Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Venting

This is really going to be a vent session. I'm sure I won't feel quite this way later today, but these feelings are very real for now.

Sometimes I get so angry at the way the Church handles issues like same gender attraction. The advice is just to pray more and read your scriptures then everything will be okay. I wish that even just one of the apostles had faced these feeling in his own life. Maybe then someone would begin to give counsel that really is helpful to those in the situation.

I really don’t know what more could be said. I just get frustrated with all the promises that I hear on such a regular basis. The biggest among these is if you keep the commandments, you will be happy. I am keeping the commandments. I say my prayers. I read the scriptures daily. I am not happy.

I feel so lonely. Sometimes I can’t imagine the gay lifestyle being any more lonely or difficult. I understand temptations, but feeling this strongly from so deep in my heart is just cruelty. If God allows me to feel this way and still demands my obedience to a law of chastity, how can he be considered loving?

I've had a rough couple of day's with my relationship with my wife. She has had some rough days at school and that frustration has carried over into our relationship. So now I feel really alone.

It is so easy to believe that there is a man out there who would be willing to help me feel wanted and appreciated and still value my needs and desires. Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe this is as good as my life is meant to get. I guess I should just be content with the hell I’m living.

5 comments:

socal said...

I know that this may be none of my business but you do see really young to be both married and dealing with SSA. I guess my question is does your wife know about your issues? Is she a support to you? Why did you ultimately decide to get married particularly so soon after coming home from a mission? What things are you doing to connect with other guys? Do you have other male friends who could be a support to you in living according to the values that you have? Can you be completely open with them?

Just some questions to think about as you try to sort out what you want in life and the path that you are traveling on.

reachingupward said...

Thanks for your questions. You are probably right about a lot of things. I am young. I don't doubt that I should have confronted these issues before I got married. The problem was that I really didn't even accept them myself before I was married. I thought they would just go away when I had a healthy outlet for my sexual urges. I don't want you to get the impression that I married my wife for that reason. I really do love her. I enjoy spending time with her and serving her. I guess that the last couple of days have been really stressful for her at the school where she teaching. I have been so caught up in my frustrations that I haven't given her the benefit of the doubt. Yes, she is aware of the issue and is very willing to support me. I guess the problem is that I don't even know what form that support should take. I knew and do know that I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife. I want to spend the eternities with her. I really do. I can't let my emotions get in the way of what I know.


Right now, the hardest thing for me is not having any male friends. I now realize that the feelings and emotions that prompted me to look for relief in Porn and "M" were really just a longing for healthy friendship and intimacy with another person of my gender. I have such a hard time building any relationships with other men. I really don't have anyone who I would consider a good friend. Definitely not one I could tell about my struggles. I am trying to kindle friendships, but that takes time. In the mean time I guess I need to trust my faith and be patient for the blessings and promises of the Lord to be fulfilled.

MoHoHawaii said...

I've been where you are now. It's a tight spot. I can relate to what you said about keeping the commandments and still being unhappy. (I was deeply, desperately unhappy married to a woman.)

In my case, my wife and I ended up separating, and we were both better off for it. Being young helped a lot-- there was time to find more suitable partners.

I'm not saying the way I did it is right for you. It worked for me, though. I can't imagine what life would be life now if I had stayed in that situation. I'd probably be dead.

Good luck to you.

Samantha said...

Those feelings probably aren't going away--they'll just be suppressed again. My suggestion is that you run, not walk, to a marriage counselor or a therapist who deals with SSA clients, preferably an LDS one who will support your decision to have a mixed-orientation marriage.

Seriously, every couple has times when they feel troubling emotions toward each other, but yours are complicated by SSA, and need a bit of special handling. And yes, I do know what I'm talking about. I'm in a mixed-orientation marriage that has lasted longer than 20 years--I'm the SSA partner.

GeckoMan said...

Settling the basic issue you're feeling, the need for honest connection and understanding from male friends is an important priority for you. You can develop a sounding board here in the Mohosphere. You are likely to find some empathetic friends your age by perusing and commenting on their blogs. Read through their archives and get a feel for the person and their commitments. If you live near BYU Land, then you and wife could become acquainted to a group that gets together there. Check out Flying Under the Gaydar, which is a blog co-authored by a recently married MOM couple, Drex & Salad. They may know of other young MOM couples as well.

Reaching Upwards, I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and unhappy. I hope you can get your tender feelings out with your wife and forgive her and yourself for the conflicts and injuries. Love is the universal balm of healing; it just takes practice.