of my classes to go riding with him and his wife. It was really good. I can’t really explain how much it means to feel that another guy actually cares about me in a way that is totally unrelated to sexuality.

I am so grateful to the Lord and the way in which he blesses me. I want to clarify a little bit about the last paragraph of my paper. I confided in my religion teacher last week about my struggles. He is the only one who will see this paper. Also, I don’t want to give the impression that I am happy about my SSA. This is not easy, nor is it fun. I do, however, know that the Lord seeks my best interest. He would not have given me this challenge to deal with if there wasn’t something I could learn from it. Part of my responsibility in the process of overcoming the natural man is to find out what I need to learn and do as a result of my challenges.

Sin and the Atonement

2007-12-11T19:03:00.000-08:00

WARNING! This is LONG! I’ll explain it in my next post

This Semester I have studied the New Testament with a desire to better understand the Atonement, the Sacrament, and Prayer. I selected particular questions that I felt would be helpful in deepening my understanding of these principles. It is interesting to me that while I feel that my understanding of these principles has been greatly enlarged, deepened, and in some ways corrected, many of the questions I felt were important remain unanswered while others now seem superficial and irrelevant. As I have studied the New Testament, my thoughts have been influenced greatly by a book that I read early in the semester. The Peacegiver, by James Ferrell, offers many great insights into the atonement of Jesus Christ. So now, I hope to capture the feelings and thoughts of this humble heart of mine on paper. In doing so I seek the inspiration and guidance of the spirit.

Before we can truly understand the blessing and saving power of the Atonement we need to understand what it is we are being saved from. In announcing his own mission, Christ quoted the prophecy of Isaiah saying, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.”[1] Christ was to become known as the Savior, the Redeemer, the Deliverer. Indeed, He preached deliverance to the captives. Who are these captives and to what are they captive?

Christ later taught that “Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin.”[2] It appears form this verse that when we sin we become subject to “the power and captivity of the devil.”[3] John taught that “he that sinneth is of the Devil.” But what does this mean? How are we subject to the devil? James E. Talmage taught in Jesus the Christ that Judas Iscariot had, through sin, effectively surrendered his agency to Satan. In other words when we sin we sacrifice a portion of our agency to the enemy of our souls. We are no longer completely free to make our own choices. As Paul counseled “let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body.”[4]

Paul also taught that we should be careful “lest any of [us] be hardened through eh deceitfulness of sin.”[5] James Ferrell explained that this hardening and deception is illustrated in the response of Adam to the Lord when asked if he had partaken of the fruit. Adam began to justify himself and blame Eve. Eve likewise blamed the serpent. When we sin, our natures become changed. They become corrupted so that the way we see the world is distorted. We see ourselves as guiltless. We don’t need the Savior. Someone else is to blame.[6] In this sin “we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”[7]

Another of Satan’s lies to which we become subject when we sin is described by Elder Uchtdorf. He said, “Satan, “the father of all lies”, “the father of contention”, “the author of all sin”, and the “enemy unto God”, uses the forces of evil to convince us that this concept applies whenever we have sinned. The scriptures call him the “accuser” because he wants us to feel that we are beyond forgiveness. Satan wants us to think that when we have sinned we have gone past a “point of no return”—that it is too late to change our course. In our beautiful but also troubled world, it is a sad reality that this attitude is the source of great sorrow, grief, and distress to families, marriages, and individual lives. Satan tries to counterfeit the work of God, and by doing this he may deceive many. To make us lose hope, feel miserable like himself, and believe that we are beyond forgiveness, Satan might even misuse words from the scriptures that emphasize the justice of God, in order to imply that there is no mercy.”[8]

Sin is not a system of carefully kept tally marks in the heavens. Nor is it a card system of all our transgressions which will keep us from entering heaven. Nor is Sin truly a single stain on our robes that must be removed before we are worthy to enter into the Celestial Kingdom. Sin and righteousness are not some abstract things external to our souls. In fact the very nature of our souls is changed when we Sin. This change takes us away from Christ and our Heavenly Father. It blinds us to the reality of the plan of Salvation and gives the Devil power over our decisions. How then are we free?

Christ taught that “Truth shall make you free.”[9] How does truth make us free? When we se the truth of our own sinless and helpless state; when we see that we cannot possible overcome the bonds of sin by ourselves, we have an opportunity in that moment to turn to Christ to free us. As He himself said, “If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”[10]

How does Christ save us from the captivity of sin, in effect save us from ourselves? With the understanding of the true nature of sin and why we must be saved from it, we can better understand just what the atonement was. Alma taught that Christ would “take upon him the sins of the his people.”[11] Knowing that sin subjects us to the power of the devil, in Gethsemane, Christ was in as Talmage said: “the supreme contest with the powers of evil” an “hour of anguish when Christ had to meet and overcome all the horrors that Satan could inflict.”[12] The Savior’s perfectly righteous character allowed Him to remain sinless even when bound with the same chains which bind us. This is what Paul meant when he said that Christ “was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.”[13] Paul also explained that Christ “who knew no sin,” “was made to be sin.”[14]

Christ was therefore placed under the exact same temptations I am. He was handicapped by the effects of my previous sins, as well as the afflictions, pains, sicknesses, and infirmities, that I have suffered. Yet, because of the attributes which made his character perfect, he was able to resist and overcome the power of the Devil. He overcame the effects, the captivity, of sin. He broke the bands of the second death which is spiritual death.

Because He has literally and perfectly been “where we are,” and yet remained sinless, when we turn to Him and qualify ourselves for His grace through our humility, broken hearts, and contrite spirits, He “knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations.”[15] As Paul taught, “For in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succor them that are tempted.”[16] Christ’s temptations were not just those he experienced in his own mortal life. He does not understand temptation in general terms. Rather he knows intimately and perfectly the temptations that we face and the sum influence of our previous choices as well as the circumstances over which we have no control. Having broken free of the same chains which bind us, He knows just what character attributes he needs to bestow upon us to enable us to likewise break free. This is the enabling power of the Atonement: the Grace, or divinely given strength, to do more than we ourselves are able.

Therefore when we repent and come unto Christ, we are truly made “a new creature.”[17] This freedom from the power of sin to cloud our minds, is what the Bible Dictionary means when it teaches that repentance is: “a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.”[18]

Elder Bednar taught about repentance. He also teaches about the next step in our progress to “be perfect, even as [He] is.” “The gospel of Jesus Christ encompasses much more than avoiding, overcoming, and being cleansed from sin and the bad influences in our lives; it also essentially entails doing good, being good, and becoming better. Repenting of our sins and seeking forgiveness are spiritually necessary, and we must always do so. But remission of sin is not the only or even the ultimate purpose of the gospel. To have our hearts changed by the Holy Spirit such that “we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually”, as did King Benjamin’s people, is the covenant responsibility we have accepted. This mighty change is not simply the result of working harder or developing greater individual discipline. Rather, it is the consequence of a fundamental change in our desires, our motives, and our natures made possible through the Atonement of Christ the Lord. Our spiritual purpose is to overcome both sin and the desire to sin, both the taint and the tyranny of sin.”[19]

This change of heart that comes about through the power and grace of the Atonement is one of the greatest goals we can have here in mortality. The freedom from the taint of sin leads so smoothly to the development of Christ-like attributes. Elder Hafen Described the process this way: “We grow in two ways—removing negative weeds and cultivating positive flowers. The Savior's grace blesses both parts—if we do our part. First and repeatedly we must uproot the weeds of sin and bad choices. It isn't enough just to mow the weeds. Yank them out by the roots, repenting fully to satisfy the conditions of mercy. But being forgiven is only part of our growth. We are not just paying a debt. Our purpose is to become celestial beings. So once we've cleared our heartland, we must continually plant, weed, and nourish the seeds of divine qualities.”[20]

An integral part of overcoming the damning power of sin, is recognizing the need for the Savior and humbling ourselves sufficiently to seek his help with real intent. The Lord taught that, “The Sabbath was made for man.”[21] Perhaps the most important thing we can do on the Sabbath is partake of the Sacrament. As we eat and drink, “in remembrance of [Him]”[22] we are given an opportunity to realize anew our dependence and need for the intercession of the Savior.

Perhaps that is why Paul, in talking about the armor of God, about protection from the power of sin, said that we must “pray always.”[23] It seems that if there is always a prayer in our hearts, that is if out thought and desires are turned to God continually, that we would always retain in remembrance our need for the Savior. We are less likely to be deceived by darkness when we are focusing on the Light of the World.

In this vein I can better understand James admonition to “count it a joy when ye fall into many afflictions,”[24] and Paul’s exclamation that “we glory in tribulations.”[25] Trials and afflictions are in reality opportunities to remember the Redeemer and our need for his help, thereby taking the first step in freeing ourselves for the captivity of sin.

Likewise our weaknesses and imperfections should be seen as a wonderful opportunity to remember and experience the grace of God in our lives. In Paul’s words: “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”[26]

This understanding has been an invaluable blessing to my life as I have struggled with my trials. For reasons I do not understand the Lord has allowed me to be tempted and afflicted with feelings of Same Gender Attraction. But understanding the nature of sin and the compensatory power of the Atonement has greatly increased my faith in the Savior’s ability to save me from the chains that I have allowed the devil to place upon me. I know that He can give me the strength necessary to break my own addictions to pornography and masturbation. I am completely unable to do so myself. I have tainted my own soul by yielding to the enticing temptations of that evil one who is seeking the destruction of my soul. However, the infinite power of the Atonement, of which I am not worthy, can break those bonds and free me. I have witnessed and felt that power in my own life. I know that these things are true. As I continue to strive to do good and become more Christ-like, the Savior will bless me with his own attributes. I am eternally grateful for what Christ has done for me. He has made it possible for me to leave this world ready to meet Him. “For I shall see Him as He is, and I shall be like Him.”[27]

References

[1] Luke 4:18

[2] John 8:34

[3] 2 Nephi 2:27

[4] Romans 6:12

[5] Hebrews 3:13

[6] The Peacegiver, James Ferrell

[7] 1 John 1:8

[8] Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Point of No Return,” Ensign May 2007.

[9] John 8:32

[10] John 8:36

[11] Alma 7:13

[12] James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ

[13] Hebrews 4:15

[14] 2 Corinthians 5:21

[15] 2 Peter 2:9

[16] Hebrews 2:18

[17] 2 Corinthians 5:17

[18] Bible Dictionary, “Repentance.”

[19] Elder David A. Bednar, “Clean Hands and A Pure Heart.” Ensign, November 2007.

[20] Elder Bruce C. Hafen, “The Atonement: All for All.” Ensign, May 2004

[21] Mark 6:27

[22] Luke 22:19

[23] Ephesians 6:18

[24] James 1:2

[25] Romans 5:3

[26] 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

[27] 1 John 3:2

Looking Upward

2007-12-01T21:42:00.000-08:00

In General Conference a year ago Elder Wirthlin talked about an eternal principle. I have seen this principle prove true in my own life over the past couple of days. He said that we will all have Fridays in our lives, and he wasn't talking about end-of-the-workweek Fridays. He was talking about Suffer-the-Atonement-be-betrayed-get-crucified-and-forsaken Fridays and watch-the-Savior-of-the-world-die-and-all-hope-with-him Fridays. Elder Wirthlin then said that no matter how dark and difficult our Friday's become, we need to remember one thing: Sunday will come. Again, not have-to-sit-through-meetings Sunday, but rather Rise-from-the-dead-in-Glory Sundays and Witness-the-Savior's-resurrection Sundays.

Thursday morning was definitely a Friday for me (see last post). However, since Thursday evening, I have been living in Sunday. I feel a need to testify of the blessings of the Lord. In doing so, I don't mean to offend anyone. This is just what I have witnessed in my own life.

Thursday night I met with my Bishop. We talked for a while about "P" and then began to discuss the interview with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman. I let him know how I felt about the attitude that many leaders and members of the Church (especially BYU-I religion teachers) have that I have named Wickmanism. It is the "Quit feeling bad for yourself and just get over your problems. They are just the now. Eventually, you will be happy. Just trust us." attitude. I told my Bishop that sometimes that was hard for me to really believe. He then explained that one way to view this challenge is as a special opportunity to exercise faith. He said that when we have all the answers to and things are going well, especially when we are blessed as soon as we keep the commandments, our faith gets to be lazy. It is only in the times when we don't understand and when it is hard to believe that our faith is tested and stretched and allowed to grow.

I don't know why, but that really hit me as true. I had never thought of it that way. So in a way I can feel sorry for all the Mormons who live the "ideal" life. As C.S. Lewis said(and I am paraphrasing): We have no room to be proud of our blessings and the ease of our life. When things go well, we should look and say: If I had been stronger, the Lord would have put me in a more difficult position. I think the opposite applies as well. When we look at our lives and think "Damn, this is hard. The Lord must not care about me very much." We ought to look and say "Wow, the Lord must know that I am pretty strong and capable or else he never would given me such a difficult assignment."

My Bishop also pointed out that he agreed with me. As he read the interviews the though had come to him that Elder Oaks has had someone very close to him experience SSA, whereas Elder Wickman had no understanding of the issue and just recited the "correct answer." I felt a lot better that my Bishop felt the same way.

So, the next morning in my Ed Psych class I had a really neat experience. There has been this guy in my class that I have sat next to all semester and tried to get to know better. At times I have felt like I wasn't getting anywhere with the friendship. Just a note: He is married, too and the same age as I am. For the most part, I am really not sexually attracted to him althoug ther have been moments. (More on that in a minute) Anyway, our professor asks us a question and gives us two minutes to discuss it. Well, this guy turns to me and says, "So what are your plans for next weekend?" I told him we didn't have any. He says, "My wife and I wanted you and your wife to come riding with us. Would you like to?" So, since my wife and I moved back from our summer on a ranch in Nebraska I have had to sell all my horses and really miss riding. That was a major stress reliever for me. I am so excited about getting to ride, but that pales in comparison to the excitement of having another male ask me to do something with him.

Then he starts to ask me what I thought about Elder Oaks talk in this General Conference 'Good, Better, Best.' He tells me that he is really concerned about how he is going to handle all the different activities as a parent and wanted my advice. We talked after class for about twenty minutes. The whole time I am just standing there thinking, "I can't believe this is actually happening. Here I am talking to a guy who respects me enough to talk to me about something like this." Anyway, It really gave me hope that I am not doomed to failure in building healthy male relationships.

Then that evening, my wife decided to stay at her parents house after work and encouraged me to call my only real friend from High school that I have see like twice since I got home form my mission. I know, pretty pathetic. I was doubtful that he would have time seeing that I was calling him for the same night. Well, he did. We got together and went out to dinner and spent about 4 hours just talking. I had forgotten just how much we have in common. I was on cloud nine the whole evening. It felt so good to relate to another guy and feel like he cared about and understood what I was thinking and feeling. I am probably going to confide in him about my SSA sometime soon. I made him promise that he wouldn't let another year go by. We kind of committed to getting together once every other week or so. That will be really good for me.

I have noticed that as I develop healthy, intimate relationships with other men, that sexual attraction to them fades. I remember at times in high school fantasizing about this friend of mine, but as I spent more time and built a very strong friendship with him although we didn't have much time to hang out later in High School, I no longer felt anything for him sexually. It just seemed wrong. The same thing has happened with this guy in my class. I was really attracted to him at the beginning of the semester, but now I just can't think about him in a sexual way. I respect him too much.

After my wife's hell week at work, last night she was a lot more relaxed. We talked a lot about how I felt and she was so understanding. I really love her. I am so glad that I can talk to her and not have to be all macho, but can express my feelings and still feel like she respects and loves me. I got her an appointment for a massage today and she was a lot more relaxed and happy after that. We had a great evening together.

I'm sure that there are countless other "Fridays" ahead for me as I continue my climb upward. However, I know that Sunday will always come. One last thought that has been on my mind since my Bishop mentioned it: I actually am glad that the Lord does not work on a short term basis. He is in this thing for the long haul, until we are like Him. I know that I am a hell of a long way from that point and if the Lord worked on the short term, He would have given up on me a long time ago. I am so grateful that He is patient and willing to give me all the experiences that I need to become like Him. However, that blessing comes with the "challenge" that the Lord doesn't work on the short term. In other words, we need to be as patient with Him and His time line as he is with us. I know that is not easy. It takes a tremendous amount of faith. But how could we develop the faith necessary to return to live with Him if everything was given to us immediately?

I know that the Gospel is true even if some who are called to lead the Church are imperfect. I know that Christ lives and that God is our Heavenly Father. Most of all I know that they love each of us and are far more patient, understanding, and willing to forgive and help us than we are ready to elieve. That doesn't mean that they will make it easy, but they will make us more like Them. I am so grateful that I am not in this fight alone. I cannot begin to describe the blessing it is to have others, my wife, good friends, and particularly you who read thins and send support and advice. Thanks for helping this lost traveler who is just trying to find his way back home.

Venting

2007-11-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

This is really going to be a vent session. I'm sure I won't feel quite this way later today, but these feelings are very real for now.

Sometimes I get so angry at the way the Church handles issues like same gender attraction. The advice is just to pray more and read your scriptures then everything will be okay. I wish that even just one of the apostles had faced these feeling in his own life. Maybe then someone would begin to give counsel that really is helpful to those in the situation.

I really don’t know what more could be said. I just get frustrated with all the promises that I hear on such a regular basis. The biggest among these is if you keep the commandments, you will be happy. I am keeping the commandments. I say my prayers. I read the scriptures daily. I am not happy.

I feel so lonely. Sometimes I can’t imagine the gay lifestyle being any more lonely or difficult. I understand temptations, but feeling this strongly from so deep in my heart is just cruelty. If God allows me to feel this way and still demands my obedience to a law of chastity, how can he be considered loving?

I've had a rough couple of day's with my relationship with my wife. She has had some rough days at school and that frustration has carried over into our relationship. So now I feel really alone.

It is so easy to believe that there is a man out there who would be willing to help me feel wanted and appreciated and still value my needs and desires. Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe this is as good as my life is meant to get. I guess I should just be content with the hell I’m living.

Longing and Fear

2007-11-23T18:16:00.000-08:00

I haven’t journaled nearly like I should have. So, this is going to be long.

I just had a very emotional dream where a mission friend of mine and I became friends again. He wanted some food from the country we served in. Anyway, I patched things up with him in the dream just before I woke up this morning. It was such a powerful dream. The feelings were so strong even after I woke up. He lives here in the same town as I do, but I haven’t seen him once, even though he’s been home for over a year. I had some pretty deep and powerful feelings for him on my mission and although I tried so hard to cover them up, I felt like he figured it out just before I got transferred. I simply haven’t had the guts to contact him and see how he responds.

Last weekend my wife and I were in Wal-Mart when we ran into a friend form High School that I haven’t seen since graduation. He was one of the first guys I ever really had a crush on. We had a few classes together and I wanted so badly for our casual relationship to be something deeper that I turned to fantasizing about sexual “male bonding.” Those feelings for him as well as the deeper emotional needs came flooding back to me that night. It is sometimes hard to truly believe with all my heart that acting on my sexual desires won’t fulfill those emotional needs.

I know that I need to some how develop healthy relationships with other men, but I am scared. I just don’t know how. I guess the feeling that I am having strongest right now is one of regret. I truly regret having let so many opportunities for friendship slip right through my fingers. I have been so afraid of re-experiencing the rejection I felt as a child, that I still keep myself emotionally detached and when the other guy doesn’t seem super excited about a the friendship, I cut him off. I can’t believe I have been so stupid! There are so many mission and High School friends that I could try to rebuild friendships with. But I don’t.

I want to justify myself and say that I am too busy, but that is a lie. I choose to spend the time in the safety of my home with my wife. I know that is a good thing, but I’ll never fill my deep needs for male companionship and friendship if I don’t try. I’m too afraid. I really don’t know what I’m afraid of. Rejection? If I never put myself on the line, I can’t be rejected because of who I am. Would rejection really be any different than never trying? Yet, is it really possible for ME to develop a relationship that is meaningful and fills my needs? Or will being around another man and getting closer to him, just make my longing for something more worse?

Who am I anyway? I have so long identified myself by labels and interests. Wrestler, Piano player, good student, cowboy. I like good music. I like to read. But who AM I? I believe I am a son of God. But what does that mean in my life today? I can’t bring myself to consign myself to the happiness that homework and work bring. Isn’t there more to life? Can the purpose of this life really be to just get through each day without leaving too many things undone? Sometimes I feel nothing more than obligation to live the perfect life: family, school, work, church callings, is that really all there is to life. Then why does my life feel so damn meaningless?

There are moments when I feel like things are okay and that happiness really does come from living by the Gospel, then I have days like today and I just want to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. The inner contradiction just seems like to much to handle. I hate it.

Earlier this week I had a really good talk with my wife about my issues. I discussed my need to feel friendship with another male. She was so supportive and kind. She listened for 4 hours while I vented. Then I went and gave in to my habit of P and M that night! What the hell was I thinking? That had been the first relapse since my “Decision.” I told her about it the next afternoon and she was so good to me. I don’t deserve her. I am going to do better, but days like this really make it hard to control my feelings.

We had a really nice time at my wife’s family on Thanksgiving. It is a little hard because her brother, who’s 20, is pretty good-looking and really cool as well. I feel so awkward around him. I feel so damned awkward around any guy. Then we spent today with my family. I helped my dad with some projects around the yard. That was good. It took my mind off of things for a little while.

I read an e-mail conversation between my dad’s siblings about Sister Beck’s General Conference Talks. Apparently a number of women across the country have spoken out against her portrayal of the ideal LDS women. Although I really didn’t feel too strongly about that particular issue I felt that the discussion could have just as easily been about a General Authority’s comments about Same-Sex Attraction. A couple of my Uncles and my Aunt were fairly blunt that anyone who felt bad about the Church’s portrayal of the “Ideal Life” must be steeped in sin and not have the Holy Ghost with them. Anyone who was depressed about anything relating to the ideals of the Church just doesn’t have a testimony. I wanted so badly to write something. It made me so angry!

If anyone were to observe my life it would seem so good and perfect. The thing is that nobody gets to see what goes on inside my head. No one else has to deal with the feelings raging inside me.

I don’t know what I was really trying to say other than venting my feelings and confusion. Sorry it was long. Thanks to anyone who is reading this.

Up and Down

2007-11-10T09:32:00.000-08:00

This process is sure a long one. Thanks so much for your supportive messages. I means so much to finally have others know and still want to help.

I spoke with my Bishop on Thursday night. I was nervous about how he would respond. I didn't think I could handle anything but support. He just said, "I'm unfamiliar with Same Gender Attraction, but have received a lot of information form Salt Lake. I need to study up on it." He was so supportive and positive. He was so grateful that I told him and was starting the process of changing. He told me he did have experience with pornography and gave me some very helpful counsel about how do deal with that addiction. I was amazed at the love he showed me. He gave me a blessing and the part that really stuck out to me was that he blessed me with patience, not only with myself as I work to overcome this, but also toward those who would try to help. It felt so good to finally know that I had done what I needed to be right before the Lord. I know that the repentance process is far form over, but the hardest part is.

Yesterday I was hit with the realization that this battle is far from over. The previous couple of days had been really easy for me as far as the feelings for other men are concerned. I guess I had kind of hoped that the process was beginning to work But today they were back with a vengeance. It was a little depressing.

Also, I think that the reality of the situation hit my wife. She was very quiet. She doesn't feel that she is quite ready to talk about all of her thoughts and feelings. I can totally understand that. I have had years to work out how I feel about my situation and I'm still in the dark. I can only imagine how she is feeling after three days. Still, it is hard. She is really my only friend and with our relationship strained, (still filled with love, but awkward) I struggle. She did tell me that she still loves me and needs to realize that I am the same person I was before. I've been dealing with these feelings all along; the only difference now is that I am getting help and she knows.

This morning has been a lot better though. I have learned that I need to be proactive about being ready for feelings and temptations. I simply cannot afford to neglect daily prayer, scripture study, or serving my wife.

This journey sure isn't going to be easy. Before when I turned to P and M to satisfy my urges, I was able to somewhat repress them. Now I can only pray for the strength to resist long enough for my heart to begin to change. No, this won't be easy. Still, I know there is hope. I cannot begin to describe my feelings of gratitude to the Lord. The reassurance and love that I have felt form him are overwhelming at times. Has he taken away my trials? No. But I no longer feel so alone and powerless. Someday, the pull of attraction to men will have no power over me. Until that day? I keep reaching upward.

Again thanks so much for your advice and support. I will continue to stay in touch.

Making the Decision

2007-11-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

I wrote this on Tuesday of this week, the day I decided to finally deal with my feelings of Same Sex Attraction rather than giving into it. I post it here in hopes that it might be of some help to someone else who is struggling to make the same decision.

Right now I am standing on a narrow ledge. I’m hundreds of feet down from the top of the cliff. Above me is an un-climbable wall devoid of hand holds. I cannot ascend more than a few feet. The only direction I can go now is down. That is what I’ve been doing for the last year and a half. Now I am here as far down as I can inch. Below me is the great unknown. I see clouds far below me. They look like little sheep, they’re so far down. The ledge on which I stand is very narrow. I have barely enough room to stand. Here on this little ledge I am being torn apart. Feelings inside of me are screaming “Jump!” These voices are as real and as powerful as anything I’ve ever known. They tell me that freedom is below. True happiness awaits. It is easy to believe. Things both above and here on the ledge are hard, unhappy. I don’t fit in. This part of my being yearns for something real. It swears that it is right, natural. I never asked for these feelings. It’s not my fault that they’re here. Maybe I do belong down there, wherever that is. Jump! Go for it! Do it before it’s too late! Live true to yourself, don’t let them make you miserable. Why shouldn’t you just do what you’ve always wanted?

Another other part of me resists. I look down into the void below. As I contemplate jumping, it tries to convince me not to. It throws out so many reasons. Some say it isn’t worth it. Only pain and misery lie at the bottom. Still, I know that pain and sadness are part of the life above as well. Why is one pain better than another? Your family will be disappointed and hurt. Your wife will be devastated. How could you do that to her? How could you be so selfish to do just what you want? These feelings are wicked and wrong. What have I always wanted? To feel loved, accepted. To belong and to be valued. Why can’t they understand that. Why is it so wrong to need a friend, to need some one who cares about me? Why must I always be the one to sacrifice? They always say sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven. Where are they? Why am I so unhappy and unfulfilled? How can it be my fault? If these feelings are such an abomination why are they here inside of me? Why do I have struggle so hard just to get through life? Where is the joy? I have tried so hard, so very hard, to live as I should. To do everything just right. How can a life so miserable, be divinely appointed? I’ve tried so many times to get back on top, I doubt I actually can. One by one, the first army of voices defeats and disarms every attempt to stop me from jumping. The war inside me is destroying the battlefield. I feel my heart being torn, broken. Tears pour from my eyes.

And then, from deep inside another voice cries out. It is barley audible, scarcely more than a feeling. “Please,” it pleads, “remember.” Remember what? All of my pain? All of the things I’ve never experienced? It doesn’t react defensively to my anger. In the same soft tone it answers. “Remember how you’ve felt when you were close to me. Remember the times before, on other cliffs, when you were ready to jump, so tired of the struggle. You were not alone. You are not alone now. You’ve never been alone. I Am here with you. You don’t have to jump. You don’t have to do this. I promise that you will not be happy. The others up above don’t always see clearly. That life is not what matters. However, it is the only way that you can find your way to the life that awaits. You are not as alone up there as you might think. I have friends who will help you. They won’t judge you. You will meet many, even those who claim to be my friends who will still hurt you. But my friends will only help you. You’re right. You can’t get back up. But with their help and with my power, the way is open if you so choose. I know that right now the choice is not easy. The way to return will be difficult. It may take a very long time. But I promise that it is worth every second, every pang of discomfort. You aren’t sure right now whether you believe me. I do not condemn your uncertainty. I can only plead that you will believe me. I have been in your shoes. I have heard the voices you hear, but please, please don’t listen. I was able to resist their allure. And yes, they are alluring and they are powerful. But I did it and I know you can, too. I will help you and guide you every step of the way. I know the way to a happier life. Take my hand, please.”

I paused for a moment, the truth of his words slowly sinking into my heart. I had felt happy before, fleeting moments. I had somehow survived other ledges, other calls to jump. Could the promise of a life beyond the one above really be true? If it was he couldn’t jump. If all the voice said really was true, it would be worth anything to achieve it. Could I find the path to true joy above? Would I find the love and companionship I needed up there?

At this thought, the first voices respond with demonic power. They scream inside my head and heart. “Don’t listen to his lies!” they order. “That’s just the remains of the false traditions of your fathers. Nothing matters but the here and now. There is no happiness to be found above. Jump now before it’s too late!” The last voice is quiet but strong. It resists the attacks of the first easily. In the quiet, meek pleas I now see a wrath against these feelings. He sees them as his enemy, our enemy. The enemy of the man I could become and the life and joy I could have. He strikes with vengeance and precision. Still the feelings in side of me are strong. They fight with a fury I have never known. The war inside me is destroying the battlefield. I feel my heart being torn, broken. Tears pour from my eyes.

I know of the strength and power and rage of these feelings. Somehow now they seem weak, even afraid. Many times before, I had thought “Maybe I could try to climb up again.” At the thought the feelings seemed to give up, but now I see that they were secretly laughing. “Go ahead and try.” They would scoff. They knew I’d fall again, sliding further and further down the cliff. Each time they grew stronger. Each time they pulled a little harder and a little further. They continued this game, until now I am here as low as I can go without jumping. Why don’t they play the game again? Could it be that they fear the power of the voice? Could he really have the power to bring me back to the top, free from their grasp?

I look upward and see for the first time a thin cord just above my head. A small note is attached to the end. I can barely make out the words. “Pull for help.” Was this the way to meet the friends he promised to send? Would they really come? Or would I simply prolong and enlarge my pain and misery, falling again to this same place just later, maybe too late to find the freedom the feelings promised? I don’t know. I really don’t. But I do know one thing. I can’t stay here. The war will destroy me. I either jump or reach up. Down the easy, fast way or up a painful, difficult process. What do I really want?

Breathing deep, I close my eyes and. . .

Reach upward.