I can't believe that is had been over a month since my last post. So much has happened. The most important thing was without a doubt the amazing opportunity I've had to meet some great people. They are the numbers 2 through 9. Allow me to explain.
I had two pretty serious bouts of depression since my last post where I actually got fairly suicidal. When I told my counselor about this and explained what I was thinking, He told me that I have learned to rate my happiness with one of two emotions: Perfectly Happy and Life Sucks. When my life doesn't go perfectly (and with SSA it rarely does) I get into the rut of thinking that since my life isn't Perfectly Happy, it must, by default, really Suck. He said "In reality there is a whole continuum of emotion. I want to introduce you to the numbers two through nine." That phrase (which really echoes what another friend told me about all or nothing thinking) has really impacted my life.
I've come to realize that even though things are far from perfect, and with out complaining, they are pretty imperfect in my life. As many of you know all too well, this struggle isn't an easy happy one with a simple solution. I frequently wish that my feelings toward my wife were closer to the "ideal straight" feelings that I think I "should" have. I may never feel completely satisfied in my marriage. I don't yet get the male friendship and closeness that I need and crave. I may never get it if I stay in the church and with my wife. But then again I'll never be happy pursuing a lifestyle away form the gospel, and although my feelings aren't perfect, my wife is a dear friend. How could I crush her by leaving? Thoughts like this used to get me so depressed that the only option was ending my life.
Now, I can see that mortality is doings its worst to me. However, that doesn't mean that my life sucks. It isn't perfect. Whose is? Everyone has their own struggles and while mine may be particularly difficult, it sure as hell doesn't mean that my life sucks. My family may not understand my pain, but they live me. My wife may not fill every emotional need that I have, but she is as close to perfect as I could ask for. She is so understanding and caring. I sometimes feel that she feels every pain I do with twice the intensity. We have such an amazing friendship. And at times the Lord blesses me with the natural feelings and passions she needs. I have a close relationship with the Savior and am a Son of the Almighty God. I am Divine. So whatever mortality and Satan decide to trow at me, my life will never be a one.
Sure, there are a lot of days that fit in the 4/5/6 range, but I need to quit looking at that as a grade. That would be failing in school, but this is not school. 5 is half way to perfect. My wife and I went with another couple to see Martian Child last weekend. (WOW!) Anyway, the dad there says that he loves baseball because you only have to hit the ball three times out of ten to be great and is you do just a tiny bit better than that, you're a superstar. So is 3 is great, then two must be at least good, huh?
Anyway, I am happy. Today couldn't be any better than a six, but it doesn't have to be. I still have intense feelings of SSA. School still creates a lot of stress that I don't handle well.
But, Six isn't bad at all.
"This blog contains the thoughts and feelings of a 25 year old married Latter-Day Saint who is working to learn how to live a fulfilling life while dealing with his Same Sex Attraction." That was 8 years ago. In some ways, so much has changed since then; in other ways, nothing has. I may update this description, but for now, since most of the blog is from that time, I'll keep it.
3 comments:
Average is just so...boring. 1 & 10 are the best! LOL
I don't yet get the male friendship and closeness that I need and crave. I may never get it if I stay in the church and with my wife. But then again I'll never be happy pursuing a lifestyle away form the gospel, and although my feelings aren't perfect, my wife is a dear friend. How could I crush her by leaving? Thoughts like this used to get me so depressed that the only option was ending my life.
I really like your thinking here. If you want that close male companionship you have to reach out to those who are close. Invite other couples from your ward out on double dates, have get-togethers at your house, stuff like that.
As for the number 5, I think that being just fine with 5 wouldn't be that bad of an idea. Why does there have to be ideas of good and bad, positive and negative in the spectrum? What about perfectly balanced? How about 4/5/6 = "workable" The changes I've made in my life have definitely gotten me to the "workable" range and I'm just fine with that. I don't care about anything else. I'm not in the depths of hell and I'm not going to overexert myself and burn out trying to be that absolute picture of perfection. I'm okay, and for me, that's more than enough.
I'm balanced, and there's nothing else I need to be happy. Moving up to 7/8/9 is a process, and it's not going to happen overnight, especially when you are still having days where you are crawling out of the pit of 2/3/4.
"Now, I can see that mortality is doings its worst to me. However, that doesn't mean that my life sucks. It isn't perfect. Whose is? Everyone has their own struggles and while mine may be particularly difficult, it sure as hell doesn't mean that my life sucks."
You are absolutely right!
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