Friday, October 9, 2009

"I Had a Dream" and now I have one

So, lately I've been pondering the direction my life should go. Not in a way that would allow for any major changes. My chosen career path is pretty well set in stone. It has been confirmed too many times to change now. Getting through the rest of my schooling is one of my top priorities. But a couple of weeks ago, I lost my job. I had been planning on staying with that job for at least another three years. I found a temporary job, but it really wasn't working out, so I resigned yesterday. I have a bunch of applications in and I'm very optimistic about the probability of finding a job. Still, such a major shake to my world has caused a me to think quite a bit about what the Lord wants from me.

Also this last week, we've added two new members to our support group. That feels really good. I love knowing that something I've done actually benefits another person. But at the same time I'm discouraged when I think about all those individuals who are still struggling in quiet desperation; when I think of the parents and friends who don't know what to do when their son or daughter tells them that he or she is gay; when I think of the church leaders who don't know how to help members who come to them with issues of same-sex attraction.

I want to yell with the voice of an angel to tell everyone how it is. I want be able to reach every ear and penetrate every heart with the sword of the spirit. At the same time, I tell myself that I'm a nobody. I'm not a psychologist yet. I'm not in any position of authority in the church. I'm not even perfect. How can I make much difference? There are so many deeply entrenched beliefs about same-sex attraction that simply are not true and those beliefs are wide-spread. What can I possibly do to change anything?

Last night I had an interesting dream. I was waiting outside of a building for a group of men to come out of a meeting. It was the committee in charge of the LDS Family Services response to same-sex attraction. As the committee came out, I saw a number of men who are very prominent in the LDS Same-sex attraction community. Most of them have not experienced the effects of same-sex attraction in their lives. Most of them are still influenced by thoughts and ideas that are, quite frankly, ridiculous and out-dated. Yet these men were the ones deciding how the members of the church were going to respond to same-sex attraction. I remember expressing the thought "But you don't understand the issue!"

Their reply was immediate, "How dare you question us? We are the one's the Lord has chosen to make these decisions."

I woke up shorty after that. The response I didn't get the chance to say was still burnign in my mind and heart. "No, you're just all He has to work with right now."

Then I got an email from a friend and role-model of mine. He quoted President Monson as saying:

"In professional business, scientific work, and technological life, there is a rule which can be a very good one for ambitious young persons. The rule is this: Find a vacuum and expand into it. Ask yourself, 'What is there that needs doing and is not being done?' Then assess you capacity for doing things, and let it be your ambition to do the work that you can do best, in an area where it’s needed most, and then put all of your mind to it."

This quote really struck me with power.

It seems to me that the Lord is calling each one of us to step up and do what needs to be done. He doesn't want us to expect others to do it and then criticize their perceived lack of action while we wait lazily on the sidelines. It is up to each of us to many things of our own free will and bring to pass much good.

This understanding me has given me the power and motivation to undertake tasks that once seemed daunting. The Lord wants me to expand into the void that currently exists regarding education about same-sex attraction. He wants me to grow and stretch.

I only hope that I am not the only one attempting to fill this massive void, though even if I am, I know that I can anything the Lord desires as long as I have His help.


Walking Bear said...

OMGosh, Kevin. If you did firesides, I'd go to every single one. I've never heard you like...actually public speak, but you just seem to be at peace with the way things are and that you seem to understand your place in this world way more than I do. It's kinda intimidating--in a good way. You and Ashley's example are so powerful to me. When I met you, my life changed so much. It gave me hope that I can actually do it, you know? And then meeting all the other guys...was just perfect. I now know what it's like to have life-long friends. I believe that you can change the world, Kevin. I really, really do.

I love/miss you! ---GABE

Bravone said...

Kevin, you are already fulfilling your dream. You started our group, which has been a huge blessing in each of our lives, and consequently the lives of those around us.

I do believe that each of us need to prayerfully seek how we can best be used as instruments in the Lord's hands to help those who are same gender attracted, their families and their church leaders.

Thanks for all that you do to bless the lives of others.