Semester Forecast

Well, the preliminary reports are in. It looks like this is going to be an awesome semester. Sure, I'm taking two introductory science courses. Those are going to be kinda sucky. I've really liked upper level psych classes, so a freshman general isn't my idea of fun. But, at least they won't be very hard. My two psych classes are going to be fun.

I'm also way excited to take an institute class this semester. I love the peace and perspective the gospel bring to my life. At times, the folks at institute can be a bit simple in their understanding of the gospel. I may have to work on not becoming cynical and annoyed with their ignorance. But I'm looking forward to devoting time in my life to further study and understanding.

And So It Begins

I'm sitting in class waiting for my professor to start, and I'm thinking, "Wow, it's really here!"

Summer is long gone. Now it's back into the fray. I'm taking a lot more classes than I have in the last 3 years. Plus, my father-in-law still has some work that he wants me to do on the afternoons I'm not in classes. It's crazy.

But I'm really excited. I may have to drop a class if it turns out I'm not up to everything, but that's cool.

Opened Eyes

So, I've recently spoken with a young man who has helped me better understand that people differ from each other. I've come to see more clearly that the path which has worked for me--that the Lord has prepared for me--is not the only path for other people. I still believe that true happiness is to be found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The Plan of Salvation--the Plan of Happiness--is designed to make us happy. I love that. I know that.

I also know that for some, the Lord's time-line is different. I am not saying that we just give up for this life and do whatever feels good. However, we all need to have an open heart and a willingness to do whatever we are prompted. Having the courage and strength to pursue those promptings faithfully in spite of difficulty. . . That's what we need the Savior for.

Happy

I want to keep this post short so more people will read it.

I am happy. Really, truly, deeply happy. I'm attracted to men. I'm in a monogamous heterosexual marriage. I'm active in the Church. I have a strong testimony of the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I experience joy on a daily basis.

I want everyone to know that I've found peace through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement can do so much more than fix sin! While I'm far from perfect and I still have my share of difficulties, that peace is undeniable. It is unchanging.

I'm happy. Really, that's all I've ever wanted. I think that's what we're all really after. The problem we face is figuring out what will actually bring that happiness. I know I have only found this level of peace and joy through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

The End.

Fireside Report

Here is an expanded version of the Fireside Report that I prepared for North Star. Bravone also helped put this together, but I wrote most of it in the first person. I know that there was some level of opposition to the whole idea of the fireside in the first place, especially since we were in full support of the doctrine of the Church. I truly believe that the Spirit of the Lord was present, and that the fireside went just like Heavenly Father wanted it to. Anyway, here's the report:

When I started actively dealing with my own same-gender attraction almost three years ago, I could never have even imagined anything like this evening. I felt so alone, so misunderstood, and so hopeless. I felt helpless to fix things in my life and in my marriage. I am eternally grateful for the blessing of supportive friends, loving family, and righteous priesthood leaders who chose to let their light shine, guiding me to the source of true healing: the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

As my wife Ashley and I began to find peace and resolution to our own trials with the issue, we felt a powerful desire to reach out to others. With her support and the guidance of the Spirit, I organized a support group for men dealing with same-gender attraction. We now have a strong group of amazing men. About a year ago, I started feeling that the Lord wanted something more. The ideas for this fireside started to flow. The Lord blessed our efforts. Things came together. And here we are reporting on one of the most amazing things that has ever happened in my life.

I talked with Steve about putting a fireside together in our area about nine months ago. He was super supportive, but neither of us knew quite what to do. A few months later, the Lord impressed on my mind that He was very serious about this fireside idea. My wife and I brainstormed a few ideas, and I contacted our Area Authority to propose the event. He was supportive, but told me that I would need a Stake President to host such a fireside. I told Steve, and reported that I was going to set up an appointment with my Stake President. He said that he already had an appointment with his and offered to bring it up.

President Bowen was extremely supportive, and with his green light, we started inviting speakers. President Bowen worked with the Area Authority to send the word out to 60 local Stake Presidents. I had to take the initiative and type up all of the publicity stuff. I know I'm certainly not the best at that, but I did what I could. The decision on how to pass the word on (or not) stayed with the individual Stake Presidents. We had no idea how many people to expect. In all, over 400 people were in attendance.

I opened the fireside with a few instructions on the evening and I suggested a few thoughts for the participants to keep in mind about the issue. “First, people often use the same words to mean different things. Tonight you may hear words such as gay, homosexual, same-gender, or same-sex attraction used in different ways. Please be careful about making judgments based on your own definitions of these words. If necessary, ask for clarification.

Second, tonight, you will likely hear many suggestions and ideas. Some may resonate with you. Others may not. That’s okay. Not all solutions will work for all people. We are all unique individuals in different places in our journeys. Only the Lord can help you know how to apply these suggestions or ideas to your own personal and unique circumstances.

Finally, there may also be times this evening when you are pushed outside of your comfort zone. For many, just showing up here has already done that. One of our greatest challenges as members of the Church is to dispel the shadows of fear and shame that surround this issue. This can only be done by bringing it into the open and exposing it to the light of the Son. The ways we talk about same-gender attraction, the extent to which we are open in our discussions with each other and especially with our youth—This is what is going to determine whether or not those who feel alone and discouraged because of their same-gender attraction will have the courage to reach out for help. Creating an atmosphere of love and acceptance where that can happen, and responding compassionately to the reaching of others is a central part of our covenants to follow Jesus Christ. Please be patient with others and with yourselves as we seek to better understand how we can keep our covenants in regards to this issue.

I recognize that all of us have our own challenges and trials. I know that they are unique to each individual. But I also know that the most effective solution to every one of our trials and challenges is found within the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. Through the Atonement of our Savior, we can find the promised peace and joy we seek. That happiness can come to us regardless of, and in part, because of our mortal circumstances. It is my prayer that the Spirit of the Lord will be with each of us tonight to help us learn how we can more effectively access the power of the Atonement in our own lives and teach us how we can help others to do the same. “
We then broke out into four different sessions: Men who experience SSA, Women who Experience SSA, Friends and Family, and Priesthood Leaders.

I participated in the Men’s group. We had a talk from a former Stake and Mission President. His remarks were pretty generic. I do remember him saying very clearly two different times, “We are sons of a living Heavenly Father who loves each of us.” Other than that, the only thing that really stuck out was a letter he asked his wife to read. It was from his Son, who experiences SSA and is just returning to the Church. It was such a special and powerful testimony.

Next, a clinical psychologist spoke to us. His words were addressed to us, and at times dealt with the actual attractions. Most of the time, though, they dealt with the emotional wounds we as SSA men have experienced. The Spirit spoke to me many times, pointing out areas in my life that I needed to address as well as areas God had already started to heal.

At the beginning of the Question and Answer Panel, we didn’t have any questions. One brave man offered a question. We didn’t have enough time to answer even close to all of the questions. One comment really struck me. Answering a question, Ty Mansfield, suggested that SSA is not a single issue. Rather, it is a combination of many different emotional, psychological, spiritual, and even purely physiological wants, needs, and challenges. Sometimes, we can address the emotional, psychological, and spiritual issues. Other times, the issue at hand is little more than sexual energy that simply needs to be rechanneled into different facets of life.

The Friends and Family session was our largest group with over 200 people. Fred Matis spoke first. The message was that loved ones dealing with same-gender attraction need to be loved. This challenge may be a big deal to them, but it isn’t their defining characteristic. They need to know that they are loved, accepted, and supported in all aspects of their lives. Ashley Lindley touched on three points from Elder Holland’s Ensign Article: we must reach out in love to those who struggle, marriage is possible but it certainly isn’t a solution, and we should keep our lines of communication open. The Question and Answer panel was a great opportunity for those close to the issue to see other families who are in similar situations. Both those with loved ones who have strayed from the gospel as well as those who are supporting a loved one’s decision to live righteously were given encouragement and hope.

President Brad Bowen began the session for Priesthood Leaders by expressing his love for those who experience same gender attraction and gave a few personal experiences he has had as a priesthood leader working with both those who have desires to remain faithful to the covenants they have made and a few who felt that, because of their 'identity,' they needed to pursue a homosexual relationship. He encouraged priesthood leaders to recognize same gender attracted individuals as sons and daughters of God who live with a 'thorn in the flesh,' much as did Paul, and that just having same sex desires is not a sin. He emphasized that if an individual has not acted on these feelings, he is as worthy of serving in any capacity as anyone else. He also reminded all of the cleansing power of the atonement. Dan Barnes, a therapist at BYUI gave an excellent talk on his opinion of how, based on his professional experience, priesthood leaders could help individuals who are same gender attracted. He focused on helping dispel shame, showing compassion, and helping one overcome addictions that may fuel SSA feelings. One prevailing message was that some may never marry, and leaders should not encourage it as a cure, but rather help individuals understand that personal happiness can be found living the principles of the gospel and relying on the enabling power of the atonement.

This fireside was simply breathtaking; not only in its scope, but also in the depth of the Spirit that was present. Was it perfect? No. It is impossible in that amount of time to say everything. Our audience was very diverse, which made it difficult to offer specific solutions, even in the breakout sessions. In spite of these limitations, I feel that the Lord’s will was accomplished. Many lives were touched. Progress was made. I am truly humbled to have been a part of this work. It will go forward. Future Firesides will be held in our area, and interest has been expressed in using this model for Firesides in other areas. I know that our Heavenly Father loves each of us. I testify that the surest path to happiness and peace in this life and the next is to be found through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

SSA Fireside in Idaho Falls

I wanted to announce the Fireside I've been working on. I posted earlier calling for volunteers, but it's now put together and it's almost here!

Here's the flier that's been sent out:

Finding Joy in the Journey

An evening of education and hope for individuals who experience same-gender attraction, their families, friends, and priesthood leaders

Date: Sunday June 27th, 2010
Time: 6:00 – 8:30 PM
Location: Idaho Falls North Stake Memorial Building (Next to the Temple)

In harmony with efforts by the First Presidency to approach the challenge of same-gender attraction with a new level of compassion and understanding, everyone is invited to participate in this unique fireside to strengthen their testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. You are welcome whether you experience this challenge personally, know someone who does, or just want to understand the issue better

This special fireside will include instruction and encouragement for Priesthood Leaders, for those who experience same-gender attraction, and for friends and family. Presenters will include Priesthood Leaders and Mental Health Professionals. We are also honored to announce that Ty Mansfield, world-renowned author of In Quiet Desperation, will be our feature speaker.

For more information contact:
Kevin Lindley at (208) 201-8306 or idahofalls.ssa@gmail.com


The following is an excerpt from a letter sent out to 60 Stakes in Southeast Idaho:

We live in a time of increasing difficulty and temptation. The world is relentless in its efforts to ensnare Latter-Day Saints. One particularly devastating and challenging trial faced by many members of the Church is same-gender attraction. This unwanted difficulty is increasingly common. While the percentage of individuals who embrace alternate lifestyles is small, nearly 10% of people experience feelings of sexual attraction to members of the same sex. The nature of this trial leads far too many of our members to become discouraged and abandon hope. Far too many fall away from the sweet peace that the Gospel can bring.

Recently, the First Presidency and other Leaders of the Church have made an effort to approach same-gender attraction with a new level of compassion and understanding. Elder Jeffery R. Holland wrote an article for the Ensign which was published shortly after the release of the new pamphlet God Loveth His Children. Reading these documents, it is clear that the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve recognize the need for us to reach out in love and understanding to those who experience same-gender attraction.

To that end, we have organized a fireside designed for all members of the Church: individuals who experience same-gender attraction and Priesthood Leaders, as well as every parent and friend in the church. We invite your stake or ward to participate in this unique opportunity. Please make an effort to let every member know about this invaluable learning experience. This special fireside will include specific instruction for you as Priesthood Leaders, for those who experience same-gender attraction, and for friends and family. Presenters will include Priesthood Leaders and Mental Health Professionals. We are also honored to announce that Ty Mansfield, world-renowned author of In Quiet Desperation, will be our feature speaker.

We've included a flier that could be posted in your buildings. We've also included an announcement to add to your bulletin for the next couple of weeks. Additionally, we encourage you to consider announcing this event from the pulpit. Perhaps you are aware of individuals who would benefit from this fireside; they would most-likely benefit from a special personal invitation for them to attend.

Thank you sincerely for your efforts in reaching out to those who struggle daily with this incredibly difficult and often misunderstood challenge. As we all strive to increase our understanding and compassion, we will be better able to offer the Christ-like love and support so desperately needed.

Peace, Joy, and Happiness

I’ve been pondering a lot about happiness and the gospel of Jesus Christ lately. I will admit that such reflection is due in part to a number of conversations here on North Star, but the topic has been on my mind for some time thanks to the circumstances of my personal life. I have experienced a number of insights that I would like to share. I do so hesitantly. For some, my words may seem harsh or unfeeling. For others, they may come across as weak. Nevertheless, I truly believe that someone might benefit from the thoughts and feelings I have had. That possibility is enough to move me to risk. I am extending myself and being vulnerable.

I am motivated by a deep love for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and a burning desire to help my brothers feel of the peace, love, and joy that He offers regardless of their individual life circumstances. It is my hope that the rest of my post would be read and felt with that spirit. I know that I don’t have the eloquence or ability to convince anyone of anything. All I can do is share my own experiences and the thoughts that have come to my mind. So, please don’t “trifle with the words which I shall write.” (Mosiah 2:9) Instead, I would ask that you open your hearts to the influence of the Holy Ghost and sincerely seek to learn from Him how my words might apply to your life.

“Men are that they might have joy.” Happiness and it’s deeper, longer lasting cousin, Joy, are what all of us are really after in this life as well as the next. I really believe that. Everything we do is an attempt to gain or increase our happiness. Sometimes we choose temporary pleasures that bring painful consequences later. Sometimes we choose something difficult because we believe that it will bring us happiness in the future. Sometimes (maybe often) we don’t really understand how our actions are related to the search for happiness.

The Church talks about happiness a lot. The usual “recipe” for happiness typically includes keeping the commandments and understanding the Plan of Salvation. That used to really annoy me. I was keeping the commandments, and I knew the Plan of Salvation. Yet I still wasn’t happy. The recipe simply wasn’t working. I heard a bunch of Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods talking about how wonderful life was, and I hated it. It made me furious that they had never had any problems in their lives. Because, I was sure, the only way that a person could believe that keeping the commandments somehow equaled being happy was is they’d never really had any life experience.

However, the harder I tried to “un-believe” everything about keeping the commandments and God’s plan, the more I knew I couldn’t. I felt like Laman and Lemuel. They chose to go into the wilderness with Lehi. They could have stayed home or turned back at any time. But despite all their complaining and threatening, they never did. It was as though they couldn’t let go of what they knew, but it wasn’t bringing them the happiness they were looking for. So they followed along, resentful that they couldn’t just abandon their beliefs, complaining cynically at every opportunity.

Nephi had asked the Lord to help him believe and understand. The Lord answered his prayers. But Laman and Lemuel reported that “the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.” That’s how I felt. I mean, I wasn’t perfect. I was pretty much addicted to porn and masturbation. Time after time, I tried to stop. I plead for forgiveness and for help in overcoming. I begged for some little mercy, just a taste to know that God was there, that he loved me. I got nothing. I worked so hard to be perfect in every other area of my life. Still, I was far from happy. Nothing I did could fill the aching void inside me. I started to believe that the only way I could find happiness—the only thing I hadn’t tried—was to find a relationship with another man.

But I was trapped. I wanted to turn back to Jerusalem, to leave the traditions of my fathers. But I couldn’t just ignore what I knew. I tried to find some way to justify or rationalize a romantic/sexual relationship without totally abandoning my beliefs. I got really good at it. I got picky and choosy about what I would believe and not believe. And I found a level of happiness. It worked—sort of. I was moving farther and farther from what I used to know. For the first time in my life, the void was being filled. But I was still missing something. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. I did my best to push all thoughts of the missing piece far from my mind.

I’m sure many men find effective ways of keeping the feeling of missing something at bay. Some are able to ignore or repress that longing through a variety of different ways. Some build a reactive anger toward anything that reminds them of the feeling. Some become very good at distracting themselves. Some manage it until they die. They focus on the limited happiness available to them and try not to think about the missing piece. Others aren’t so lucky. They can’t seem to ignore the longing they feel and the conflicting desires just become too much. They try to escape the conflict by escaping life.

Luckily for me, the Lord had a different plan for me. My life unraveled extremely quickly. I hit the end of my rope. I could no longer ignore the war being waged inside my soul. It was killing me. I was desperate for something to change. I had to either stop living or figure something out. I am grateful that the Lord had arranged my life so that I had a real motivation to figure things out rather than end my life. He also led me to a solution to my problem.

I remembered learning some principles from this book by Elder Richard G. Scott called Finding Peace, Joy, and Happiness. He said that happiness was what God had created us for that "It can and should be the general background in which life is lived." But in order for us to be able to actually feel that happiness, we first had to have peace. Peace is an elusive little thing.

It comes in two forms. The first is peace of mind. It means that we are free from forces which would cause us unhappiness or pain. The second is peace of conscience. Peace of conscience is a natural consequence of living a life that is in harmony with keeping the commandments of God and repenting when we fall short. It is function of the Light of Christ that influences every man and woman on the earth. Without peace of conscience there can be no peace of mind. Without both forms of peace, we are not able to feel the happiness that is our nature.

Restoring peace of mind is not always easy. Sometimes, we can take relatively simple steps to resolve the conditions that interfere with our peace. Other times the process is more complex. Peace of conscience on the other hand cannot be obtained by any means other than righteous living and repentance. The discomfort caused by a lack of peace of conscience can be eased in other ways. I became very good at using rationalization to reduce the tension between my behavior and my beliefs. I also used another powerful tool: pornography. Others have used alcohol, drugs, or compulsive sex. These behaviors distract us from our lack of peace of conscience. They also have disastrous consequences.

Every time we sin and fail to fully repent, we are forced to change. The incongruity between belief and behavior creates an unbearable tension. We either have to change the behavior or change the belief. Even when I refused to completely abandon my belief (which some have successfully done), I was still having to rationalize how what I was doing could fit into my beliefs. This process did ease the tension, but it was not able to fully erase it. I still lacked a peace of conscience, because no matter how effective I was at changing my thoughts or beliefs, I could not change my spiritual sensitivity to the Light of Christ. I could ignore it, but ignoring it doesn’t bring peace of conscience. The peace can only be felt by being in harmony with God’s laws. Since none of us are able to always live in such harmony, the merciful opportunity of repentance allows us to return to a state of peace.

But even peace of conscience isn’t enough to make us feel happiness. I can have perfect peace of conscience and still be miserable. I have to also restore peace of mind. This can be very tricky. In order to resolve the issues that are interrupting peace of mind, a person needs to understand the cause of those issues. Only by getting to the root of what is behind our “un-peace of mind” are we able to figure out what we need to do to restore our peace of mind.

I had reached the point where my mind was so far from peace that I couldn’t stand it any longer. I needed peace of conscience. I was led to read Alma 31:34. Harden not their hearts. Was my heart hard? How else could I explain the failure of the Plan of Redemption—the Plan of Happiness—to take effect in my life? I had to truly repent, to come unto Christ and soften my heart. It took a lot for me to realize how stubborn I had been. I was so prideful and hard-hearted. I knew that what I had been doing hadn’t worked—hadn’t brought me the happiness I so desperately wanted. The problem I couldn’t see was that I wasn’t allowing God into my heart. I was so determined to make it on my own that I wasn’t willing to submit to His influence. Mosiah 3:19 came to mind.

I feel a deep gratitude that the Lord blessed my fist effort to truly humble myself and open my heart to Him. I was flooded with a profound sense of His love and, for the first time that I could remember, a peace of conscience. It was unlike anything I could imagine. It was a taste of happiness. The more I sought to open my heart and develop humility—the more I learned to just let go and turn control over to the Lord—the more that peace grew. I realized quickly that half-hearted efforts were not sufficient. I couldn’t expect the Lord to bless me with the peace I wanted, unless I was willing to completely let go of my selfish desires and surrender everything to Him. That humility and submission were the key to unlocking my peace.

The happiness I experienced, however, didn’t last. It couldn’t. I had finally obtained a peace of conscience, but without a peace of mind, I couldn’t hold onto happiness. I had to do something about my peace of mind. I know that my feelings of SSA seriously got in the way of my peace of mind. I needed the help of a competent therapist who helped me understand the root issues. However, the therapist could not give me the solutions I wanted. He didn’t know what steps I needed to take to restore my peace of mind. I sure as hell didn’t know what those steps were. If I did, I’d have taken them long ago.

I was pretty disappointed that the advice I received from other SSA friends, therapists, and priesthood leaders really didn’t work. I mean, some of it was helpful, but there simply was no formula for resolving the issues I was facing. Well, at least not that any mortal knew. My Father in Heaven knew what I needed to do. He knew the answers. I can only get them from Him. He does use many means of communicating with me: dreams, professionals, friends, priesthood leaders, good books, scriptures, direct revelation. But however He communicates with me, I absolutely have to let Him direct me in the application of the principles I learn. Whenever I try to figure things out on my own, I misapply the lessons I think I’ve learned. I am an individual. I am unique. Only God knows what I need. I only know that I need His wisdom and His guidance to know how to incorporate the things I’m being taught into my life.

As I’ve allowed God into my heart and into my mind, I have felt His guidance. He has led me to resolve the issues that interfere with my peace of mind. New things come up. Old things creep back in. But as I turn to Him, I am given solutions to my problems. If I follow those promptings, I find peace of conscience and of mind. When I have that peace, I am able to feel of the happiness that is who I am. It’s my nature. It’s me.

My heart aches for my brothers and sisters who seek to find happiness outside of Father’s plan for us. I love them. I know that they are likely finding reprieve from the conflicts and longings that have caused so much pain and suffering in their lives. I’m not judging them or condemning them. I’m happy if they feel less pain, less despair. But I am sad for them, because I know that the solutions they have chosen will never lead to lasting peace, true happiness, or full joy. Even worse, those solutions have a way of trapping individuals—of binding them with the chains of hell. Still, though, I am comforted in the knowledge that the power of Jesus Christ is greater than the power of the devil. His Atonement is strong enough to free any caught in the snares of the adversary.

I am so grateful for the Atonement. I’m even more grateful that I have learned how to access its infinite power. I know that my own imperfections and shortcomings would prevent me from finding true, lasting happiness if it weren’t for the Savior’s sacrifice. I know that not everyone who tries to keep the commandments finds happiness. I am all too personally and intimately familiar with that feeling. I am, however, also sure beyond any doubt that it is not possible to experience peace of conscience, peace of mind, or true happiness unless we are living in harmony with the commandments and constantly repenting.

I know that it is the Lord’s plan for each of His children to find peace and joy. He is anxiously waiting for us to return to Him—to allow Him to restore our peace of conscience. He is ready and willing to provide us with the solutions we need to restore our peace of mind. He is aching for us to feel the happiness and joy for which He created us. May we each humble ourselves, open our hearts, sincerely seek His guidance, and faithfully follow His counsel. May we be willing to make the changes that He suggests. I testify that as we do, He will bless us with peace and happiness. I know that this is true.