Breathing

I heard this song for the first time on Thursday. I have probably listened to it a hundred times since then. I love it. I feel that the words and the message could be my own.

"Work"
By: Jars of Clay

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

New Friends

I can't believe that is had been over a month since my last post. So much has happened. The most important thing was without a doubt the amazing opportunity I've had to meet some great people. They are the numbers 2 through 9. Allow me to explain.

I had two pretty serious bouts of depression since my last post where I actually got fairly suicidal. When I told my counselor about this and explained what I was thinking, He told me that I have learned to rate my happiness with one of two emotions: Perfectly Happy and Life Sucks. When my life doesn't go perfectly (and with SSA it rarely does) I get into the rut of thinking that since my life isn't Perfectly Happy, it must, by default, really Suck. He said "In reality there is a whole continuum of emotion. I want to introduce you to the numbers two through nine." That phrase (which really echoes what another friend told me about all or nothing thinking) has really impacted my life.

I've come to realize that even though things are far from perfect, and with out complaining, they are pretty imperfect in my life. As many of you know all too well, this struggle isn't an easy happy one with a simple solution. I frequently wish that my feelings toward my wife were closer to the "ideal straight" feelings that I think I "should" have. I may never feel completely satisfied in my marriage. I don't yet get the male friendship and closeness that I need and crave. I may never get it if I stay in the church and with my wife. But then again I'll never be happy pursuing a lifestyle away form the gospel, and although my feelings aren't perfect, my wife is a dear friend. How could I crush her by leaving? Thoughts like this used to get me so depressed that the only option was ending my life.

Now, I can see that mortality is doings its worst to me. However, that doesn't mean that my life sucks. It isn't perfect. Whose is? Everyone has their own struggles and while mine may be particularly difficult, it sure as hell doesn't mean that my life sucks. My family may not understand my pain, but they live me. My wife may not fill every emotional need that I have, but she is as close to perfect as I could ask for. She is so understanding and caring. I sometimes feel that she feels every pain I do with twice the intensity. We have such an amazing friendship. And at times the Lord blesses me with the natural feelings and passions she needs. I have a close relationship with the Savior and am a Son of the Almighty God. I am Divine. So whatever mortality and Satan decide to trow at me, my life will never be a one.

Sure, there are a lot of days that fit in the 4/5/6 range, but I need to quit looking at that as a grade. That would be failing in school, but this is not school. 5 is half way to perfect. My wife and I went with another couple to see Martian Child last weekend. (WOW!) Anyway, the dad there says that he loves baseball because you only have to hit the ball three times out of ten to be great and is you do just a tiny bit better than that, you're a superstar. So is 3 is great, then two must be at least good, huh?

Anyway, I am happy. Today couldn't be any better than a six, but it doesn't have to be. I still have intense feelings of SSA. School still creates a lot of stress that I don't handle well.

But, Six isn't bad at all.