Saturday, May 31, 2008

Breaking Points and Derparate Outposts

Wow, it has been way too long since I last posted. Things have been going really well for me lately. That isn't to say that I haven't had my share of problems. It's just that I have found ways to meet my needs and take care of myself. I know how to get through my challenges while still keeping my priorities in line.

I have learned that God really likes breaking points and I believe that he wants us to become intimately familiar with our own breaking points. The Lord has a special way of pushing us right up to the point where we feel we cannot go any farther. Or in some cases, he lets us be pushed there whether by ourselves or by mortality. However, I have come to the conclusion that He never ever actually pushes us past our breaking points.

So often I get proud and think that I know better than God. I get convinced that He is simply pushing me too far. But the more I experience in life, the more He teaches me that He knows me and my strengths and weaknesses and if I allow him to He will show me who I really am. I'm a lot stronger than I think I am, I was reading a thread on North Star about CS Lewis and I remembered a quote by him.

Meanwhile, little people like you and me, if our prayers are sometimes granted, beyond all hope and probability, had better not draw hasty conclusions to our own advantage. If we were stronger, we might be less tenderly treated. If we were braver, we might be sent, with far less help, to defend far more desperate posts in the great battle."

I used to look at it just like it says-in a negative way. "I'm not good enough no matter what." But now I turn it around. I feel like SSA and depression are some of the most desperate posts in this battle. So the fact that God has chosen to send me to to this situation, which is not being treated very tenderly and in which he doesn't simply grant me my prayers that all my troubles will go away, may just say something about me.

Through my trials, especially with SSA, I am coming to know who the Lord really is. I am beginning to know Him and what He wants. But just as importantly, my trials are helping me know who I am. Stripped of pride, I see that I am strong. Humbly, I see just how brave it is to face another day even with all the obstacles ahead of me. I've learned that even when it feels like I am ready to break, knowing that God won't push me further than I can handle has allowed me to find out just how far I can go. Then when God releases the pressure and I am able to relax a bit, I see that I endured more than I ever though possible

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