I think that my post last night was as close to a sincere prayer as I've had in a long time. I really expressed my feelings and let the Lord (and others) know exactly how I felt. I haven't done that. I just pray for what I think I'm supposed to pray for. I usually feel too guilty to express anger at God. But that is where I ended up last night, with a desperate plea for some evidence that He cares.
And I think that I might just be experiencing that answer right now. I haven't received any clear answers. I'm still confused and angry and frustrated. But I don't feel quite as alone or abandoned as I did. I have a sense of hope about staying true and faithful, in spite of the struggle. I need to find a way to keep that sense of purpose even when I feel miserable and alone. I do still need a friend. I don't have a clue how that is going to happen, but until it does, I can rely on my Savior. I may still hate the imperfect way the Church and it's leaders handle this situation, but I know He loves me and cares for me.
I love my wife so much. I tell myself that I only love her as a friend, but what is the difference between that and what a husband "should" feel? Really? So I don't experience the "ideal" feelings with her. Isn't that the attitude I hate in the Church? Can't a relationship still be good, even really good, despite the fact that it isn't "ideal?" Can't I still be good, really good, even though I don't fit the ideal pattern? I really don't think that I could bring myself to leave her. I'd end up doing something stupid, and then I'd forever regret the damage I'd done to our relationship. I don't think I could live with that.
I'm not all better. One brief touch of hope can't compensate for weeks of pain and despair. However, it has made me stop and think. I'm curious to see what happens next.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
On a Ledge
I am referencing my very first post Making the Decision. I really don't know where I am going with this, but I need to write to sort some things out. Anyway I am back on the ledge: looking down, looking up. It isn't the same ledge, but I'm faced with the same decision.
Only now, I have already tried one of the two options. I have tried to climb upward. I was reaching so hard. I believed in the promises whispered by the still, small voice. I made every effort I could to rise to the top. In many ways I made it. The problem is that once on top (back completely living the gospel), I found out I really was as alone as I had remembered. There were a couple of people who may have given an effort to try to help. Unfortunately, all they could do was say, "Just be happy. Keep trying. It's worth it."
That's not a whole hell of a lot of help. It doesn't help to know that what I'm going through is normal. In fact it makes it worse. I simply cannot believe that a "Loving Heavenly Father" would put His "children" through misery like this. Whether or not the Church is actually true is of little importance. John 7:17 says "If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself." Well, I've done His will and I have felt nothing but abandoned. A testimony is a personal witness, the things we know. Well, I know that God has not lived up to the promises made by His servants. Now whether that means the Church is not true, or that God doesn't exist, or that He simply doesn't care, I don't know. And, really, it doesn't matter to me. I can't rely on other people's testimonies, and God has ruined his chance to preserve mine. If the Church really is true, then that means that I am simply not Celestial material, because I can't live the gospel with what he has given me to work with.
Maybe if God had directed me to Provo, then I would have had the opportunity to meet and make friends with other people who are going through the same thing. But I felt "directed" to be here. I never would have met my wife if I was in Provo. And I believed that I was supposed to marry her and that everything would work out for me as long as I kept doing all that I was supposed to do. Well, here I am alone. I guess that's God's plan for me. He really must want to see me fail, or else He made a really big mistake. He has just pushed me too far. His only hope to keep me from completely losing my faith in him is to find a way to kill me soon, so everything will be okay in the next life, just like He promised. I won't take my own life, though I have desperately wanted to. But the church teaches that death is the only way to be happy.
I know some of you are saying that there really is a way for me to be happy and fulfilled living the gospel. I don't believe it. There may be for you, but not for me. My therapist convinced me to talk with me wife to help her understand my needs so that she can work to fill them. 1) Sexually, telling her can't help. 2) I did talk to her about my emotional needs for connection. And she has been great at trying to meet my needs. The problem is that I feel even worse. I don't feel any more connection, but I do feel guilty that she is trying so hard. It is neither her fault nor mine that I am flawed to the point that the things that should help don't.
And it isn't like I sit around and wallow in m own self-pity. I do so much to serve her and try to make her happy. I also find a lot of ways to serve others. The gospel promises that service is supposed to help me feel better: happier and less concerned about my own problems. Again, it just makes things worse. I don't know what else I can do for the service cure to work.
The last week I have started to consider leaving the Church and everything. I don't believe that it could be any worse than what I am going through right now. Before, one of the main things keeping me from doing so was the fear of eternal consequences. But now, I really can't say that I believe that. Right now the ONLY thing keeping me from packing up and leaving is knowing how it would rip my wife's heart to shreds. Still, I know that this struggle is taking its toll on her as well. I'm beginning to think that she would be better off without me. She is still young enough to find someone who can feel and be what she deserves. It might hurt her like hell in the short run, but it would be better for her than me dragging her though this hell for the nest 50 years, or even worse, leading her on and having kids before I lose my strength to pretend anymore.
The funny thing is that since I have considered leaving, I have felt the first hint of hope and happiness that I have felt in weeks. If God really wanted me to live the Gospel why wouldn't he have let me feel some hope sooner? Why would my personal experiences go so directly contrary to what the gospel promises?
Anyway, I haven't jumped yet. I haven't actually decided that I am going to jump. However, I'm here on a ledge. I'm not in a great rush to make up my mind, but I can't stand here in the middle for long.
Only now, I have already tried one of the two options. I have tried to climb upward. I was reaching so hard. I believed in the promises whispered by the still, small voice. I made every effort I could to rise to the top. In many ways I made it. The problem is that once on top (back completely living the gospel), I found out I really was as alone as I had remembered. There were a couple of people who may have given an effort to try to help. Unfortunately, all they could do was say, "Just be happy. Keep trying. It's worth it."
That's not a whole hell of a lot of help. It doesn't help to know that what I'm going through is normal. In fact it makes it worse. I simply cannot believe that a "Loving Heavenly Father" would put His "children" through misery like this. Whether or not the Church is actually true is of little importance. John 7:17 says "If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself." Well, I've done His will and I have felt nothing but abandoned. A testimony is a personal witness, the things we know. Well, I know that God has not lived up to the promises made by His servants. Now whether that means the Church is not true, or that God doesn't exist, or that He simply doesn't care, I don't know. And, really, it doesn't matter to me. I can't rely on other people's testimonies, and God has ruined his chance to preserve mine. If the Church really is true, then that means that I am simply not Celestial material, because I can't live the gospel with what he has given me to work with.
Maybe if God had directed me to Provo, then I would have had the opportunity to meet and make friends with other people who are going through the same thing. But I felt "directed" to be here. I never would have met my wife if I was in Provo. And I believed that I was supposed to marry her and that everything would work out for me as long as I kept doing all that I was supposed to do. Well, here I am alone. I guess that's God's plan for me. He really must want to see me fail, or else He made a really big mistake. He has just pushed me too far. His only hope to keep me from completely losing my faith in him is to find a way to kill me soon, so everything will be okay in the next life, just like He promised. I won't take my own life, though I have desperately wanted to. But the church teaches that death is the only way to be happy.
I know some of you are saying that there really is a way for me to be happy and fulfilled living the gospel. I don't believe it. There may be for you, but not for me. My therapist convinced me to talk with me wife to help her understand my needs so that she can work to fill them. 1) Sexually, telling her can't help. 2) I did talk to her about my emotional needs for connection. And she has been great at trying to meet my needs. The problem is that I feel even worse. I don't feel any more connection, but I do feel guilty that she is trying so hard. It is neither her fault nor mine that I am flawed to the point that the things that should help don't.
And it isn't like I sit around and wallow in m own self-pity. I do so much to serve her and try to make her happy. I also find a lot of ways to serve others. The gospel promises that service is supposed to help me feel better: happier and less concerned about my own problems. Again, it just makes things worse. I don't know what else I can do for the service cure to work.
The last week I have started to consider leaving the Church and everything. I don't believe that it could be any worse than what I am going through right now. Before, one of the main things keeping me from doing so was the fear of eternal consequences. But now, I really can't say that I believe that. Right now the ONLY thing keeping me from packing up and leaving is knowing how it would rip my wife's heart to shreds. Still, I know that this struggle is taking its toll on her as well. I'm beginning to think that she would be better off without me. She is still young enough to find someone who can feel and be what she deserves. It might hurt her like hell in the short run, but it would be better for her than me dragging her though this hell for the nest 50 years, or even worse, leading her on and having kids before I lose my strength to pretend anymore.
The funny thing is that since I have considered leaving, I have felt the first hint of hope and happiness that I have felt in weeks. If God really wanted me to live the Gospel why wouldn't he have let me feel some hope sooner? Why would my personal experiences go so directly contrary to what the gospel promises?
Anyway, I haven't jumped yet. I haven't actually decided that I am going to jump. However, I'm here on a ledge. I'm not in a great rush to make up my mind, but I can't stand here in the middle for long.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Drowning
I really feel like I've hit the end of my rope. I am so sick of this fight going on inside of me. I feel like I really don't have any choices left. The gospel and everything associated with it have an iron grip on one half of my soul and my challenges in mortality have an equally unyielding grip on the other. Neither are going to let go. For all his power, God seems content to just keep pulling. I cannot choose one without cutting off the other half of my soul. I oscillate between which half I'd rather lose. In the meantime, my soul is getting stretched thinner and thinner. Maybe someday it will just snap and I won't have to worry about this struggle anymore.
I've lost all hope of finding any fulfillment in a "healthy" same-sex relationship. Straight guys simple don't like me. I used to have a lot of hope that developing relationships and making friends with other guys would help ease my pain. Now, I'm convinced that isn't possible within the Church.
I am so sick of the Church and it's incessant preaching that if I just "live the gospel," everything will work out. When? "Oh, In the next life. Then all the holes in your soul will be fixed." That brings two thoughts to mind:
1) Why would such wise leaders make it so painfully clear that the only hope I have for happiness in living the gospel is death. That could easily be 57 or more miserable, agonizing years away. That is, if I don't do anything to shorten it, which happens to be an unforgivable sin.
2) So the hopelessness of the above brings me to my current conclusion: maybe I don't want all those hole fixed. Maybe the holes are caused by the gospel.
I have become so apathetic toward everything related to the church: my callings, this stupid school, even worse the men leading it who get confused about whether or not they are God. I absolutely hate going to church on Sunday. I can't even read more than a few verses from the scriptures with out slamming them shut in disgust. Is it really better to read them at all then?
I am just so lonely. I am having a hard time believing that this can really be God's plan for me, if he even has one.
I've lost all hope of finding any fulfillment in a "healthy" same-sex relationship. Straight guys simple don't like me. I used to have a lot of hope that developing relationships and making friends with other guys would help ease my pain. Now, I'm convinced that isn't possible within the Church.
I am so sick of the Church and it's incessant preaching that if I just "live the gospel," everything will work out. When? "Oh, In the next life. Then all the holes in your soul will be fixed." That brings two thoughts to mind:
1) Why would such wise leaders make it so painfully clear that the only hope I have for happiness in living the gospel is death. That could easily be 57 or more miserable, agonizing years away. That is, if I don't do anything to shorten it, which happens to be an unforgivable sin.
2) So the hopelessness of the above brings me to my current conclusion: maybe I don't want all those hole fixed. Maybe the holes are caused by the gospel.
I have become so apathetic toward everything related to the church: my callings, this stupid school, even worse the men leading it who get confused about whether or not they are God. I absolutely hate going to church on Sunday. I can't even read more than a few verses from the scriptures with out slamming them shut in disgust. Is it really better to read them at all then?
I am just so lonely. I am having a hard time believing that this can really be God's plan for me, if he even has one.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Breathing
I heard this song for the first time on Thursday. I have probably listened to it a hundred times since then. I love it. I feel that the words and the message could be my own.
"Work"
By: Jars of Clay
Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone
It's the breathing that's taking all this work
Friday, January 18, 2008
New Friends
I can't believe that is had been over a month since my last post. So much has happened. The most important thing was without a doubt the amazing opportunity I've had to meet some great people. They are the numbers 2 through 9. Allow me to explain.
I had two pretty serious bouts of depression since my last post where I actually got fairly suicidal. When I told my counselor about this and explained what I was thinking, He told me that I have learned to rate my happiness with one of two emotions: Perfectly Happy and Life Sucks. When my life doesn't go perfectly (and with SSA it rarely does) I get into the rut of thinking that since my life isn't Perfectly Happy, it must, by default, really Suck. He said "In reality there is a whole continuum of emotion. I want to introduce you to the numbers two through nine." That phrase (which really echoes what another friend told me about all or nothing thinking) has really impacted my life.
I've come to realize that even though things are far from perfect, and with out complaining, they are pretty imperfect in my life. As many of you know all too well, this struggle isn't an easy happy one with a simple solution. I frequently wish that my feelings toward my wife were closer to the "ideal straight" feelings that I think I "should" have. I may never feel completely satisfied in my marriage. I don't yet get the male friendship and closeness that I need and crave. I may never get it if I stay in the church and with my wife. But then again I'll never be happy pursuing a lifestyle away form the gospel, and although my feelings aren't perfect, my wife is a dear friend. How could I crush her by leaving? Thoughts like this used to get me so depressed that the only option was ending my life.
Now, I can see that mortality is doings its worst to me. However, that doesn't mean that my life sucks. It isn't perfect. Whose is? Everyone has their own struggles and while mine may be particularly difficult, it sure as hell doesn't mean that my life sucks. My family may not understand my pain, but they live me. My wife may not fill every emotional need that I have, but she is as close to perfect as I could ask for. She is so understanding and caring. I sometimes feel that she feels every pain I do with twice the intensity. We have such an amazing friendship. And at times the Lord blesses me with the natural feelings and passions she needs. I have a close relationship with the Savior and am a Son of the Almighty God. I am Divine. So whatever mortality and Satan decide to trow at me, my life will never be a one.
Sure, there are a lot of days that fit in the 4/5/6 range, but I need to quit looking at that as a grade. That would be failing in school, but this is not school. 5 is half way to perfect. My wife and I went with another couple to see Martian Child last weekend. (WOW!) Anyway, the dad there says that he loves baseball because you only have to hit the ball three times out of ten to be great and is you do just a tiny bit better than that, you're a superstar. So is 3 is great, then two must be at least good, huh?
Anyway, I am happy. Today couldn't be any better than a six, but it doesn't have to be. I still have intense feelings of SSA. School still creates a lot of stress that I don't handle well.
But, Six isn't bad at all.
I had two pretty serious bouts of depression since my last post where I actually got fairly suicidal. When I told my counselor about this and explained what I was thinking, He told me that I have learned to rate my happiness with one of two emotions: Perfectly Happy and Life Sucks. When my life doesn't go perfectly (and with SSA it rarely does) I get into the rut of thinking that since my life isn't Perfectly Happy, it must, by default, really Suck. He said "In reality there is a whole continuum of emotion. I want to introduce you to the numbers two through nine." That phrase (which really echoes what another friend told me about all or nothing thinking) has really impacted my life.
I've come to realize that even though things are far from perfect, and with out complaining, they are pretty imperfect in my life. As many of you know all too well, this struggle isn't an easy happy one with a simple solution. I frequently wish that my feelings toward my wife were closer to the "ideal straight" feelings that I think I "should" have. I may never feel completely satisfied in my marriage. I don't yet get the male friendship and closeness that I need and crave. I may never get it if I stay in the church and with my wife. But then again I'll never be happy pursuing a lifestyle away form the gospel, and although my feelings aren't perfect, my wife is a dear friend. How could I crush her by leaving? Thoughts like this used to get me so depressed that the only option was ending my life.
Now, I can see that mortality is doings its worst to me. However, that doesn't mean that my life sucks. It isn't perfect. Whose is? Everyone has their own struggles and while mine may be particularly difficult, it sure as hell doesn't mean that my life sucks. My family may not understand my pain, but they live me. My wife may not fill every emotional need that I have, but she is as close to perfect as I could ask for. She is so understanding and caring. I sometimes feel that she feels every pain I do with twice the intensity. We have such an amazing friendship. And at times the Lord blesses me with the natural feelings and passions she needs. I have a close relationship with the Savior and am a Son of the Almighty God. I am Divine. So whatever mortality and Satan decide to trow at me, my life will never be a one.
Sure, there are a lot of days that fit in the 4/5/6 range, but I need to quit looking at that as a grade. That would be failing in school, but this is not school. 5 is half way to perfect. My wife and I went with another couple to see Martian Child last weekend. (WOW!) Anyway, the dad there says that he loves baseball because you only have to hit the ball three times out of ten to be great and is you do just a tiny bit better than that, you're a superstar. So is 3 is great, then two must be at least good, huh?
Anyway, I am happy. Today couldn't be any better than a six, but it doesn't have to be. I still have intense feelings of SSA. School still creates a lot of stress that I don't handle well.
But, Six isn't bad at all.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
An explanation and update
I thought I would post my final religion paper. I don’t know that is particularly good, but for anyone who is looking for some doctrinal encouragement, I think it fits the bill.
Otherwise I am doing great. This last Saturday I was invited by a friend in one of my classes to go riding with him and his wife. It was really good. I can’t really explain how much it means to feel that another guy actually cares about me in a way that is totally unrelated to sexuality.
I am so grateful to the Lord and the way in which he blesses me. I want to clarify a little bit about the last paragraph of my paper. I confided in my religion teacher last week about my struggles. He is the only one who will see this paper. Also, I don’t want to give the impression that I am happy about my SSA. This is not easy, nor is it fun. I do, however, know that the Lord seeks my best interest. He would not have given me this challenge to deal with if there wasn’t something I could learn from it. Part of my responsibility in the process of overcoming the natural man is to find out what I need to learn and do as a result of my challenges.
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