Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Ponderings on CS Lewis

I love how Gmail frequently shows random quotes above the inbox. Most of the time, they are funny or odd quotes. But occasionally, they are really insightful and thought provoking. A while back I read this quote from C.S. Lewis. It has been on my mind a lot since then.

He said: "We are what we believe we are."

I've thought a lot about how I think of myself. I know that sounds confusing. It's not half as confusing written out as it is in my head! Anyway, I know that as far as SSA was concerned I used to think of myself as a normal guy (I know, I was really confused). I chalked up all the feelings and thoughts I had about other men to natural teenage horniness. After I got married and those thoughts and attractions didn't go away, I started to change the way I thought of myself. I began to believe that maybe I was just gay. The more I started to believe that about myself the less and less happy I became. I was more and more convinced that I couldn't be happy living the gospel. And sure enough, I was miserable trying. It wasn't untill I met other married men with SSA, that I started to consider maybe I wasn't gay. I started to think of myself as a faithful SSA Latter-day Saint. Althought this was a whole hell of a lot better than believing I was gay, it wasn't perfect. Becasue of the way I viewed myself, my SSA was an integral part of my slef-image. Without SSA, I wouldn't be anyone. I'd go back to being the inconsequential nobody I was before I got married. But with SSA, I had a reason for people to pity me. I had great friends who shared my struggles with SSA. If it werent' for my SSA I'd never have met them and they surely wouldn't like me.

Over time that view changed. I realized that my SSA did not define me any more than my hieght of 6'4" defined who I really was. I wasn't a man who was attracted to other men and also happened to be LDS and married. I was a Son of God. I am valuable for my own personal gifts and personality. I have divine attributes that make me a unique. I am a good and loving husband. I happen to be attracted to guys, but that really doesn't mean that much. I've made covenants to the Lord and my wife.

Changing the way that I thought about myself allowed me to focus on things I really enjoy. My life opened up in ways that I had never imagined. Instead of focusing on all the things that were wrong with my life, I was able to make my life better.

1 comment:

Bravone said...

Your self acceptance has led you to be a force for good in so many lives, mine included. You are a remarkable man and a great friend. You are helping many of us that will have ramifications for generations to come.

I love you Kevin. Thank you.