Saturday, November 10, 2007

Up and Down

This process is sure a long one. Thanks so much for your supportive messages. I means so much to finally have others know and still want to help.

I spoke with my Bishop on Thursday night. I was nervous about how he would respond. I didn't think I could handle anything but support. He just said, "I'm unfamiliar with Same Gender Attraction, but have received a lot of information form Salt Lake. I need to study up on it." He was so supportive and positive. He was so grateful that I told him and was starting the process of changing. He told me he did have experience with pornography and gave me some very helpful counsel about how do deal with that addiction. I was amazed at the love he showed me. He gave me a blessing and the part that really stuck out to me was that he blessed me with patience, not only with myself as I work to overcome this, but also toward those who would try to help. It felt so good to finally know that I had done what I needed to be right before the Lord. I know that the repentance process is far form over, but the hardest part is.

Yesterday I was hit with the realization that this battle is far from over. The previous couple of days had been really easy for me as far as the feelings for other men are concerned. I guess I had kind of hoped that the process was beginning to work But today they were back with a vengeance. It was a little depressing.

Also, I think that the reality of the situation hit my wife. She was very quiet. She doesn't feel that she is quite ready to talk about all of her thoughts and feelings. I can totally understand that. I have had years to work out how I feel about my situation and I'm still in the dark. I can only imagine how she is feeling after three days. Still, it is hard. She is really my only friend and with our relationship strained, (still filled with love, but awkward) I struggle. She did tell me that she still loves me and needs to realize that I am the same person I was before. I've been dealing with these feelings all along; the only difference now is that I am getting help and she knows.

This morning has been a lot better though. I have learned that I need to be proactive about being ready for feelings and temptations. I simply cannot afford to neglect daily prayer, scripture study, or serving my wife.

This journey sure isn't going to be easy. Before when I turned to P and M to satisfy my urges, I was able to somewhat repress them. Now I can only pray for the strength to resist long enough for my heart to begin to change. No, this won't be easy. Still, I know there is hope. I cannot begin to describe my feelings of gratitude to the Lord. The reassurance and love that I have felt form him are overwhelming at times. Has he taken away my trials? No. But I no longer feel so alone and powerless. Someday, the pull of attraction to men will have no power over me. Until that day? I keep reaching upward.

Again thanks so much for your advice and support. I will continue to stay in touch.

1 comment:

RealNeal said...

Reaching,

I have loved your posts! I think you will do well.

Couple of things - You may never have your attraction to men removed - it's how you deal with it that matters. I used to beat myself up over that a lot. Now I realize its a part of me and I don't get hung up over it. It's only when I dwell on it that the problems start.

Porn - that's been a really tough one for me. My addiction started when I was a little kid, so its been festering for decades. As one guy in my Sexaholics Anonymous group said, this is a chronic disease like diabetes. You never get rid of it, but you can learn to live with it and keep it under control. In most cases this is true.

Of course, God can take these things away completely - I know of miracles like this. They do happen. So I truly hope you do get a miracle; but if not, don't let it get you down. The Apostle Paul was required to live with his "thorn in the flesh" all of his days. He said his infirmaties brought him closer to Christ. So rather than anguish over the "why me" question, I've learned to ask "Why not me?". Why should I believe I won't have "thorns" to deal with in this life? What have I done that makes me immune? Am I somehow special and above that kind of thing? I have to answer these questions "no". If Paul or others like him (Neal A Maxwell, Bruce R McConkie, etc) had to deal with infirmaties and 'thorns', why not me? It's a perspective thing. Took me a long time to get there, though.

Take care!

Neal