I am a MAN!

Last August, I had the opportunity to attend an event that dramatically changed my life. It didn't have anything to do with the world around me. Instead, it completely changed the way I perceive reality, the way I construct reality in my own mind.

Journey into Manhood (JiM) is an experiential retreat that focuses on healing old wounds and resuming the journey into full heterosexual manhood. Going into the weekend I thought that I wasn't really going to get that much out of it. I had signed up three months earlier when I was in desperate need of help. However, over those three months I had made tremendous progress. I was doing pretty well. I was not prepared in the least for the psychoogical 2x4 that hit me square in the forehead.

Although I have promised not to discuss the processes that go on during the weekend, I wouldn't disclose that because I believe that they are more powerful if a person is not prepared for them. I will, however, talk about some of the personal insights that I experienced during that weekend. The rest of this post will focus on what I felt was the most significant for me.

According to David Matheson's "Four Principles of Change," masculinity, or more correctly a lack there of, is a key factor in the development of Same-Sex Attraction. At first I disagreed with that assertion. However, as I have contemplated it more, I have come to agree with it completley. This is not to say that all non-masculine behaviors and attitudes will lead to homosexuality. This is on a more basic, deeply personal level. It has more to do with the meaning we attatch to the behaviors than the behaviors themselves.

So, I had come to see myself as different than other men. Men are mean, insensitive, cruel, arrogant, stupid, insensitive, and the list can go on and on. They were the "out" crowd; that was for sure. What, then, was the "in" crowd? It wasn't girls. I knew I had a penis. I wan't a girl. I had no desire to be a girl. It wasn't until I encountered the "gay" crowd that I found a group to which I might potentially belong. However, I wasn't entirely comfortable accepting full membership into that crowd. I still felt that the gospel was true. There I was: screwed up as hell. I had no "in" crowd, I simply didn't belong.

In the '90s there was a distinct trend in reparative therapy toward the theory that if a "homosexual" man did "heterosexual" things, he would become "heterosexual." This worked for some men. I would hypothosize that these men were primarily the type who had not yet developed a concrete self-image and were able to accept a more stereotypical "heterosexual" image/role. However, this didn't work for a lot of people. I tried for years to "be straight" through sports. I was even pretty good at them. However, I never really like them. I understand football, basketball, and wrestling quite well. I just don't care to watch them or participate in them. I like cooking. It's fun. It's fulfilling. I'm not going to give it up and start watching basketball all the time. That would mean going diretly counter to my personality. Is there no other way to reconcile my self-concept--the way I see myself--and my gender concept--the way I see masculinity?

Well, in the previous theory, the client tried to change his self concept. I can see some areas where this may be necessary. However, what would happen if I simply changed the way I define masculinity? That is what happened to me on the JiM weekend.

I was reliving a particularly painful memory form Jr. High. I was told by a kid in my gym class that I was in the wrong locker room. He then proceded to tell me that I had a "pussy" and that I was a girl. I was in the middle of expressing the anger that I felt at the time when suddenly I stopped. I started laughing. Someone asked what was going on. I responded: "Who the hell were they to tell me I wasn't a man?" They meant nothing. I was masculine then and I am masculine now. In fact, what was masculine anyway? Was it not the simply the characteristic of being a son of God? Who then is more masculine than me? Maybe Christ. Yes, He is the embodiment of true masculinity. Was he anything like the image of masculinity that society has painted? Not really, in fact he was anything but. Why then have I accepted society's definition of masculinity. I try to become like Christ. Am I not then masculine? Am I not a son of God?

It's kind of funny, now. I no longer define masculinity by society or any other an. I define masculinity by myself. I am inherently masculine. The source of my masculinity is my divine nature as a Son of God. If I allow myself to accept that, I feel masculine. I am equal to any man out there.

I didn't have to change my likes and dislikes. I didn't have to change what I did every evening. I didn't have to change my personality. I just changed the way I defined myself.

You know, when I got rid of my perception that I didn't fit into the masculine mold, things changed. Again I don't mean to overstate the extent of the change, but for a short period of time, I felt completely heterosexual. I wanted to have sex with my wife--not for her, not just for an orgasm, but because it felt right. I actually wanted it because I was a man. Now that didn't mean that my head turned at every set of breasts that walked by. In fact, I still wasn't attracted to "women." I was attracted to a woman, wholy and completely, sexually as well as emotionally. That was amazing. Keeping that emotion has been a challenge, but I'm getting better at it.

The most important thing I gained from JiM was the understanding that I am a man and I DO belong in the world of men.

Wow, I don't post much

I'm not entirely sure why that is. It definitely isn't because I'm "cured," and everything is perfect. It may have something to do with the fact that I have figured out ways to deal with the issues that come up in my life in healthy ways. That sure doesn't mean life always flows smoothly, rather that when rapids appear, I can usually navigate them without landing in the river. In fact, I have even experienced some new problems in my life.

So, I don't feel like I have a whole lot to say lately about life changing insights or experiences. However, for the sake posterity and those who might possibly benefit in some way--even if they only gain some level of hope from my writing--I would like to go back over the past seven months and review a few of the insights and experiences that have helped me mold and modify my view of myself and the world around me.

So, my goal is to pump out the next couple of posts in the relatively near future. And then I want to continue to blog on a regular basis, simply documenting thoughts and feelings that I have relating to SSA, the Gospel, or about life on a more basic level.

I don't know what form this is going to end up taking. I guess what I'm trying to say is just that where I've geared a lot of my blog for my readers, I no longer feel that I have much to offer in that specific way. An quite frankly, I've lost the motivation to try. However, I have come to the conclusion that I do need to continue my blog more or less as a journal. Others are going to continue to be able to read it, but I'm not going to allow that to influence my writing in any particular way.

An Interesting Breakthrough

I think I'm finally ready to write this post. I have been struggling for weeks to find the perfect way to put it. I have been so afraid that someone out there will take what I have to say wrong and hate me, or even worse be angry at the Church or worse still, be angry at God. I have finally found the courage to go ahead and write what is on my mind and just pray that people at least give me the benefit of the doubt and simply choose to respectfully disagree.

A while back, I posted a paper I did for a New Testament religion class. It was based primarily on insights that I had gained while reading James R. Ferrell's book The Peacegiver. I talked a lot about the nature of sin and how an accurate understanding of sin allows us to better appreciate and access the atonement. Interestingly, my breakthrough was simply an application of the principles I had learned, and even discoursed on, earlier.

I explained the principles with scriptural backing a lot more clearly in that earlier post: Sin and the Atonement . Even better, I highly recommend reading the original book. Brother Ferrell explains things much more eloquently and compellingly.

One night, I was explaining to the wife my sordid and complicated history with sex. By that I mean a lot of how my thoughts/fantasies changed over time and, rather in detail, the timeline of my addictions to pornography and masturbation. At the end of it, I stopped, looked at her, and said, "Oh, that's where my SSA comes from." I don't mean that SSA comes from looking at porn or masturbating! I do mean that by choosing to engage in those activities, I subjected myself to the captivity of Satan. By sinning, both in thought and action, I allowed Satan to gain power over me. By sinning, my very nature was changed. The way that I view the world was slowly warped. Finally, through the infinite power of the atonement, I was liberated from the chains of sin. I could see things as they really were. Again, I don't believe that sin is the ultimate root of SSA. I simply mean that much of the intensity of the allure of homosexuality-for me personally-came from the deception that Satan used to confuse me.

I would like to try to use an analogy to explain this idea. For a long time the only picture of happiness I could see was one that Satan had created, that of an intimate and sexual relationship with another man. Eventually, I began to see another picture. This one included my wife, children (still to come), and this time it fits into my beliefs of God and eternal life. So for the most part I tried to stay focused on this new picture. However, from time to time, something-like a hot guy or a memory-would draw my attention back to the other picture. It would take all my power to rip my gaze away from that picture of happiness in homosexuality and look at the picture of happiness with an eternal family.

Then suddenly, it was like looking at a picture on extremely high zoom. I saw all of the individual pixels-all the lies of Satan-that were woven together to make a very inviting picture.
Now when I look back all I see are lies. I am NOT "cured"!!! I am still attracted to men. However, for me a lot of the overpowering need and desire to have sex with another man is gone. I can see clearly that it won't make me happy. In fact, what I need is real connection with other men, and I know how to get that. And when I do, I can find happiness. And the happiness I do find is amazingly real and satisfying.

I want to clarify again. I'm not "cured" of my same-sex attraction. However, I have made a major breakthrough. I have made a really big step in learning how to deal and live with my attractions.

Now, I really don't know what I'm trying to say or if I've said everything I mean to, or if I've explained it well enough. I don't even know if this post will make it through the night. I'd really appreciate feedback on what you're thinking.

The Atonement Can Fix That Too!

This is the first of a number of post about the insights I've had over an amazing month and a half.

I had an enlightening experience a few weeks ago. In one of our bi-weekly interviews, my Bishop told me that if I slipped up and looked at pornography again, we would start the year of my disfellowshipment over again. Needless to say, that really bothered me. I was livid! As far as I see it, this is a pretty difficult addiction to overcome, and to suddenly expect me to be able to really stop immediately is absurd. I have been trying for years and am finally starting the process of healing and overcoming this addiction. Well, I decided that I'd never talk to him again. At least I'd never tell him anything about what was really going on in my life.

I was venting one night to a friend who is much wiser and more experienced than me. I finished by telling him that "I guess I'm learning that church leaders are imperfect." He said:

"Yes, but I believe that the Atonement can fix that too."

Well that stopped me dead in my tracks. I was speechless. Tears welled up in my eyes. I thanked him and quickly hung up the phone. I got on my knees and prayed, begging the Lord to bless me through the atonement to make up for the mistakes of another. The most amazing thing happened next. A feeling of peace and comfort immediately came over me. I knew that despite my Bishop's inadequacy, everything was going to be okay. I was able to go to sleep without any frustration or anger.

Incidentally, my Bishop was appalled when I told him I was really hurt by what he said. He had meant that if I lapsed and acted out with another guy again! Still, that doesn't take away from the fact that I had been healed from this miscommunication. The atonement had made up for the mistakes of another.

In reflecting on that experience I was reminded of an old John Wayne quote. In his movie Big Jake, the Duke says to the bad guy "Anything happens, your fault, my fault, nobody's fault; and I'm going to blow your head off." Okay so the last part isn't so critical to this important insight. But I belive that through the Atonement, Christ can fix anything that happens to me, my fault, your fault, nobody's fault.

So next time something hurts, or isn't fair, or just plain sucks, even (maybe especially) when it isn't your fault, just remember that the Atonement can fix that too!

Breaking Points and Derparate Outposts

Wow, it has been way too long since I last posted. Things have been going really well for me lately. That isn't to say that I haven't had my share of problems. It's just that I have found ways to meet my needs and take care of myself. I know how to get through my challenges while still keeping my priorities in line.

I have learned that God really likes breaking points and I believe that he wants us to become intimately familiar with our own breaking points. The Lord has a special way of pushing us right up to the point where we feel we cannot go any farther. Or in some cases, he lets us be pushed there whether by ourselves or by mortality. However, I have come to the conclusion that He never ever actually pushes us past our breaking points.

So often I get proud and think that I know better than God. I get convinced that He is simply pushing me too far. But the more I experience in life, the more He teaches me that He knows me and my strengths and weaknesses and if I allow him to He will show me who I really am. I'm a lot stronger than I think I am, I was reading a thread on North Star about CS Lewis and I remembered a quote by him.

"Meanwhile, little people like you and me, if our prayers are sometimes granted, beyond all hope and probability, had better not draw hasty conclusions to our own advantage. If we were stronger, we might be less tenderly treated. If we were braver, we might be sent, with far less help, to defend far more desperate posts in the great battle."

I used to look at it just like it says-in a negative way. "I'm not good enough no matter what." But now I turn it around. I feel like SSA and depression are some of the most desperate posts in this battle. So the fact that God has chosen to send me to to this situation, which is not being treated very tenderly and in which he doesn't simply grant me my prayers that all my troubles will go away, may just say something about me.

Through my trials, especially with SSA, I am coming to know who the Lord really is. I am beginning to know Him and what He wants. But just as importantly, my trials are helping me know who I am. Stripped of pride, I see that I am strong. Humbly, I see just how brave it is to face another day even with all the obstacles ahead of me. I've learned that even when it feels like I am ready to break, knowing that God won't push me further than I can handle has allowed me to find out just how far I can go. Then when God releases the pressure and I am able to relax a bit, I see that I endured more than I ever though possible

Whatever it Takes

I don’t have a lot of explaining to do on this one, but my wife and I heard this song on the radio the other day and both started bawling. I couldn’t have written any words that better explain my situation and how I feel.

By Lifehouse:

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Brotherhood and Legitimate Needs

I heard this song by Josh Groban on the radio earlier this week, and although I had heard it before, I was really touched by it’s message. I took it as the Savior speaking directly to me.

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

It resonated with something I had read. My counselor recommended I read the book Homosexuality: Symptoms and Free Agency by Scott Anderson. In it Scott quotes Elizabeth Moberly: “Healing must imply the fulfillment of unmet needs. God does not cure people of legitimate needs.” (from her book Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic)

That really hit me in a powerful way. For so long I have prayed to Heavenly Father to remove my desires. The truth is that those desires are not based on anything evil. My homosexual desires are simply an offshoot of the need to feel acceptance and emotional connection with my brothers. That is not a bad desire. In fact, it is a very natural and divine desire.

I was moved as I noticed the way the General Authorities expressed their love for each other in General Conference. That brotherhood is a very real part of God’s eternal plan for us. For the first time, I began to see that an “Eternal Family” was not limited to the mortal definition of family. Those who reach the Celestial Kingdom are going to spend eternity with their brothers and sisters. Sure I will have the opportunity to spend the rest of eternity with my best friend—my wife. But just as real will be the relationships that I form with my spiritual brothers. That makes me excited. I can imagine being happy in a heaven where I will interact with other males in an intimate, yet appropriate way. The idea of being happy in a heaven with only my wife and kids seemed incomprehensible to me.

Anyway those are just a few of my thoughts on brotherhood and the very real and legitimate need to experience that love. I know that as I have experienced that connection, my feelings of SSA have diminished and I have experienced true happiness.