Monday, February 11, 2008

A Prayer . . . and an answer

I think that my post last night was as close to a sincere prayer as I've had in a long time. I really expressed my feelings and let the Lord (and others) know exactly how I felt. I haven't done that. I just pray for what I think I'm supposed to pray for. I usually feel too guilty to express anger at God. But that is where I ended up last night, with a desperate plea for some evidence that He cares.

And I think that I might just be experiencing that answer right now. I haven't received any clear answers. I'm still confused and angry and frustrated. But I don't feel quite as alone or abandoned as I did. I have a sense of hope about staying true and faithful, in spite of the struggle. I need to find a way to keep that sense of purpose even when I feel miserable and alone. I do still need a friend. I don't have a clue how that is going to happen, but until it does, I can rely on my Savior. I may still hate the imperfect way the Church and it's leaders handle this situation, but I know He loves me and cares for me.

I love my wife so much. I tell myself that I only love her as a friend, but what is the difference between that and what a husband "should" feel? Really? So I don't experience the "ideal" feelings with her. Isn't that the attitude I hate in the Church? Can't a relationship still be good, even really good, despite the fact that it isn't "ideal?" Can't I still be good, really good, even though I don't fit the ideal pattern? I really don't think that I could bring myself to leave her. I'd end up doing something stupid, and then I'd forever regret the damage I'd done to our relationship. I don't think I could live with that.

I'm not all better. One brief touch of hope can't compensate for weeks of pain and despair. However, it has made me stop and think. I'm curious to see what happens next.

5 comments:

October Rising said...

hey, a lot of us are willing to be your friend. I'm willing :). let me know if you want my e-mail.

reachingupward said...

that would be great, or you can send one to me at reachingupward@yahoo.com

One of So Many said...

Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel all your emotions. Even and especially the negative ones.

Mitääh! said...

Hei Reachingupward,
I'm a wife of a husband who has SGA. I thought to mention there is nothing wrong to feel the love you feel. Everyone's marriage is different. It is what we want it to be. We only see the "front facade" of other people's marriages. We really do not know what goes behind the closed doors. I can only see a problem in the future if you cannot fake physical attraction for your wife. She may begin to wonder what is wrong with her. BUT I do not see a problem is she married you knowing of your SGA.
I'm speaking/writing from a personal experience only. I did not know that my husband was gay when I married him. I found out after 14 years of been married to him. It caused me doubt myself a lot and wonder why he even married me. It is a long story so I will not go into it. We are still married and working on our relationship now that I know of his SGA. After I found out many things just clicked and made so much sense and it took a huge weight of my shoulders.
As long as you are honest with your feelings with each other in your marriage that is the most important thing. The love you feel maybe the strongest love that keeps the marriage together. Most of the time people rely on romantic love and that usually fades away in hetero marriages as well.
If you are interested or want a friend I can be very level headed and logical if you need any help by unloading or just chatting. You can click my profile and find my e-mail address there.
I assume you either visited or served a mission in Finland. I'm a Finn who after her mission began studies in BYU and then met my now husband there.
I love to be your friend as well with no strings attached.:)
K
PS. Love your slide shows.

X-Height said...

I have a suggestion. Be honest but do it with tact. Being brutally honest could be harmful. I am going through my own torments. My wife and I will be married 15 years this August. My "brutal honesty," though, has caused us to agree on divorce this July.

Be careful and use wisdom. My experience of living life based on others beliefs caused a lot of pain. I have received "advice" from many of the blogs I have read. Its comforting to know there are others out there. The choices I have made may not be the choices of others. But, they are choices I have made.

Stay true to who you are inside.