Tuesday, March 30, 2010


So I had to change the description of my blog. Last Thursday I turned 25. Now that may seem really young to a lot of people, or really old to others, but it was interesting for me. 25 is kind of a big number in my mind. I had always set that as the point when I was no longer a young adult. I like squares, and I've always liked 5, so 5 squared has to be one of the best numbers ever! Oh, and my birthday is March 25th, so 25 has always been one of those numbers. I guess it's just that I never really imagined that I would be 25. Or any older for that matter.

It's not like being 25 is really all that much different. In fact, I felt decades younger this year than I did last year. We've figured our all my issues with sleep so that I'm no longer so ridiculously sleepy all the time. I have energy and motivation. It's great. I don't feel 70 anymore. But other than that, I'm just me. I say that I'm 25 is just a little weird for me.

Other than that, life is really good. I stay busy with school, work, and the foster kids. It's definitely been a challenge for me to force myself to take care of myself. I am so lucky that I have this incredible wife who knows me well enough to recognize when I'm running low. It's even better when she allows me--even encourages me--to take care of the things I need to. Guy time, me time, relaxation, rest, excitement, when I am taking care of myself, the rest of it kind of just falls into place. Everything doesn't necessarily just right, but I am in a lot better place to handle the issues that do come up. I have the energy and desire I need for my marriage and the kids.

Part of me taking care of myself is taking the time to really be authentic with myself. It means really paying attention to what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. It means going past the initial thoughts and feelings and giving myself enough time to get into the deeper, underlying feelings and thoughts. Only when I'm really in touch with my whole self can I be truly content with myself. I'm not trying to suppress or hide parts of me from my consciousness. When I do that, there is always a tension. It takes a lot of energy to keep things under the surface. When I remove the walls and experience myself as a whole, I find a strength. Even if I don't particularly like all of these parts of myself(my painful emotions, my weaknesses, my imperfections), by accepting them, I receive a sense of peace and hope. That peace and hope is essential to my happiness.

Just as important as being authentic with myself is being authentic with others. The more that I allow myself to really be real with my wife or with my brothers, the more I can feel their love and acceptance. It can be really scary to be completely open and vulnerable with others, especially men. But the rewards are totally worth the risks.

Perhaps the most important relationship in which I can be authentic, is in my relationship with the Godhead. To the extent that I am not being open and honest with Heavenly Father, I close myself off from His love and support. If I am trying to hide any feeling or thought from Him, I inhibit my ability to feel the Spirit. I have to be open and truly willing to accept grace, the power of the Atonement in my life. If I am holding back, if I am trying to do things on my own, if I am not being honest about my shortcomings as well as my strengths, I limit the connection I have to my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and the Holy Ghost. On the other hand, when I really feel that connection, when I allow myself to be open to the influence of the Godhead, it brings with it a joy and peace that help me rise above the concerns of mortality.

Authenticity prepares me to experience the greatest blessings that Heavenly Father wants to grant me. For me, authenticity makes life worth living, even if I'm 25.

No comments: