Whatever it Takes

I don’t have a lot of explaining to do on this one, but my wife and I heard this song on the radio the other day and both started bawling. I couldn’t have written any words that better explain my situation and how I feel.

By Lifehouse:

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Brotherhood and Legitimate Needs

I heard this song by Josh Groban on the radio earlier this week, and although I had heard it before, I was really touched by it’s message. I took it as the Savior speaking directly to me.

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

It resonated with something I had read. My counselor recommended I read the book Homosexuality: Symptoms and Free Agency by Scott Anderson. In it Scott quotes Elizabeth Moberly: “Healing must imply the fulfillment of unmet needs. God does not cure people of legitimate needs.” (from her book Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic)

That really hit me in a powerful way. For so long I have prayed to Heavenly Father to remove my desires. The truth is that those desires are not based on anything evil. My homosexual desires are simply an offshoot of the need to feel acceptance and emotional connection with my brothers. That is not a bad desire. In fact, it is a very natural and divine desire.

I was moved as I noticed the way the General Authorities expressed their love for each other in General Conference. That brotherhood is a very real part of God’s eternal plan for us. For the first time, I began to see that an “Eternal Family” was not limited to the mortal definition of family. Those who reach the Celestial Kingdom are going to spend eternity with their brothers and sisters. Sure I will have the opportunity to spend the rest of eternity with my best friend—my wife. But just as real will be the relationships that I form with my spiritual brothers. That makes me excited. I can imagine being happy in a heaven where I will interact with other males in an intimate, yet appropriate way. The idea of being happy in a heaven with only my wife and kids seemed incomprehensible to me.

Anyway those are just a few of my thoughts on brotherhood and the very real and legitimate need to experience that love. I know that as I have experienced that connection, my feelings of SSA have diminished and I have experienced true happiness.