Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Drowning

I really feel like I've hit the end of my rope. I am so sick of this fight going on inside of me. I feel like I really don't have any choices left. The gospel and everything associated with it have an iron grip on one half of my soul and my challenges in mortality have an equally unyielding grip on the other. Neither are going to let go. For all his power, God seems content to just keep pulling. I cannot choose one without cutting off the other half of my soul. I oscillate between which half I'd rather lose. In the meantime, my soul is getting stretched thinner and thinner. Maybe someday it will just snap and I won't have to worry about this struggle anymore.

I've lost all hope of finding any fulfillment in a "healthy" same-sex relationship. Straight guys simple don't like me. I used to have a lot of hope that developing relationships and making friends with other guys would help ease my pain. Now, I'm convinced that isn't possible within the Church.

I am so sick of the Church and it's incessant preaching that if I just "live the gospel," everything will work out. When? "Oh, In the next life. Then all the holes in your soul will be fixed." That brings two thoughts to mind:
1) Why would such wise leaders make it so painfully clear that the only hope I have for happiness in living the gospel is death. That could easily be 57
or more miserable, agonizing years away. That is, if I don't do anything to shorten it, which happens to be an unforgivable sin.
2) So the hopelessness of the above brings me to my current conclusion: maybe I don't want all those hole fixed. Maybe the holes are caused by the gospel.

I have become so apathetic toward everything related to the church: my callings, this stupid school, even worse the men leading it who get confused about whether or not they are God. I absolutely hate going to church on Sunday. I can't even read more than a few verses from the scriptures with out slamming them shut in disgust. Is it really better to read them at all then?

I am just so lonely. I am having a hard time believing that this can really be God's plan for me, if he even has one.

7 comments:

A.J. said...

I am so sorry you are in such pain right now. I know it sounds stupid but please hang in there.I don't have any answers wish I did. Just know that other people even strangers care about you. -A.J

A.J. said...

I am so sorry you are in such pain right now. I know it sounds stupid but please hang in there.I don't have any answers wish I did. Just know that other people even strangers care about you. -A.J

Crisco said...

Apathy--that's a good word to describe my feelings too. At some point, I stopped feeling as deeply about the Church. I still go to be with my wife and kids. I still go to see happy faces and people who have similar experiences in seeking God (even if I'm not really close to any of them, most of the people in my ward are gracious and sincere--qualities I appreciate). However, the scriptures, my calling, temple worship, and other aspects of my religious life seem less fulfilling than they used to. Prayer is the only spiritual practice that calms my soul and focuses my thoughts. I wonder what people would think of me if they knew that sometimes my testimony feels a bit shallow.

I have moments too where death seems like it will be a release, but those moments are few and far between. One thing I'm trying to work on now is to be less self-centered and look for opportunities to help others. I'm not very good about that. I'm a bit of an introvert and sometimes can't see past my own problems. Everyone has problems. We are here to lift each other up.

You do sound lonely. I hope you can find a good friend. I'm not very good at making friends with guys. It's so much easier to make friends with women. Anyway, don't worry whether your friends come from in the church or not. That's shouldn't matter. We're all God's children. Just find a good buddy who will lift you up, seek to understand, and of course, is fun to hang out with.

Parallel Mormon said...

Reaching Upward:

You obviously feel really alone right now. Take this message to heart.

1: Don't let despair over the struggle with SSA lead you to believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the problem, or that the Church is not true.
2: Don't let temptations or perceptions limit your choices. Two choices you have and already know are (a) to live with the struggle and pain of not giving in to the gay attractions or (b) lose the Church, your marriage, your wife, your mission in life in order to try to fill up on empty gay sex. There is another option, that of being fulfilled and happy in your marriage to your sweet wife.
3: Your struggle is not unique. Nothing you've said is unique, neither the struggles, the urges, nor the desires to continue being faithful and to grow in the Gospel. There are many of us like you. You are not alone, and there are many people who care and would care enormously for you, given the opportunity, and blogging allows this to happen.

When I was in ROTC I learned a standard operating procedure. I will adapt it to living the Gospel. It goes like this: in the absence of orders to do the right thing (like prayer, scripture study, repentence, Church attendance, Temple attendance, etc.)--ATTACK! This means, don't wait for a revelation or even a desire to do the right things, just do them, and purpose will come on the journey. If the choice of doing something wrong is before you, wait for a divine manifestation or revelation, otherwise take no action.

P.S.: I'm married, a father, came out last October, never strayed before, will not stray now, love my wife, growing in our relationship, love being a father, love my family. I'm a good 20 years older than you, but in decent shape and good spirits, so you need not think me some old fogey with one foot on the grave.

Hang in there and talk to those who encourage you to do the right things. Do the right things, and remember that we're rooting for you.

Peter said...

Have you considered getting involved with other gay Latter-day Saints? I mean in a non-romantic way. There are support groups that you can find that will help you meet Latter-day Saints who are struggling with SSA in a controlled environment. Otherwise, there are plenty of "mohos" around you that you could develop friendships with.

Unlike straight guys, these friends know what it is like and will be a great support for you. Every 1st Monday of the month a lot of gay Latter-day Saints meet for FHE up near American Fork at the Matis's. You and your wife would be welcome. You don't have to wait until March though, send me an email or something.

I can promise you that is possible to have relationships with guys in the Church that are healthy. I think involvement with others in your situation will help ease your pain.

October Rising said...

I feel for you.

Neal said...

If its any comfort, what you're going through is pretty normal.

All of us go through phases in coming to grips with our situation in life. SSA isn't the only challenging one. Take the kid in my Ward who, at 17, rolled his truck on a lonely country road one night and suffered major brain injuries. That was 16 years ago. He's been in a wheel chair ever since. He drools, can't speak, and can barely move his hands enough to communicate by pointing at a card with letters on it. But his intellect is fully intact. Sometimes he gets so frustrated trying to communicate that he starts to cry. Can you imagine 57 more years of that? Well, in spite of it all, he's at Church every Sunday. Humbles me, to be sure.

Look, you're young, full of hormones, you're struggling with personal issues, and you're in school. That's a lot of stress on anyone. My advice - take a break, man. Don't worry about SSA for the next week. Take a chill pill. It will be there when you get back, if you know what I mean. This isn't a problem you have to solve right this minute. Give yourself a little distance and get a fresh perspective.

Its interesting how, after all the excitement of growing up and going through school, mission, etc. you discover that life is really a lot harder, frustrating and boring than you ever imagined. I think most of us somehow failed to notice what our parents went through - we were just too preoccupied with being a kid. Then at some point - wham! We realize this is not going to be easy. Its actually scary out there! And it all starts to sink in.

So, as someone over twice your age, I've come to realize that when God said he was sending us down here to "test and try us", that's exactly what he meant! This ain't the Carnival Cruise to paradise, my friend. Sometimes its more like WWF body-slam for the soul! But inbetween the rough spots are some really wonderful times. Great memories. Awesome experiences. That's what makes it worth it, and knowing what the possibilities are if we do the right thing. Its all up to us - each one individually. We can love and support each other in our struggles, but ultimately I have to save me and you have to save you. Or at least take it as far as we humanly can. Then the Savior will fill in the gaps if we've done our part.

Take care,

Neal

P.S. We can talk privately on the web site if you like.