My "Best Friend" and Realistic Male Friendships

I posted a lot of this in response to another post on one of the North Star discussion groups.
I have thought a lot about this in my life and felt like I should post this here as well.

A while back I was consumed with a desire to find a "Best friend." Some other guy who I could do everything with. Some guy who understood me completely and who I would always call to talk with or go hang out with. I never found that someone. That sort of relationship has eluded me. I used to be very discouraged that I didn't have a "Best Friend."

I think that I've come to the conclusion that it really isn't a realistic or even desirable thing. I will admit that marriage can be a relationship where you're the most important person to your spouse, a "Best Friend" relationship, but the relationship I have with my wife doesn't fill that desire completely. She is the most important person in the world to me and I know that I am to her. I also feel completely safe with her. I know that she'll never leave me or try to hurt me. She really is my best friend.

Still, there has been a similar desire to find that sort of a relationship with a guy as well. I know for sure that no man is supposed to be completely consumed in his relationship with his wife to the point where he doesn't need other male friends--deeply fulfilling, intimate friendships. A man who believes that is going to find that he is never quite happy. However, I've come to the conclusion that the more I think about finding a deep and permanent soul mate in another guy, the more disappointed I am going to be. I don't think that is how God created us to relate to other men.

Over time, I've been able to change the way I think about my relationships with other men. I've come to find that more important than being someone else's best friend, is being a true friend to someone else. The more honest and authentic I am with other men and the more open and vulnerable I am with them, the more they reciprocate. Even more, when I am completely authentic, I feel a deep connection with other men, that truly nourishes my soul. I have friends that I only see a few times a year, if that. Still when I interact with those friends I feel as loved and accepted as I can imagine. I don't necessarily feel that way about guys in my elder's quorum who I see every week, because I am not as open and authentic with them.

I know for sure that it is possible to develop friendships that are deep and meaningful enough to fill the void we feel. It can take a some time, but most of all it takes trust and risk to be completely authentic and real. The best way to go about filling that void is to find as many sources of love as possible. When I was trying to get everything I needed from a single source (even my wife!) I would end up draining the relationship and still feeling empty. But by getting my quota of love from a lot of different relationships, I am not only filled with joy, but those relationships can go on forever without wearing out. And the longer they go, the deeper and more fulfilling they get. I can't wait for eternity with my wife and my beloved brothers!

Marriage, Dating, and SSA Men

So, I've been thinking about the topic of marriage as it relates to men with
SSA for a while now. I tend to feel a surge of emotion when I've heard so
many men express the idea that they are sure that they won't be married in
this life. I fear that will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy that isn't
necessarily meant to be true.

The key culprit in this issue is the idea that "I don't date girls because
I'm not attracted to them." Let me explain a bit more. Guys who I hear say
this usually have a follow-up explanation that basically says: "If at some
point, by some miracle, I develop attractions for women I'm totally open to
the idea of getting married, but since I don't feel any attraction to them,
it isn't fair for me to date them, and frankly, I don't have any desire to."

I strongly believe that this attitude is motivated by the enemy of our
souls. He would like nothing more than for us to put off courting and
dating until we are "attracted to women." This is because he knows that if
we do, the attractions to women will most likely never come.

I'm a firm believer that one of the most effective way to develop sexual
attractions to women is to develop a deep emotional bond with that woman.
One of the most effective ways to develop a deep emotional bond with a woman
is to spend time with and to serve that woman. Dating provides an excellent
opportunity to spend time with and to serve a woman.

I wonder if the Church-School Culture isn't at least partly to blame here.
Dating is not about going on a date with a woman who you can imagine
yourself marrying. I think dating is more about the process of getting to
know someone and figuring out if there is any possibility that you might be
able to find joy in a marriage with that someone. That process not only
takes time, it requires actually going through the process.

I kind of got sucked into dating my wife. We were totally not dating for
the first 2 months we were hanging out. She started it all. She asked me
to go walking with her one night, because no one else would go with her. I
had barely met her three nights before at our Singles' Branch Family Home
Evening. I felt bad for her needing to get out and walk, but not feeling
safe that late at night. I grudgingly left my interesting and extremely
isolated evening routine to go walk with this girl from the branch. I found
out I kinda enjoyed spending time with her and talking to her. So when she
said she wanted to get together again, I just blurted out that there was a
Multi-Stake dance that weekend. For the next couple of months we spent a
lot of time together. Then one night we were in my parent's basement
watching a movie. She told me about her week (one in which she had spent
some time with some other guys). I started to experience this
uncomfortable feeling in my stomach when she told me that she was
considering dating one of them. I liked spending time with her and, after
all, she was my only friend. It's not like I wanted to marry her or even
kiss her. I just wanted to have to to myself so I could spend time with
her.

For the next 2 months, I thought up every way I could possibly come up with
to break up with her without breaking her heart. I made numerous plans just
to break it off, only to lose my nerve when the moment came. Finally, I
settled on what seemed like a fool-proof strategy. I committed to an
Internship 14 hours away. I would move away and the distance would simply
be too much for the relationship. She wouldn't take it personally and I
would avoid having to tell her that I wasn't interested in marrying her.
Everything was going perfectly, until the night that I realized I loved
her. I was totally unprepared for that 2x4 to the head. I mean I knew I
really like her and cared about her and enjoyed spending time with her. But
that wasn't love. There sure as hell wasn't any sexual attraction. At
least that's what I had been telling myself. After that, I was really
confused. I loved her but I wasn't sexually attracted to her. I couldn't
picture having sex with her. I had no idea what to do.

However, once I realized that I loved her, the craziest things started
happening. My body started having physiological responses. When we cuddled
or kissed, my pulse quickened and I started breathing funny. Blood started
flowing to new places. Over time, I found myself thinking about her in ways
that I'd not previously thought about her, and much to my dismay, I wasn't
repulsed at the thought.

Before I knew it I had asked her to marry me and move to Nebraska with me
while I did my internship. There's a lot of other crap that came from me
being stupid and not addressing my SSA before my marriage. I was dumb and
naive enough to think that once I had an appropriate outlet for my sexual
energy, the SSA would just fade away. Oh, boy was I ever wrong! Things got
a lot worse before they got better. However, I know that the process of my
falling in love with my wife was real.

I know a couple of friends who say that the process of sexual/emotional
attraction tends to happen backwards for men with SSA. I agree with this.
For a large number of straight men, the reason they date a woman in the
first place is because they think she's hot and they want to find out if
there is any way they can get along with her emotionally. So the sexual
attraction comes first and then as they spend time with her, an emotional
attraction develops. We don't get the same hormonal jump start to dating.
We spend time with her, develop that emotional attractions and then
eventually develop a sexual attraction. But the dating part is still
essential to developing the necessary emotional attraction.

I know this has been incredibly long and maybe it's too much, but the bottom
line is that if SSA men have any interest in someday getting married, they've gotta
date now regardless of the level of sexual attraction that they currently feel
toward women.

A Call to Arms

I heard this song yesterday and immediately thought of my last post. It's like the perfect soundtrack.

"I Had a Dream" and now I have one

So, lately I've been pondering the direction my life should go. Not in a way that would allow for any major changes. My chosen career path is pretty well set in stone. It has been confirmed too many times to change now. Getting through the rest of my schooling is one of my top priorities. But a couple of weeks ago, I lost my job. I had been planning on staying with that job for at least another three years. I found a temporary job, but it really wasn't working out, so I resigned yesterday. I have a bunch of applications in and I'm very optimistic about the probability of finding a job. Still, such a major shake to my world has caused a me to think quite a bit about what the Lord wants from me.

Also this last week, we've added two new members to our support group. That feels really good. I love knowing that something I've done actually benefits another person. But at the same time I'm discouraged when I think about all those individuals who are still struggling in quiet desperation; when I think of the parents and friends who don't know what to do when their son or daughter tells them that he or she is gay; when I think of the church leaders who don't know how to help members who come to them with issues of same-sex attraction.

I want to yell with the voice of an angel to tell everyone how it is. I want be able to reach every ear and penetrate every heart with the sword of the spirit. At the same time, I tell myself that I'm a nobody. I'm not a psychologist yet. I'm not in any position of authority in the church. I'm not even perfect. How can I make much difference? There are so many deeply entrenched beliefs about same-sex attraction that simply are not true and those beliefs are wide-spread. What can I possibly do to change anything?

Last night I had an interesting dream. I was waiting outside of a building for a group of men to come out of a meeting. It was the committee in charge of the LDS Family Services response to same-sex attraction. As the committee came out, I saw a number of men who are very prominent in the LDS Same-sex attraction community. Most of them have not experienced the effects of same-sex attraction in their lives. Most of them are still influenced by thoughts and ideas that are, quite frankly, ridiculous and out-dated. Yet these men were the ones deciding how the members of the church were going to respond to same-sex attraction. I remember expressing the thought "But you don't understand the issue!"

Their reply was immediate, "How dare you question us? We are the one's the Lord has chosen to make these decisions."

I woke up shorty after that. The response I didn't get the chance to say was still burnign in my mind and heart. "No, you're just all He has to work with right now."

Then I got an email from a friend and role-model of mine. He quoted President Monson as saying:

"In professional business, scientific work, and technological life, there is a rule which can be a very good one for ambitious young persons. The rule is this: Find a vacuum and expand into it. Ask yourself, 'What is there that needs doing and is not being done?' Then assess you capacity for doing things, and let it be your ambition to do the work that you can do best, in an area where it’s needed most, and then put all of your mind to it."

This quote really struck me with power.

It seems to me that the Lord is calling each one of us to step up and do what needs to be done. He doesn't want us to expect others to do it and then criticize their perceived lack of action while we wait lazily on the sidelines. It is up to each of us to many things of our own free will and bring to pass much good.

This understanding me has given me the power and motivation to undertake tasks that once seemed daunting. The Lord wants me to expand into the void that currently exists regarding education about same-sex attraction. He wants me to grow and stretch.

I only hope that I am not the only one attempting to fill this massive void, though even if I am, I know that I can anything the Lord desires as long as I have His help.

Amazing New Book

So, I just had the opportunity to read a book. I have had great intentions of writing a really neat, professional review to post all over the place, but with school and the whole mess with work (more on that later), I'm going to have to postpone that until future notice.

No Going Back by Jonathan Langford is an amazing book. It is the story of a teenage boy who learns to come to terms with his membership in the Church and his same-sex attractions. It is written with an exceptional understanding of the challenges of being both gay and Mormon. The author is sensitive to a wide variety of feelings and opinions. Through his writing, the author challenges each one of us to re-examine our own beliefs closely while at the same time developing understanding and tolerance for others' beliefs. This novel is a very uplifting story about the struggle between desires and faith. It is about the strength of the human spirit and the power of true friendships.

I am very happy I read this book and wish everyone I know would read it. For members of The LDS Church who might be cautious of the subject matter, I would say that this is a doctrinally sound book; it remains in harmony with the teachings of Christ. To people who do not belong to the LDS faith, this book is not an attack on gays in any way. It is neither homophobic nor bigoted. It is simply a story about a boy who realizes that he has the ability to decide what he wants to do with his life.

I highly recommend that everyone reading my blog buy and read this book! It is available from Amazon here: No Going Back.

Here are some other reviews of the book and the blurb from the back cover:

A gay teenage Mormon growing up in western Oregon in 2003. His straight best friend. Their parents. A typical LDS ward, a high-school club about tolerance for gays, and a proposed anti-gay-marriage amendment to the state constitution. In NO GOING BACK, these elements combine in a coming-of-age story about faithfulness and friendship, temptation and redemption, tough choices and conflicting loyalties.

“No Going Back is not just for anyone with same sex attraction. It is a must for leaders who work with those struggling with these choices, as well as for family and friends as they love, reject, support, or fail to understand what such a struggle costs.” — Linda Hunter Adams, former director of the BYU Humanities Publications Center, past president of the Association for Mormon Letters

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“Jonathan Langford’s No Going Back is a heartfelt, heart breaking, and ultimately enriching tale of what it means to be a fifteen year old Mormon boy who truly wants only to do what is right, but is faced with the terrifying fact that he is gay. The main character’s troubling journey is honest and sheds light on one of the most difficult dilemmas facing hundreds, if not thousands, of young Mormons who just want it to go away. Langford writes honestly without becoming bogged down in the politics surrounding this issue.” — Gerald Argetsinger, Associate Professor of Performing Arts, Rochester Institute of Technology; former Artistic Director of the LDS Church’s Hill Cumorah Pageant

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“As I began reading, I found myself engaged with the characters and sharing their hopes and fears.... To me this was an important work, exploring the territory of coming-of-age in the challenging context of same-sex attraction in a young man whose honest faith forbids acting out the behaviors associated with the attraction. The characterizations of the bishop, the best friend, the parent and the population of the school and church communities were credible and empathetic. As I read it, I often thought that this book should be required reading for bishops and others who are called upon to help youth navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence and faith.” — Evan A. Ballard, former bishop, father of seven

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“People are my area of interest. All people. For years, same sex attraction has been an area that I have tried to understand so that I can be compassionate or helpful to those that struggle.... I found the book to be a page turner and for me that says a lot. There were times that I wanted to take it with me as I rode in the car so that I could continue reading. I was anxious for the day to end so that I could pick it up again. The characters in the book felt very real to me.” — Connie Bankston, mother of five, long-time stake specialist working with LDS Family Services

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“The story opens a window into the often silent and lonely world of a young man who is coming to understand his same-sex attraction while he experiences the ignorance and cruelty of an intolerant society. Paul’s experiences with his family, his best friend, his church leaders, and his peer group tell not just the story of a gay young man coming of age, but a very human story that any person who has struggled to find himself will relate to. What makes this story most gripping for me is the intersection of Paul’s strong religious beliefs, his desire to be happy with himself, and his loyalty to those he loves most. Paul’s personal struggle also sends shock-waves through the lives of those closest to him, as they dig deep within themselves to find what matters most.” — Brian Burns, professional counselor, former Scoutmaster

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“For perhaps 72 hours after reading No Going Back, it was almost the only thing I thought about. You have touched very sensitively, compassionately, and thoughtfully on a very important topic about which Mormons are almost completely silent.... I see this book as an essential first step in opening a viable dialogue about a struggle that is very real for many members of the church. In truth, I believe this book will save someone’s life.” — Clark Draney, Associate Professor of English, College of Southern Idaho

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“Two main aspects of my life coincide with themes in your novel. I was a Scoutmaster with the Boy Scouts of America in my local ward for about ten years, and I also struggle with the dilemma of being a believing and faithful Latter-day Saint who struggles with same-sex attraction. For me, your novel was a home run exploring these issues. You captured many of the things I have personally felt as I have navigated those waters.

“The tensions abound in your novel, between faithfulness to the Church, Scouting, family issues, single parenthood, too-busy bishops, neglected bishops’ wives, and being part of the gay world but not welcome in it. These tensions are all well-portrayed and thought out. This will be a novel that many thoughtful Latter-day Saints will want to read. It is simple, but far-reaching in its ability to make people think and consider their own feelings, without being preachy or trying to advance a point of view. As much as I’ve thought about these very issues from a personal standpoint, you still gave me plenty more to think about.” — Rex Goode, AML-List member, trained social worker, webmaster for the Latter-Day Sexual Recovery website

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“I was drawn into the story and wanted to see what happened. Having read the book, and from my own personal experience, I am convinced that it told the story the way I would see it in many cases in real life.... The book seems faithful to LDS church standards and positions as I understand them. My understanding of the topic is better. I understand more of the problems people face in dealing with it. I feel as if I know the characters in the story and would recognize them if I was introduced to them.” — Larry Jackson, AML-List member, father of eleven

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“I love the way it brings to life through narrative what I imagine will be the struggle of many youth growing up in today’s evolving culture around gay issues. Parents, friends, priesthood leaders, and peers are all a critical part of how we negotiate our sense of self-identity and life choices, and this story is masterful in how it brings to life all the tensions associated with that process. A couple of times, I even found myself forgetting this was fiction and wanting to get in contact with the main character to assure him he’s not alone. Each of the characters, with their different personalities and roles in the narrative — Barbara, Sandy, Richard, Chad, Paul, the kids at church and the kids at school — offers something quite meaningful to the story.” — Ty Mansfield, coauthor of In Quiet Desperation: Understanding the Challenge of Same-Gender Attraction, published in 2004 by Deseret Book

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“I thought a more literary, more postmodern treatment was necessary. I was wrong. By telling the story simply, tying it to a particular time and place, and focusing on the teenage protagonists, Langford is able to confine the discussion of this issue to a manageable narrative — and a compelling one. The approach Langford takes is genius. I love the way he threads the middle of American Mormon mores, doctrine, and practice in a way that is in some senses mundane — this is basically a domestic drama — but also incredibly radical.

“These teenagers act like teenagers, even though they are basically good kids.... Any discussion of same-sex attraction makes a lot of Mormons uncomfortable. But the novel is thoroughly orthodox. Its characters are orthodox Mormons. Its tensions and ultimate solutions and resolutions are firmly rooted in active LDS life — prayer, scripture study, repentance, the priesthood, love, charity, hope, the family.” — William Morris, founder of the Mormon arts and culture blog A Motley Vision

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“I knew that a story about a Mormon teen who has recently discovered homosexual tendencies in himself was not going to have an easy or tidy resolution. However, I found the manuscript easy to read because the characters were all appealing. I liked them and wanted to see how they would interact and deal with the situations they were facing. The ending was as positive as I could imagine. I cannot attest to the reality of the experiences, since I have never been a teenaged boy myself, of any orientation (gay, straight, east-west), but the characters felt real to me. I periodically had to remind myself that this wasn’t a problem I was expected to help with, since the characters were only fictional.” — Laura F. Nielsen, children’s author, mother of five

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“Abiding by Mormonism’s high standards challenges all its faithful adherents. Coping with one’s besieged status as a young gay is no less difficult. What if you are both at the same time? Like no other work I know, Langford’s frank and poignant novel brings this real-life impasse into bold relief.” — Thomas F. Rogers, BYU Russian Professor Emeritus; Mormon playwright and essayist, author of Heubener, Fire in the Bones, and A Call to Russia: Glimpses of Missionary Life

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“I was surprised with how nuanced and rounded your handling of the issue was. As a faithful but not quite mainstream-thinking Mormon, I appreciated that the work affirmed gospel principles, but didn’t treat the church as a whitewashing panacea for obstacles. I felt that you did a good job of representing and honoring the level of difficulty, sacrifice, and commitment that (I’ve always imagined) staying in the church would require of a homosexual person.” — Heidi Tighe, AML-List member

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“It’s high time we came to terms with same-sex issues, the more so where we are most reluctant to do so. I welcome both this broaching of the issue from a Latter-day Saint perspective and its frankly positive dealing with an issue this touchy. I suspect much of the appeal of the narrative for others — as for me — will lie in its ‘this is part of life’ naturalness, in the good-natured refusal (like the bishop character) to be prissy or unrealistic about gay realities.

“Jonathan Langford’s first novel is engaging stuff. The narrative opens into some of our deepest concerns, and the prose makes us glad to be there.” — Steven C. Walker, BYU English Professor

GO READ IT!

Family

So I found out a couple of months ago that a lot of my extended family found my blog. I'm not 100% sure who or how, but thanks to Google Analytics and a reliable source, I know many did.

I'm totally okay with that. I have nothing to hide as far as my sexuality is concerned. I didn't choose my attractions, but I am choosing the way I live my life. I am comfortable with that choice and am confident that the Lord is pleased with it as well. I don't make a big deal of my attractions with everyone, but I'm not going to hide them.

What does bother me, is that no one from the family (other than my source)has said anything to me about it. This puts me in a really awkward position. I don't feel like I can contact any of them or visit any of them until I get some kind of reaction. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen. I can't. I would always be wondering if this person or that person knew and what they would think of me. I want to be able to be completely authentic with my family, but I don't think I could. I know that sounds a lot like I'm concerned about what other people think of me and I don't think that's the case. I just want to know how open I can be in whose company without making them uncomfortable or getting the wrong impression about me.

I don't know, maybe this is just silly. I worry way too much. I know that. I have so many problems! For instance, at school the other day I checked out 3 FEMALES! It was crazy. "And life just keeps on running!"

Obedience

I've been thinking a lot about obedience lately.

My thoughts on obedience at this point are that it is at the same time the first Law of Heaven and a response rather than an independent action. It seems that when we really have a perfect knowledge of the origin of commandments being God and a perfect trust in Heavenly Father's love for us to the point of knowing that He only asks us to do those things which will benefit us, we naturally and instinctively obey those commandments perfectly. It is not hard for us. Without a perfect knowledge of either the source of a command or the subsequent knowledge of His love and an assurance of His motivation, obedience can become a challenge. In fact, when obedience is relatively easy in the absence of those two things, I'm not sure it can truly be called obedience.

There is a caveat. Faith is knowing. It is not a perfect knowledge, but it is a certain level of knowledge that can motivate us to a corresponding level of obedience.

We can only truly act according to our knowledge. This is why Adam's “obedience” in the Garden of Eden was not what the Lord was after. Adam was perfectly obedient, but the Lord was not satisfied. Why? Because Adam did not have a knowledge of good and evil. He was as a child who obeyed only because he was told to and knew nothing else. That wasn't enough for God. Perhaps the symbolism of the obedience of a child, like any symbolism, can be taken too far. I think that the Lord wants us to obey for the some of the reasons a child obeys but not others. He wants us to obey because we trust Him, love Him, and want to be more like Him. I'm not convinced that our Father is pleased when we obey because we are afraid of punishment, because we want Him to like us, or because we simply don't know better.

It seems that obedience, then is not prerequisite to righteousness or knowledge rather an indicator of these things. A person who is not obedient does not have a problem with obedience. He has a problem with knowledge. He has a problem with faith. I think this is why God is so pleased when we are obedient. It is a sign that we are coming to know Him. It seems that if this were not so, everyone could reasonably be expected to live perfectly. Just be obedient, right? But we aren't. That obedience comes line by line, precept by precept, just as knowledge also comes.

It's interesting though, that while obedience is the natural result of knowledge, it is also the way by which we gain knowledge. At first this seemed very contradictory to me. But in that sentence, the references to the word 'knowledge' refer to two different things. Think about a set of stairs. One level of knowledge leads us to an act of obedience that elevates us, bringing us new knowledge which leads us to another act of obedience. The process is gradual and, as far as I can tell, not one we will finish any time soon.

But where does the process start? It seems that if knowledge is a prerequisite for true obedience, we have to start with some knowledge. I believe that this is the responsibility of the Light of Christ. Without it, we would all be lost, without the needed tools to help us find our way. However, with the Light of Christ helping us discern the most basic truths, such as the existence of a God, or the importance of family, we have a foundation on which we can begin the smallest steps of obedience. When obedience comes from knowledge, from faith, it will lead to more knowledge, leading to greater obedience.

So, if I have trouble living obedient to a certain commandment, say not watching R-rated movies, I have to remember that the root issue is not obedience. I'm not just weak or uncommitted to the gospel, and I don't just need more willpower. I don't have to be hard on myself. What I need is more faith in the commandment. I need more knowledge about that commandment. I don't mean that I always need to understand the “why” of every commandment I keep. But I do need to have an assurance that it is what Heavenly Father wants me to do. This probably requires prayer. It definitely requires an open heart, a willingness to obey whatever commandment the Spirit delivers. In short, the prayer must be made with real intent. A spiritual confirmation, or testimony, will go a long way toward helping me be obedient, but it usually isn't enough.

We receive that knowledge, that faith, through obedience to the commandments that form the staircase up to the commandment we are currently working to master. I believe that is why new converts aren't immediately asked to live the Law of Consecration. In the same way, if I am having trouble keeping a commandment, I'm probably not doing some of the smaller things that would lead me to the knowledge I need to keep that commandment. So instead of getting frustrated with my weakness, I could look at my life to see if there is some other commandment that I might obey more fully in order to gain the faith necessary to obey.

I'm still working on this. I'd love input whether you agree or disagree.

(Disclaimer: I firmly believe that addictions do have the power to take away our agency and are not usually overcome by “spiritual” solutions alone. However, truly gaining the faith/knowledge of the power of the Savior's atonement and of the goodness in God's command will help immensely in the battle.)